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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everybody wants me to have an abortion

297 replies

IamConfused202 · 09/09/2020 13:44

This includes my boyfriend, mum and friends.

I am 26. I have lost my job as Covid meant it lost a lot of business so I have been job hunting for 2 months now with no luck. I still live with my parents and there would be no room in the house for a baby as my younger brother and 2 sisters also live in the house.
I found out last Tuesday that I was pregnant.

I told boyfriend (I have been with him around a year and 3 months) and his immediate response was that he wasn't ready and he got really emotional about it and he wants an abortion.

I told my mum and her opinion is it isn't the right time. And she told me to get in touch with a clinic.

My best friend is up and down about it - she thinks I would be a great mum and that other people can cope but that it's up to me ultimately but she said to think about whether the timing is right.

I have convinced myself the abortion is the best thing to do. I have spoke to a nurse on the phone and the tablets will be sent in the post and should be here in the next couple of days.

I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the though. I think i'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I have a feeling i'm going to regret it. But i can't see any other option. Boyfriend has a good paying job but he is saving to buy a house whereas I have nothing - I do have a £2500ish saved but with no job or security I can't see how I could bring a baby into this world.

If I do abort i will be changing contraception.

I just feel so distressed.

I have explained to boyfriend that I would love to keep the baby but I don't see it being sensible, and he is worried i will change my mind as he has no control over it. :(

OP posts:
incognitomum · 09/09/2020 17:34

Family lives. Have you looked on there?

Viviennemary · 09/09/2020 17:35

If you don't want an abortion and think you will have massive regrets then don't. On the practical side you will be entitled to benefits and financial help with childcare.

formerbabe · 09/09/2020 17:37

Of course, your body, your choice.

I will however say in defence of your mum, she probably doesn't want to watch you become an unemployed, single mum...it's not an easy life or one that any of us would want for our children in an ideal world. And she may be feeling that she'll be forced to live with a baby when she is well past that stage of her life and wants a quiet life.

KatherineofTarragon · 09/09/2020 17:40

@Bellecurves
I'd say family will come around to a baby, but if you don't really want an abortion and have one anyway, that will be very sad and have a lasting impact in you.

Parents of OP where OP is currently living have already said they are overcrowded. Family house full.

Where are you suggesting OP lives then with her new baby? How does she fund herself and new baby? Family will come around, agreed, but family cannot magic more space or money, nor should they need too.

Where does OP live then, with no job, no home but her choices?

Tavannach · 09/09/2020 17:51

Benefits for single parents
£73.10 per week Income Support
£20.70 Child benefit
AFAIK any maintenance means that Income Support is reduced by the equivalent amount.

Housing will vary depending where you are. The council would not house you now but you could apply to go on the waiting list. A child under one is not considered old enough to have its own room and so wouldn't be counted if you were looking to move up the list because of overcrowding.

So it's doable but difficult and certainly not as easy as some posters are suggesting.

KatherineofTarragon · 09/09/2020 17:51

@Bellecurves Life Charity is anti abortion site. Reported your post.

Viviennemary · 09/09/2020 18:03

I looked up this charity. It seems to provide practical help and advice. OP has already said she doesn't want an abortion and is feeling pressurised into it. M

Viviennemary · 09/09/2020 18:04

That was Family Lives I looked up not the other one.

mbosnz · 09/09/2020 18:11

OP, I really feel for you. It's not an easy decision, whichever way you go.

I would say, it is your body, it is your decision - but in saying that, if you go ahead and have the baby - it is also your responsibility. You will be the one responsible for looking after your child, for providing for your child. Not your Mum and Dad. Not your boyfriend. You will be the one literally left holding the baby.

Your family might rally round, but it sounds like they're pretty much at the end of their rope, housing wise, and possibly in other ways as well. And it's not something you can rely on, at this point, given your Mum's blunt reaction.

This is why I ultimately did have a termination, at a younger age than you. I couldn't give a child the life I wanted to give them, that I felt that they deserved. I had no certainty as to what I could provide - except that it would be only just on the right side of sweet fanny adams.

But it is your choice.

bumble79 · 09/09/2020 18:12

Easy for me to say but do what you want to do. I wasn't in a great situation when I fell pregnant with my son 10 years ago. No money, rubbish job, living with parents. Everyone wanted me to have an abortion. I decided to carry on and I have a wonderful year old.

I'm not saying keep it, I'm not saying abort. I'm saying make your own decision only.

allhappeningatonce · 09/09/2020 18:14

You really sound like you don't want an abortion. I'm pregnant, it was unplanned, I'm a little older than you but my circumstances aren't ideal either. I wouldn't agree with abortion personally so i didn't really have a decision to make. I still felt conflicted though.I was worried about being judged and money too. But I'm over half way & counting down till I meet this little creature kicking in my tummy & I know we'll manage. You don't need an Instagram style nursery or a bugaboo. My baba will be kitted out in Asda's finest! No one ever looks at the children they do have and wishes they weren't there normally. Good luck xx

Soundofdapolice · 09/09/2020 18:20

“he wants an abortion.”

If you have the baby,

your on your own.

KatherineofTarragon · 09/09/2020 18:26

@bumble79 how did you support then? How did you independently house yourself and your child financially ? Where did you live? How did you pay for your home? What was was career?

Suzi888 · 09/09/2020 18:31

I work in housing, I didn’t mean to suggest the OP would immediately be provided with a house.
More than likely temporary accommodation, like a hostel. Ideal? No of course not. But there is help available and I wouldn’t want to make a decision on having a child solely based on my accommodation or lack of.

Suzi888 · 09/09/2020 18:33

Claim UC now so that you are in the system.

anothernewyear · 09/09/2020 18:40

I'm 100% behind your body your choice. I would say though that what ever decision you come to do it in mind with a potential other human. If you choose to go through with the pregnancy just remember there'll be a baby at the end of it and that's something you wont be able to undo so you need a long term plan. You need both a home and money. If you think you can make it work, great. Either way it's your choice but you're potentially deciding a way of life for two people. x

Crystal90567 · 09/09/2020 18:45

Please keep your baby xx

CatsArePeopleToo · 09/09/2020 18:49

Don't abort. You will regret it. Nobody who now want you to abort will be there for you. And your boyfriend is an arse.

KatherineofTarragon · 09/09/2020 18:50

@Suzi888 you want UC for
this OP. You do not want OP
to have an UC free life. You do not encourage OP to have a career and earn her own money and provide for her own family? You suggest OP avail of UC?

Crystal90567 · 09/09/2020 18:52

I had my first child at 26. You're certainly not too young. Don't be forced into an abortion.
My DD is now 18 years old and the light of my life.

Just keep your baby. Everyone will come round and love her/him.

hellokitty67 · 09/09/2020 18:53

It's your decision. You do what you want.

I personally wouldn't keep the child though. Not in those circumstances, however much I'd love the child.

I also think it's unfair to say the boyfriend doesn't get a say. It fundamentally does affect his life, not as much as yours, but I can't see how the relationship would survive this.

JenniferSantoro · 09/09/2020 18:54

@iswhois

Ditch the partner for trying to take control of your body- it takes two to make a baby

It is entirely your decision. People have children on all types of circumstances and find the means to manage.

It takes two to make a baby but only one to decide what happens. That doesn’t seem right. OP you make a good point of how can you have a baby with nowhere to live, no job and little savings. It’s all very well people advising you with fluffy sentiments about it being your baby and only you should decide, but ultimately you have to be able to support this child and give it a good life. I think you have a lot to think about and I wish you all the very best in whatever decision you make. 💐
Ilovechinese · 09/09/2020 18:54

Dont let anyone talk you into doing something you will regret! You already know you want this baby so keep it. It's your body, your baby and your life and you will have to live with the decisions you make

jessstan2 · 09/09/2020 18:56

@CatsArePeopleToo

Don't abort. You will regret it. Nobody who now want you to abort will be there for you. And your boyfriend is an arse.
You don't know that the op will regret it. Many people have abortions and are glad.

It is not a baby yet, it is an embryo; after eleven weeks, it will be a foetus.

mbosnz · 09/09/2020 18:56

@CatsArePeopleToo, hang on, she has nobody in her life that is supportive of her continuing the pregnancy - no-one that will step up to support her in real terms, in terms of a place to live, in terms of providing for her and her baby (and after all, you don't know what pregnancy experience you'll have, let alone birth, let alone what state you'll be in after, or what baby you'll have). And you say 'don't abort'?

She has no job. She's living in her overcrowded parents' home, who are pretty clear that there is no room at the inn. She has a small amount in savings, that you could run through in weeks. She's in the middle of a pandemic. Her boyfriend is very clear he's not ready and willing to step up. . .

I suggest that either path will potentially cause regret. However, one does have to be a little bit practical, especially when bringing a child into the world, entirely dependent on you, and you alone, to be provided for, to be looked after, to be raised, and nurtured.