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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching me on the baby monitor

199 replies

Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:04

We have a video baby monitor in our house to watch the baby, obviously ! It’s always on; I’ve never thought much about it. It’s one of those that goes through to your phone and you can watch it wherever you are. However I’ve just found out that DH is logging in to it whilst he’s out and watching what’s going on when I’m by myself with kids. I don’t know how often or for how long. It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.

I’m not happy with this...

So I thought I’d ask what you all thought...?

YABU - he can look on the baby monitor whenever he likes
YANBU - he shouldn’t be using the baby monitor like that

OP posts:
DeliciouslyFemale · 09/09/2020 23:12

Are you sure there aren’t other cameras hidden? Has he bought any ornaments, clocks or something unexpected, for any of the other rooms?

DoTheMaccaroni · 09/09/2020 23:14

@Nonononon

If he's getting notifications on his phone maybe curiosity gets the better of him and he just wants to see what his family is up to at that moment?
I agree with this!
CareBearFan · 09/09/2020 23:19

He sounds potentially dangerous to me. I don't usually feel like that when reading posts here but I did with your update OP. I'm sorry, but please don't assume that he will behave in what you'd consider a normal way (he already hasn't, for a start).

Pobblebonk · 09/09/2020 23:27

Just wondering why you got the camera? Some parents get these precisely so that they can cheer themselves up at work having a look at the kids, checking how they are etc. So they may well log on at odd hours and, if other family members are in the room, of course they will be seen. If your husband wanted to spy on you, I'd have expected him to set up cameras in other rooms.

That said, I see that you have concerns about him using other cameras to check up on you and generally being quite controlling, so it's difficult to judge which side of the fence this particular conduct falls on. But if you're not comfortable with it of course you have every right to turn the camera off.

janetmendoza · 09/09/2020 23:30

Well no idea if your dh is weird op, but I do this sort of thing all the time and i'm not weird! Don't those of you who have a 'ring' doorbell log into it? I do all the time to see which car is on the drive/see if we have visitors/ see if anyone has let the cat out/watered the hanging baskets/gone out and left the windows open. I would definitely have logged into the baby monitor remotely had that even been a thing when ds was small.

Alwaysoverthinkingit34 · 09/09/2020 23:31

We have a nest door bell and security camera placed at door in kitchen. When ever there is movement my OH gets a notification and he just can’t help himself and he checks! I’m working from home so I’m always in and out the kitchen which pings him a notification. I just turn it off at the back as I find it weird he can’t stop being nosey!!

kelly14 · 09/09/2020 23:39

We have Nest cameras In the kitchen ( which points through to hall and front door) and upstairs in our bedroom but that points out onto the street, looking at the car.

My husband Will sometimes look in so he can see the kids ( toddler and baby) he isn't in anyway controlling in any aspect of our relationship and I know he doesn't do it to look at what I'm doing but I still don't like it lol
If I see the light go green on the camera sometimes I Will just pull the plug out! Lol

Same if I have friends or family over and we having a gossip in the kitchen I will just pull the plug.

I don't like the feeling of being watched whether he means it to be that way or not.

Fantajuice · 09/09/2020 23:39

@june2007

So he is not allowed to look at his children from work? It won,t shoe much will it as I imagie children are not in the room the whole time are they? If you uncomfortable tell him, but you sound the unreasonable one.
Are you kidding? She's being spied on in her own home.
Fantajuice · 09/09/2020 23:44

@Watchingthebabymonitor

There is some background but don’t want to skew the vote. I am still here and I am reading. I wanted to know whether other people would be okay with this or not. To answer some questions, It covers the whole of kids room because of how it’s mounted. & also catches movement outside the room sometimes too. I did not know he was doing it, I do not know how often he has been doing it nor how long for so I cannot answer for sure whether it’s simply because a notification popped up or because he wanted to spy. I found out because I suddenly heard his voice come over the camera talking to our child. I have discussed with him, to those that have asked, and he insists that he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide. Hmm I also asked why he felt the need to do that instead of calling or video calling if he wants to know what’s going on or speak to the kids / me - why not ask?

I am unhappy as it feels uncomfortable to not know if I’m being watched or not & it feels like an invasion of my privacy in some way. It’s there to watch the kids when they’re sleeping, not whilst I am at home with them in the same room.

You are right, OP. You are entitled to your privacy, your DP doesn't have the right to spy on you.

Genuinely shocked by the number of people saying it's okay. He's not tuning in via FaceTime, he's spying on the OP without her knowledge.

RoseTintedAtuin · 09/09/2020 23:44

You see the context does matter... I was going to say this would be fine by me and as others have mentioned maybe speaks to separation anxiety from LO but now you’ve mentioned this is a pattern of behaviour, it is unacceptable.

tobeornottobe1 · 09/09/2020 23:44

So when the kids are in their room, your DP gets a notification on his phone. So he logs on and checks the camera and sees his kids and says hello through the camera? Can't see an issue? If he installs cameras around the house then ild be concerned.

goldensummerhouse · 10/09/2020 00:11

he insists that he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide

Well, right back at him. If there's no problem, why doesn't he tell you that he was checking in on you and the kids?

He's a creep.

Fantajuice · 10/09/2020 00:11

@tobeornottobe1

So when the kids are in their room, your DP gets a notification on his phone. So he logs on and checks the camera and sees his kids and says hello through the camera? Can't see an issue? If he installs cameras around the house then ild be concerned.
He doesn't say hello. If he did, OP wouldn't have just found out he's doing it.
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/09/2020 00:17

If you don't want to be watched, turn it off when you're in. If he objects THEN there's a problem.

Exactly. Switch the damn thing off!

ToDoListAddict · 10/09/2020 00:27

We have a camera to check on the animals and I admit, when my husband was off long term sick with MH issues I would check it to see if he was ok but he knew about it and was fine about it but if he had ever felt uneasy I would have stopped instantly.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/09/2020 00:51

With that update, OP, I would be very, very unhappy about it. Also the comment about "if you've got nothing to hide" illustrates an attitude of entitlement over you that is controlling and arrogant. Glad you're taking decisive action.

LethargicButAwesome · 10/09/2020 00:56

Tbh if I got regular notifications on my phone I would probably look too don't think it's sinister unless other things have been going on too

BlaBlaBlaUsername · 10/09/2020 01:02

This is not normal. Get rid of the monitor, and consider your future with him. This is stalking. Regardless of him being your husband and living together. Scary dude.

Oncemorewithfeelin · 10/09/2020 01:12

Based on your initial post I put YABU, but with your additional information i think it’s all part of his unreasonable behaviours and you are right to be annoyed.

JKRisaqueen · 10/09/2020 01:18

I bet you anything that this guy is a jealous controlling nutter. It might not have come out yet but it will

seayork2020 · 10/09/2020 01:25

Op if another poster posted this what would say to them 'it's all good nothing's wrong' I doubt it

TorkTorkBam · 10/09/2020 01:34

Glad you are switching it off.

Not just for your sake but also the children. At what age will the children be allowed privacy? That video camera would be in the bin if it were me. Why do you think you need to watch the children sleeping anyway? You are in the same house, if you hear a crash or a cry then you head up there. No video surveillance needed.

PerveenMistry · 10/09/2020 02:13

Somehow I doubt that baby monitor is the only camera in your house. Ugh.

What an insecure weirdo. I couldn't tolerate that.

Kat19811 · 10/09/2020 02:14

THAt is violation really. You should speak to him and ask him why is he watching you. It could be to catch you out with something it could be a genuine care side it could be to see how you are coping.

Minimumstandard · 10/09/2020 05:47

with that information he has questioned why I was 10 minutes late home (3 days later - so not in a conversation on the day because he happened to notice he holds it back), not in the kind way that he professes it to be but in a rather accusatory way for example. I feel spied on.

This is very worrying - turn them off! There could be a hundred reasons why you might be late home - taken baby shopping, for a walk, meeting a friend. But whatever the reason, none of his business...Of course you have the right to go about your day-to-day life without someone watching and questioning you!

For context, my DH works long hours and NEVER asks or questions what DC and I are doing or where we are, though occasionally he'll say he misses us and could I send him a picture of DC. I send a few pictures and videos of what we're doing each day (playing, baking or cooking, at the playground, doing painting or drawing etc.) but that's it. I couldn't be doing with a "Daddy is watching us" scenario, it would be too weird.

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