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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching me on the baby monitor

199 replies

Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:04

We have a video baby monitor in our house to watch the baby, obviously ! It’s always on; I’ve never thought much about it. It’s one of those that goes through to your phone and you can watch it wherever you are. However I’ve just found out that DH is logging in to it whilst he’s out and watching what’s going on when I’m by myself with kids. I don’t know how often or for how long. It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.

I’m not happy with this...

So I thought I’d ask what you all thought...?

YABU - he can look on the baby monitor whenever he likes
YANBU - he shouldn’t be using the baby monitor like that

OP posts:
june2007 · 09/09/2020 20:27

YABU to come on here before discussing it with your oh.

iusedtoloveopalfruits1 · 09/09/2020 20:28

@Srslydontgiveacrap

What woman?! I need to pay more attention to the adverts on here. I’ve obviously missed that one.

Mmsnet101 · 09/09/2020 20:29

DP & I do this to each other sometimes, partly because you get a notification so I panic and think there's a burglar or DD is crying and DP hasn't heard (he's partially deaf which is why we have the notifications on). But also sometimes I'm missing DD at work and it melts my heart to see them interacting naturally without me around, like being a fly on the wall in your own home! Ours allows you to speak through the monitor too so I used to do that to let them know I was watching but DD gets confused by that and upset that she can't find me so can't do it any more.

Maybe it's weird but we both do it and neither minds Blush it's only setup in her room so not like one can sit and watch the other all day, big brother style.

If you don't like it, tell him and switch it off.

Utilityroomenvy · 09/09/2020 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Minimumstandard · 09/09/2020 20:29

Creepy. Particularly if he didn't tell you that he is doing this.

Lockheart · 09/09/2020 20:30

Maybe he's just bored at work and wants to see you and the baby.

Maybe he's a controlling pervy stalker.

Talk to him first.

Cryalot2 · 09/09/2020 20:31

How did you find out? Have you spoken to him?
Personally I would think it way out of order.
Is he controlling?

Undies1990 · 09/09/2020 20:36

When you spoke to him about it, presumably you have before posting about it on here to a bunch of strangers who don't know your DH, what did he say? Perhaps he's missing you all so could be checking in to see his family. Perhaps there is a massive drip feed coming....

ChocoholicMama · 09/09/2020 20:36

It depends if there's other red flags or controlling behaviour that you haven't mentioned. If not then I see no harm in sneaking a quick peek at the baby during work. Surely it's just the baby room it monitors so he's more likely to see the baby napping or playing and you putting clothes away or something. It's not like he's checking in on you. But it all depends on context. My immediate thought is he took a few minutes break from work and wanted to see his family, there's no harm in that. Now if he's watching it for ten mins every hour so knows everything you do during the day, that's a different matter.

Looneytune253 · 09/09/2020 20:37

It could be seen as sweet but depends what he is usually like. Nice of everyone on here to start condemning him straight away tho!! Full of man haters on here lol

HM1984 · 09/09/2020 20:37

wow some of these comments. I'm surprised I've not seen a LTB!!!

Not a big deal at all IMO. I get notifications on my phone for my doorbell, I check them. IMO I think you're massively overreacting.

Rather than ask strangers on the internet, perhaps speak to the father of your children, the man you trusted and loved enough to marry. My guess is its completely innocent and I hope he also tells you you're overthinking something completely innocent.

Tbh i'd be well annoyed if my OH accused me of some of the comments on here.

Shizzlestix · 09/09/2020 20:38

He has no need to do this if you are with the dc. Have you tackled him about it? Can you disable it if you’re home?

napody · 09/09/2020 20:39

No not ok! If he misses you he can video call. During lockdown we got into the habit of 'unattended' video calls with my mum (just called and she could see us and the kids chat over breakfast or whatever) the big difference is we knew when we were on camera!

HM1984 · 09/09/2020 20:39

@Looneytune253i know right, this site is known for that !!!

CarrieFour · 09/09/2020 20:40

But surely it's just looking at the cot etc?

So most of the day you're not going to be on it anyway. Only a few moments here and there at nap time?

If so I don't see an issue. If I was working and I got an alert there was movement I'd have a peep to see my baby/DH.

It's not like the camera can fly round the house watching what you're up to all day.

category12 · 09/09/2020 20:42

Just turn the thing off when you're not using it for its intended purpose, surely?

Suzi888 · 09/09/2020 20:44

Misses the kids? Ask him. Presumably there is only one monitor? Tell him to stop if you think it’s a bit weird,

Original poster
Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:45

There is some background but don’t want to skew the vote. I am still here and I am reading. I wanted to know whether other people would be okay with this or not.
To answer some questions,
It covers the whole of kids room because of how it’s mounted. & also catches movement outside the room sometimes too.
I did not know he was doing it, I do not know how often he has been doing it nor how long for so I cannot answer for sure whether it’s simply because a notification popped up or because he wanted to spy.
I found out because I suddenly heard his voice come over the camera talking to our child.
I have discussed with him, to those that have asked, and he insists that he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide. Hmm
I also asked why he felt the need to do that instead of calling or video calling if he wants to know what’s going on or speak to the kids / me - why not ask?

I am unhappy as it feels uncomfortable to not know if I’m being watched or not & it feels like an invasion of my privacy in some way. It’s there to watch the kids when they’re sleeping, not whilst I am at home with them in the same room.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 09/09/2020 20:48

Wonder how he would view it if the situation was reversed?

june2007 · 09/09/2020 20:48

So he is not allowed to look at his children from work? It won,t shoe much will it as I imagie children are not in the room the whole time are they? If you uncomfortable tell him, but you sound the unreasonable one.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/09/2020 20:49

We did this when mine were smaller in both directions - I watched DH sometimes, he watched me sometimes. It was very much about not missing out on family life. But it could be done as something sinister and you, OP, are the one best placed to judge if there;s something more to it.

But regardless of your DH's intent, you don't like it. If it bothered me I would probably just turn the camera towards the wall when I entered the room and back again when I left. If he wanted to see the baby during the day (and it was convenient for me) I'd arrange a facetime meeting or the like.

If I was concerned there was something more sinister in DH's intent I would be on the lookout for other surveillance. But bear in mind lack of sleep can make things seem like more than they are (and also mean that you miss things that are right there, so rushing to judgment one way or the other may not be for the best.

Notapheasantplucker · 09/09/2020 20:50

I'd be freaked out if my DP did this to me. I'd be really uncomfortable about it.

Rigamorph · 09/09/2020 20:50

It wouldn't bother me personally, if I knew he might be watching I would wave and blow him a kiss.
But that's because I love him and trust him and know he's not a weirdo, and would only be doing it because he misses us.
Only you know your own situation.

Sunshineandsparkle · 09/09/2020 20:51

“I have discussed with him, to those that have asked, and he insists that he’s done nothing wrong and there shouldn’t be a problem if I have nothing to hide.”

This is the thing I would have a major issue with. How dare he try and manipulate you and try and make you second guess yourself because you’ve told him that he’s doing something that makes you fundamentally uncomfortable?

SimonJT · 09/09/2020 20:51

We have two puppy cams in the living area, you can hear whats going on and you can also speak into your phone which then comes out of the camera.

We both go out when out and about, whether we’re all out or if someone else is at home. The only time we don’t is when the cleaner is here and we have made a little cover she can pop over them if she wishes.

Until recently my boyfriend was having to self isolate so he was essentially locked in the bedroom for ten days. He used it quite a lot then and would sometimes say things over it, especially when he saw me doing something weird. He also took a few terrifying screenshots at night when I had scary glowing white eyes.

If I didn’t like it and told him it wouldn’t have bothered him and he’d have stopped doing it.