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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH watching me on the baby monitor

199 replies

Watchingthebabymonitor · 09/09/2020 20:04

We have a video baby monitor in our house to watch the baby, obviously ! It’s always on; I’ve never thought much about it. It’s one of those that goes through to your phone and you can watch it wherever you are. However I’ve just found out that DH is logging in to it whilst he’s out and watching what’s going on when I’m by myself with kids. I don’t know how often or for how long. It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.

I’m not happy with this...

So I thought I’d ask what you all thought...?

YABU - he can look on the baby monitor whenever he likes
YANBU - he shouldn’t be using the baby monitor like that

OP posts:
TitsOutForHarambe · 09/09/2020 22:05

Sounds creepy as fuck to me. I was on the fence until he said " if you have nothing to hide". That's a bit scary and weird.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 09/09/2020 22:05

@cdtaylornats

How does he know you are in the room where the camera is?
If you read OP’s post you will see how
FortunesFave · 09/09/2020 22:06

I'm torn....he's not logging in exactly when you're in the baby's room....he can't possibly know when that is....so he's just sometimes seeing you.

And chatting to the baby over the mic.

I mean...it's not exactly peeping Tom stuff is it?

I do think it's weird you've got it on when you're at home though! Aren't they really like nanny cams?

CanuckBC · 09/09/2020 22:08

He sounds very controlling and abusive. I would be very concerned about what he will do when he learns you have turned the outside cameras off. Be very very careful.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 09/09/2020 22:08

@FortunesFave

I'm torn....he's not logging in exactly when you're in the baby's room....he can't possibly know when that is....so he's just sometimes seeing you.

And chatting to the baby over the mic.

I mean...it's not exactly peeping Tom stuff is it?

I do think it's weird you've got it on when you're at home though! Aren't they really like nanny cams?

@FortunesFave it’s in the opening post - “ It does send notifications through to the phone when it senses movement.“ so he does know as he gets a notification when someone’s moving in the room
nnnnnnnnnnn · 09/09/2020 22:11

''Have you challenged him? Maybe it’s innocent and he just misses you''

chances are that is it but mn logic everything gets widely blown out of proportion.

lookingatthings · 09/09/2020 22:11

I did this when I first went back to work and DH was looking after our then 10m old. I missed him. So I peeked in on bedtime. I told him I was doing it though. Now at 18m I go to work two days a week and relish the time alone 😂

TorgosPizza · 09/09/2020 22:12

I can imagine feeling uncomfortable with the idea that someone could be watching me in the privacy of my home without me knowing it, but on the other hand, if it was my husband and wasn't happening all day but just every now and then, I'd think it was just a sign that he loved me and our child(ren) and wanted to feel closer to us, a part of what we were doing even when he was away from the house.

It would of course be different if he was watching obsessively, asking me why I did something a certain way (being controlling), or using it to keep too close an eye on my comings and goings, etc.

Based on your update, there are control issues. It's your particular husband who's the problem, not the baby monitor viewing in and of itself.

lookingatthings · 09/09/2020 22:13

Reading your second post though...he sounds a bit off.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/09/2020 22:22

A couple of posters have suggested you turn it off when you're home. Have you done this?

BojoKilledMyMojo · 09/09/2020 22:30

We have cameras throughout downstairs for the dog. When I get home from work I switch them off as they're not needed on. And I want to be able to laze about or scratch my arse if I choose to without being seen.

Rubyroost · 09/09/2020 22:33

Different perspective here, but I don't necessarily think it is disturbing. I used to do the same when I was at work and look at my 5 month old sleeping etc.

billy1966 · 09/09/2020 22:38

He's a complete freak and don't allow anyone tell you otherwise.

I don't need to read any background.

This is a complete invasion of your privacy and no decent man would contemplate this, much less follow through.

No excuses OP.
So sorry.
Just awful.Flowers

orangejuicer · 09/09/2020 22:40

Just turn it off when not in use?

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 09/09/2020 22:40

Fuck that OP. It's weird, controlling and abusive. It's not his 'personality'. He's spying on you, gaslighting you and making you unhappy. Do not stay with this man. Your children will not be brought up in a happy enviroment in this situation.

Hellishcrusade · 09/09/2020 22:43

Your update kills it OP, he's not a nice man ☹️

Polyxena · 09/09/2020 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 09/09/2020 22:44

This is a consent issue.
If the OP knows about it and doesn't mind, that is fine.
To not know and then find out is a violation.

We have camera's inside and all around our house.
I don't think of them and yes I know they can be viewed remotely (you actually forget totally with 5 minutes!).

To be watched without knowing is just awful.
Flowers

NoGinNotComingIn · 09/09/2020 22:45

I wouldn’t find it odd if my husband did this, I’d probably have a little look too if it was me at work and my husband at home with the kids. Why is it so sinister? He’s watching his wife and kids on a baby monitor not recording her showering through a peep hole! Mumsnet is weird sometimes.

Sparklfairy · 09/09/2020 22:50

Your last update is chilling.

Speaking as someone that has been on the receiving end of wild accusations, jumping to conclusions, paranoia, demanding photo proof of where I was, and of course the 'you have to comply with xyz behaviour because if you don't that's proof you have something to hide'... this sort of controlling entitlement to your privacy only gets worse.

Turn everything off. There'll probably be a huge row and he will gaslight you incessantly. Privacy and freedom are basic human rights. Tell them you are reclaiming them and if he doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

Lilymossflower · 09/09/2020 22:52

By your update he sounds very controlling, manipulative and is gaslighting you

I wouldn't feel comfortable

MindatWork · 09/09/2020 22:52

He sounds terrible from your update OP. To give you another perspective, DH recently installed a video doorbell as he sometimes works from home out in the garden office and often gets deliveries. It had a motion sensor and was set up so he would get a notification every time someone came within a 2m radius of the front door or when the doorbell rang (I could also have notifications set but chose not to).

I said I wasn’t really happy with this as it felt a bit weird for his phone to be buzzing every time i left the house with our DD or returned, or went to get something from my car etc. Not that I’ve got anything to hide, it just felt a bit unnecessary. He agreed and said it was a bit weird and he’d never thought of it that way, so he disabled the motion sensor and now the alert only goes off when the doorbell rings. No drama, no fuss.

Your DH doesn’t sound like a nice man Sad

ZaphodBeeblerox · 09/09/2020 22:53

Sorry OP I missed your most recent update. He sounds creepy AF.

MindatWork · 09/09/2020 22:53

Agree with pp - what would he do if you turned it all off?

notacooldad · 09/09/2020 23:11

If the camera in the room happened to me I wouldn't care less and would play up to it. ( wave to daddy, that kind of thing)
But your situation is completely different. It sounds awful and not safe to be honest.
You know what you say to him and you are also aware of gaslighting and manipulation so you know it's about control and not so much about 'keeping you safe' and being worried about you.