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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching me on the baby monitor

199 replies

Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:04

We have a video baby monitor in our house to watch the baby, obviously ! It’s always on; I’ve never thought much about it. It’s one of those that goes through to your phone and you can watch it wherever you are. However I’ve just found out that DH is logging in to it whilst he’s out and watching what’s going on when I’m by myself with kids. I don’t know how often or for how long. It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.

I’m not happy with this...

So I thought I’d ask what you all thought...?

YABU - he can look on the baby monitor whenever he likes
YANBU - he shouldn’t be using the baby monitor like that

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 10/09/2020 05:51

Creepy ,controlling & invasive.. If he won't stop monitoring you & the camera is only in the children's room I'd have nap time on the sofa during the day & have favourite toys in a crate downstairs too. As possible said I'd also check all rooms for hidden cameras. You could always spill a drink all over it , (or dunk it in water) then plead ignorance as to why it's not working though ..... If you're around all day, do you really need a camera based gadget?

bedjolly · 10/09/2020 05:58

@MissConductUS

Pretend you have a boyfriend around - "Reggie, not now, DH will be home soon!" Grin

I think that if he's getting alerts on his phone that something is happening that's probalby what's triggering it. If you don't need in on during the day just disconnect it when you're home.

😂😂
Shoxfordian · 10/09/2020 06:54

He sounds really creepy and controlling

Turn all the cameras off
Can you talk to anyone in real life? Are you safe?

altiara · 10/09/2020 06:59

In general, I’d say you both chose this type of camera to watch your children so if it’s sending you alerts, then you probably would log in to look.
I freely admit to not having a camera watching my child so I don’t see why one is needed and wouldn’t have it on.
If it was Puppy cam - then I’d definitely be having a log in to watch every now and then if I was out of the house. So I assume I would do the same with babies.

When I had the baby monitor, I used it as I needed it, so I’d be switching off the video unless needed.

The updates make your DH sound controlling and stalking you. Very worrying.

WoodenFox · 10/09/2020 07:09

@Sparklfairy

there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide

Said by every controlling gaslighting arsehole ever.

That was the line that jumped out at me. Seems slightly aggressive and not as innocent as some might think. I'd be replacing that monitor with one that can't be viewed elsewhere.
WoodenFox · 10/09/2020 07:21

Just seen the update. I'd be getting rid of him and the cameras!

Mix56 · 10/09/2020 07:22

Having read your last post, he is clearly trying to check up control your every move. (There is probably more, does he mind you going out with friends? does he comment on what you wear? accuse you of flirting? )
This is actually abusive, & manipulative as coupled with the gaslighting,
You are right to turn the camera off, or turn it to the wall...
You would also be right to question your relationship.

RattleOfBars · 10/09/2020 07:31

My DH used to do this! He liked to watch DC when he was at work so he didn’t miss her first milestones!
He didn’t think to mention it until one day the camera moved while I was bf and I feared it had been hacked!!! So I rang DH at work who said don’t worry I just like watching the two of you as I love seeing you together. I was cross at the time as it felt like spying, but we laugh about it now!

OP why don’t you chuck a muslin over the camera when you’re in the room? That’s what I did when DH told me he liked watching from work! Then I’d take it off when she was in her crib so he could watch her sleeping, or I’d let him watch certain bits like her playing with a new toy.

Pinkypie86 · 10/09/2020 08:01

Just don't have a camera? I don't understand it. We live in a fairly big house, our kids are a little older but, things like cameras and tech stuff that is essentially, spying! It starts off innocent and all about the baby etc, then gets used as a spy kit.

It's just all a bit odd! Take it down, get one that you simply have for bedtime - a good old fashioned monitor.
CCTV outside is fair enough - inside? Bizarre, IMO.

june2007 · 10/09/2020 08:48

You say you don,t keep secrets but they you say you deliberately don,t tell him everything, which could be construed as keeping secrets. Basically this isn,t about the cameras is it?
It,s about trust and deeper issues in your relationship.

BabyLlamaZen · 10/09/2020 08:52

That's so creepy. I got one which is video but no WiFi or anything, you watch from inside the hose on the device only.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2020 09:03

It’s hardly secret or covert if he’s talking to the dc through it, most parents at home are rarely far from their small child.
Doing this sounds fine for most people but if the partner at home doesn’t like it it’s totally not fine , nor is his respond about you should have nothing to hide.

tenlittlecygnets · 10/09/2020 09:23

I went to the park once with the kids I said I wouldn’t be long, I was an hour, by the time I’d got back I had 3 missed calls (wrangling kids and phone on silent) and when I got home he asked me who I’d met.
He denies these things when I bring them up again, says he was worried about us I said I’d only be 20 minutes (I didn’t) and very often I feel I’m losing my mind and my memory. So yes, gaslighting is correct I think.

That's your bigger problem. He's controlling, and hiding it by pretending to be worried about you.

HIM saying 'he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide' is crap too. He should be listening to YOU and what you want. I'd hate my dh to be spying on me. Your h hasn't even asked. If you hadn't noticed, when would he have told you?

I'm amazed by how many people have CCTV at hone. How much work do you get done in the day if you're always popping off to watch your kids or dh at home?!

I avoid telling him things because I can’t be bothered to deal with the aggressive negative comments about whatever it is I’ve mentioned. It’s honestly exhausting but that’s his personality in general tbh.

That's really not great, OP. What are you going to do?

Ceilingfan · 10/09/2020 09:29

I have cctv that sends notifications too, sometimes dh will click on it if he is on his phone when a notification pops up.

He will tell me, I saw you doing xyz, i dont find that peculiar, that's why we got it, just an extra set of eyes.

SummerWhisper · 10/09/2020 09:29

So when he comes in from work, he rushes straight to the children, plays with them, feeds them, baths them and reads them a bedtime story? Thought not. It really isn't about missing the children and it really is about spying on you to control you.

Ceilingfan · 10/09/2020 09:35

Hmm having rtft, cctv doesn't seem right for your home.
Only turn it on when your out the house.

VainAbigail · 10/09/2020 09:47

You’ve posted about this before have you op? Getting déjà vu.

OTA1 · 10/09/2020 09:50

Hi OP. I'm also on the receiving end of this and I want you to know YANBU. I also have CCTV in my garden and my DP will make comments a few days later after I've been out to question where I went and why.

My advice is to tell him (not ask) that they're going off while you're in the house. Only going back on again while you're out for long periods of time or overnight. If he is not using them to "spy" on you, then he won't have an objection.

I know how suffocating it feels. DP got so obsessed with my movements, he even asked why I walked around my own garden on one particular evening Hmm

Nip this in the bud fast. It's not good for your mental wellbeing.

WhenTwoBecomeThree · 10/09/2020 10:01

This doesn't sit well with me, if he wants to see the kids at work then he can video call you on his breaks or send him pictures and videos of things they're doing. Wether he claims it's innocent or not, it's an invasion of your privacy. Your update pushed it over the edge, they're SECURITY cameras, not spy cameras. He should not be using them to check when you're going out or how long you've been gone and he certainly shouldn't be using it against you.

RememberBlazinSquad · 10/09/2020 10:02

The DH in this particular example does sound like a controlling prick but I don't think that logging in from your phone to look at the monitor when you're out of the house is at all creepy. Why would you bother to have that technology if you didn't expect it to be used that way?

If we had this I know my DH would definitely have logged in to see the kids/me and we would both have liked it. It would have made him feel more part of their day. He works out of the house for 12+ hours a day and misses them like crazy. It's not creepy for a father to want to see his children. Even though he is gasp a man

GabriellaMontez · 10/09/2020 10:10

Some posters think yabu. There is a context in which this, maybe, could be ok behaviour.

It's not here. He didn't tell you. Ignores your objections and there's obviously a context you arent telling us about that will be the deciding factor.

I wouldn't be happy with this surveillance in my own home. That's enough. I'd turn the camera or if necessary the wifi off.

If others would be happy with this that's fine.

Yesyoudoknowme · 10/09/2020 10:12

@TheMostHappy

I don't find it that odd. He is her husband and father of her children not some random bloke. It wouldn't bother me if it were my dh. He watches me gardening on our cctv all the time - he takes the piss because I'm standing looking at a pile of dirt a lot of the time and when I walk past a camera I usually remember to give a little 🖕🏻
^This. Everyone saying 'that's creepy' must have a really weird relationship with their DHs. If he has form for being weird/creepy/stalkerish fair enough, but you haven't said that. You married him, now you don't want him watching you? How do you cope when you're asleep and he's not, for example?
DeliciouslyFemale · 10/09/2020 10:15

This. Everyone saying 'that's creepy' must have a really weird relationship with their DHs. If he has form for being weird/creepy/stalkerish fair enough, but you haven't said that. You married him, now you don't want him watching you? How do you cope when you're asleep and he's not, for example?

Did you completely miss the bit where the OP said he was grilling her about why she was ten minutes late (he saw her on camera) and accusing her of doing something wrong?

Mix56 · 10/09/2020 10:40

Why should Op have to justify her every movement? maybe when she was out she just sat on a bench in a pool of sunlight...for 10 minutes & dreamed of how life could be
You don't have to tell your partner every single action you do throughout the day.

TitsOutForHarambe · 10/09/2020 10:43

I wish people would read these things properly before wading in with their damaging advice