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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching me on the baby monitor

199 replies

Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:04

We have a video baby monitor in our house to watch the baby, obviously ! It’s always on; I’ve never thought much about it. It’s one of those that goes through to your phone and you can watch it wherever you are. However I’ve just found out that DH is logging in to it whilst he’s out and watching what’s going on when I’m by myself with kids. I don’t know how often or for how long. It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.

I’m not happy with this...

So I thought I’d ask what you all thought...?

YABU - he can look on the baby monitor whenever he likes
YANBU - he shouldn’t be using the baby monitor like that

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 09/09/2020 20:52

there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide

Said by every controlling gaslighting arsehole ever.

Manolin · 09/09/2020 20:52

There is some background but don’t want to skew the vote.

Worthless vote then.... There is a saying - "Come to equity with clean hands".

JBEM4 · 09/09/2020 20:52

@june2007

YABU to come on here before discussing it with your oh.
THIS! 👆👆

There has to be something else going on for you to be questioning it or concerned.
Why have you not mentioned it to him first?

Manolin · 09/09/2020 20:53

^ Yes and that.

What is your agenda.

FortniteBoysMum · 09/09/2020 20:54

So either turn it off unless it's night time or change for a non video one.

VinylDetective · 09/09/2020 20:54

If it was causing me all this angst I’d just turn the damn thing off.

Howallergic · 09/09/2020 20:55

Surely the point of such a system is that you check in on it to see the baby?

namechangetheworld · 09/09/2020 20:55

Some of these responses are bizarre and you sound paranoid. He's watching his own children, in their bedroom. It's not like he's got cameras all over the bloody house to monitor your every move. He probably misses them while he's at work and logs in every so often to see them playing.

grey12 · 09/09/2020 20:55

DD1 old nursery had cameras that you could check on the phone app. It was really nice to see her playing with the other kids.

I would bring it up with him.

Tbh with you our baby monitor is radio frequency only! The problem with those monitors is not your husband checking the feed, it's strangers hacking onto it! It gives me the creeps to think about it....

PrincessBuggerPants · 09/09/2020 20:56

Turn it off. Red flags all over it.

If he had mentioned it to you before it might be ok for some weird families with no boundaries, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

Indoctro · 09/09/2020 20:56

My friend does this to her husband if she is out, she loves watching him soothe there child etc and putting him to bed

Nothing weird about it, just loves seeing her husband and her kid interacting when she isn't there

It wouldn't bother me

QuestionMarkNow · 09/09/2020 20:57

Well she HAS discussed it wíth her DH. And the OP is still very uneasy about it.

@Watchingthebabymonitor, I wouldn’t like it either. In particular because it was done behind your back wo ever telling you about it. You’ve had no choice in the matter.
As for ‘well it shouldn't matter if you dint have anything to hide’...that’s low and not the point at all really.
The issue is WHY.
Why does feel the need to observe you (I’m pretty confident that if it was just about the dcs, he would have told you tbh)?
Why did he feel the need to hide the fact he is watching you?

MadameMeursault · 09/09/2020 20:59

I used to miss my DC so much when I went back to work that I used to wish there was a camera at nursery so I could watch them all day (and not do any work haha). Perhaps he feels like that?

missbipolar · 09/09/2020 21:00

Definitely not on- nor should he be needing to video call/call etc while he's at work- its definitely not because of the kids that's for sure

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2020 21:01

I agree with PP, if you knew he was doing it and had spoke about it beforehand, it would be completely different. It's the fact you didn't know he's been watching you the whole time.

BatShite · 09/09/2020 21:03

I would find this quite creepy tbh

frazzledasarock · 09/09/2020 21:04

Unplug it every morning.

It really posses me off when people say ‘well if you’ve nothing to hide’, ifhe has nothing to hide he’d have told you he was doing it wouldn’t he.

Do you want to stay married to him?

HandfulofDust · 09/09/2020 21:10

I think it depends. Doing it in secret is creepy but just missing you and wanting to watch you playing with the kids is not bad. Although equally fine to ask him not to if it makes you uncomfortable.

purplegirdles · 09/09/2020 21:10

This wouldn't bother me as my DP would just be missing the kids at work, but then there's no "background" for me - which you say there is here? We can't really judge the situation tbh if you don't say what's going on.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 09/09/2020 21:15

Cover it when he is away.

Shizzlestix · 09/09/2020 21:15

he insists that he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide

As @Sparklfairy says, gaslighting. It would be enough for most people to understand that it’s making their partner uncomfortable. I would hate it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/09/2020 21:15

YANBU but I have to admit I spied on my DH when he was on shared parental leave with my DD! I told him though and spoke to him through the monitor - scared him to death! Grin

Leeds2 · 09/09/2020 21:16

I wouldn't like this at all.

I would especially not like that he hadn't told you he was doing this, and you only found out by accident. If he had been up front about wanting to see the DC whilst he was at work from the outset, I wouldn't have had an issue.

fatgirlslimmer · 09/09/2020 21:19

Why don’t you turn it off when it’s not in use?

Blackbear19 · 09/09/2020 21:19

Op I'd let it have an accident / break fall off the wall dusting or something. But close the bedroom door during the day. Are you sure he doesn't have other cameras in the house too?
How old are your kids, they don't sound like tiny babies?