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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching me on the baby monitor

199 replies

Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:04

We have a video baby monitor in our house to watch the baby, obviously ! It’s always on; I’ve never thought much about it. It’s one of those that goes through to your phone and you can watch it wherever you are. However I’ve just found out that DH is logging in to it whilst he’s out and watching what’s going on when I’m by myself with kids. I don’t know how often or for how long. It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.

I’m not happy with this...

So I thought I’d ask what you all thought...?

YABU - he can look on the baby monitor whenever he likes
YANBU - he shouldn’t be using the baby monitor like that

OP posts:
Travis1 · 09/09/2020 21:20

I’d put a cover over it unless the kids were sleeping. Creepy af.

user1481840227 · 09/09/2020 21:23

It's not innocent unless he makes sure she's ok with it.

I would hate to be watched in this way.
Maybe others won't care. That's fine......but unless he checks first it can not be considered innocent.

jagoda · 09/09/2020 21:25

Can you not turn it off when it's not needed?

MissConductUS · 09/09/2020 21:26

Pretend you have a boyfriend around - "Reggie, not now, DH will be home soon!"

Grin

I think that if he's getting alerts on his phone that something is happening that's probalby what's triggering it. If you don't need in on during the day just disconnect it when you're home.

MyOwnSummer · 09/09/2020 21:26

OP doesn't like it, therefore he should listen to her and stop it
...end of. If you're uncomfortable with something your partner should respect that boundary.

Polyxena · 09/09/2020 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 09/09/2020 21:33

OP clearly context is everything here. As some posters have said (probably within the context of happy loving relationships) they wouldn’t mind at all and their DP just wants to say hello to the kids etc.

But if there is a context of controlling, jealous, paranoid or similar behaviour (and especially as he didn’t tell you he was logging in), then it’s absolutely not ok and I would feel spied upon. Especially with the “you wouldn’t mind if you had nothing to hide” comment - a lot of people don’t like to be watched secretly, especially when there is possibly a power imbalance or other issues going on.

Don’t let him gaslight you. You know the context of your situation. If you want to give more info there are lot of wise posters here to give you advice.

Ragwort · 09/09/2020 21:36

Why do you have a monitor, are only you allowed to watch it? Hmm.

Just turn it off.

bluebluezoo · 09/09/2020 21:39

I don’t get it. Do you have monitors in every room?

Our baby monitor was set up in the baby’s room. I was only in there morning and night. Any other time you’d be watching video of empty room.

How is he watching you in the day? You’ll be moving from room to room, and the monitor will be where the baby sleeps? Surely he’s either watching sleeping baby, or an empty room?

Sloeginclub · 09/09/2020 21:40

Can't you just turn it off ? Don't really get the point of video baby monitors myself. Another unnecessary 'essential baby item' marketed to parents.

wafflyversatile · 09/09/2020 21:44

I voted yanbo but it depends I suppose. It's so easy with the tech set up. I could imagine being bored at work and looking to see how my little cutesters were doing.

But how I imagine that in my head it wouldn't be a secret.

Even with the nothing to hide defence if he is just doing it innocently I can see he might then wonder why you object.

Clearly from previous posts different people have different privacy preferences within relationships so it depends on how you feel about it and what he is like generally.

TakeMe2Insanity · 09/09/2020 21:45

In light of what OP has said in page 2, I’d be inclined to tell your d(?)h that it makes you feel uncomfortable and if he’d like to talk to the kids phone or facetime. If he continues, then that’s crossing a boundary but you need to address it. I don’t think the machine having an accident will help because he can just install another and not tell you where the camera is.

MaryBoBary · 09/09/2020 21:45

This is your husband you're talking about, the father of your children. Unless there's a massive drip feed to come then I have no idea why this would bother you. What are you doing that you are upset your husband has seen?! There are some odd people and even odder relationships on mumsnet...

MaryBoBary · 09/09/2020 21:46

This is your husband you're talking about, the father of your children. Unless there's a massive drip feed to come then I have no idea why this would bother you. What are you doing that you are upset your husband has seen?! There are some odd people and even odder relationships on mumsnet...

MitziK · 09/09/2020 21:48

there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide

Fuck. That. Shit.

Here's the long awaited LTB for you.

Hellishcrusade · 09/09/2020 21:52

I found out because I suddenly heard his voice come over the camera talking to our child.
I have discussed with him, to those that have asked, and he insists that he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide.

1st bit makes it sound fine. 2nd bit is fucking weird and controlling. What is it he thinks you have to hide?

Covert20 · 09/09/2020 21:53

You’re right @MaryBoBary there are some really odd people on MN! All the ones who think it’s normal for their partners to watch them while they’re not there for one...

DottyFlossie · 09/09/2020 21:53

I think it is really creepy.

Ragwort · 09/09/2020 21:54

Agree Sloe, new parents are every marketing department's dream, so easy to sell them unnecessary stuff. Why do people need monitors unless you live in a mansion? I remember visiting a friend who had a monitor all set up even though the baby was in the very next room Hmm.

Waveysnail · 09/09/2020 21:56

Dh scared the crap out of me couple.times talking through baby monitor when ours were wee. Didnt fuss me as only time I was in kids room was when they were going for a nap or putting them to bed

Original poster
Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 21:56

I never said he was watching me all day in every room - I don’t know where people have got that from. I’ve never implied that & I’ve been clear that I don’t know the full details of how often he’s logging in or watching what’s going on in the kids room.

To the poster who said the vote wasn’t valid - it very much is valid to me. And it proves that I’m not in fact over reacting, regardless of the context of previous problems. Some people would not be happy with this scenario and it’s not just me. (I totally get that some people wouldn’t be bothered but it bothers me)

To those asking, there have been previous issues in the past, there are cameras over the outside of the house for security purposes that I know he has used on occasion to see where I am (he denies & says its popped up on his phone so he looked) but actually with that information he has questioned why I was 10 minutes late home (3 days later - so not in a conversation on the day because he happened to notice he holds it back), not in the kind way that he professes it to be but in a rather accusatory way for example. I feel spied on.

I went to the park once with the kids I said I wouldn’t be long, I was an hour, by the time I’d got back I had 3 missed calls (wrangling kids and phone on silent) and when I got home he asked me who I’d met.
He denies these things when I bring them up again, says he was worried about us I said I’d only be 20 minutes (I didn’t) and very often I feel I’m losing my mind and my memory. So yes, gaslighting is correct I think.

He has always told me I’m secretive, I hide things from him but I don’t at all - it’s in his head. But I do, to be honest, avoid telling him things because I can’t be bothered to deal with the aggressive negative comments about whatever it is I’ve mentioned. It’s honestly exhausting but that’s his personality in general tbh.

Also, yes - I have turned it off ! And I told him I was doing it too. Tomorrow’s job is the outside cameras because I’m sick of feeling spied on.

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 09/09/2020 21:57

How does he know you are in the room where the camera is?

BIRDSbirds · 09/09/2020 21:57

It's a bit wierd - could be super creepy and controlling or could just be sweet that he misses his kids and wants to see them. Have you asked him about it?

Covert20 · 09/09/2020 21:58

This might feel like an overreaction, but I’d be planning my escape. He doesn’t sound safe to me.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 09/09/2020 22:03

We both do this - for a mix of reasons.. sometimes because we miss family and it’s nice to catch a little glimpse of them having a pre bedtime dance off or whatever. Sometimes to see how the other person is getting on with doing bedtime etc.
But I guess the difference is that both of us know that we could do it, we do it very occasionally - if the baby is sleeping alone we check it often, but checking when the other parent is in there is something that happens once a week maybe - and we don’t use it outside baby’s room. We do have cameras elsewhere in the house because we have a nanny and those we don’t use to check in on the other parent because instinctively it feels creepy.