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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 09/09/2020 12:26

I'm one of three and we were given shared gifts regularly as kids. We hated it but there's no lasting harm. I don't think you can insist on individual presents as pp have suggested. Gifts are up to the giver, and not an obligation on anyone's part.

Pelleas · 09/09/2020 12:30

For people who are more acquaintances than friends, this is probably the thing-they-remember-about-you-for-the-purposes-of-polite-conversation.

They may well be congratulating themselves on remembering that Bananacloud's two daughters are in fact, twins, and see it as personalising their 'how are your children?' comment by asking 'how are the twins?'.

OhMsBeliever · 09/09/2020 12:30

I have twins, and more children. All boys. I do refer to them all as "the boys" but I don't refer to the twins as the twins, I name them. And I don't like others calling them the twins. Now I'm wondering if I'm a hypocrite. I'm confused! 😂

I think it's because no one says about my others "How's the boy?" When talking about an individual child, but lumps two of them together as one and asks "How're the twins?" like they would have identical feelings etc.

Worst was when they received a birthday card addressed (inside the card) to "the twins" FFS!

I actually asked them and they don't like being called the twins. As they said, they have names.

Luckily most people have respected my decision (and theirs once they were old enough to have an opinion) and do treat them as individuals. I don't say anything to anyone who does call them the twins though. It's not a fight really worth having. I seethe quietly. Wink

As their mother I reserve the right to call them my twinny baby boys though. Grin (they are 16, still my babies)

I've probably explained it terribly!

CoRhona · 09/09/2020 12:33

Blimey. My non twin boys are often referred to as the boys, both teens, neither with an eating disorder.

ittakes2 · 09/09/2020 12:36

We used to call our twins ‘the twins’ but as they get older (they are teens now) the term is used less. In fact I am a little sad about it because being twins is special.

frogswimming · 09/09/2020 13:06

I think it's important you treat them individually and don't call them the twins. However, that is how the world will see them and I think you have to accept that.

I have twins and some other dc and tbh they're lucky if they don't get called the dogs name.

Polkasquare · 09/09/2020 13:07

@LolaSmiles

I don't understand the need for "eyerolling" and calling someone "precious "if you are asked not to call someone something that they don't like Because nobody gets to dictate people's language and compel their speech, especially by trying to turn on a guilt trip.

If I was talking to a pair of twins I'm not going to say 'right twins what do we want to have to drink' even though I would say "right kids" to my own, but I'm not going to be told that in all conversations I have to list family members individually in case me calling a set of twins 'twins' in their absence causes them to have eating disorders (how that possibly works is beyond me).

I'm not a fan of couples being called "The Surnames", but it would be eye rollingly precious to tell people never to call me and Mr Smiles that if they ever talk about us.

Sure, but do people assume that Mrs and Mr Smiles have the same characteristics, like the same things, have a "secret language ", can read eachother's thoughts? Do they ask you which one of you is the good one and which one is the naughty one? Do they ever get you confused? Do you get asked if you are a real couple or not? ( "are they real twins, or were they IVF")

Asking people not to constantly refer to twins as "the twins " is not "demonizing" the word...Confused

JenniferSantoro · 09/09/2020 13:10

@Bananacloud

Interesting! Glad I posted because so far you have proved that I’m actually being unreasonable.

😮

It sounds petty and precious to me, but to be fair I don’t have twins! Do you dress them the same?
Durgasarrow · 09/09/2020 13:14

first world problem

NoSleepInTheHeat · 09/09/2020 13:21

Well, I have twins and I still think you are BU.

LolaSmiles · 09/09/2020 13:27

Polkasquare

I've not mentioned demonising the word 'twins'. I think you've mixed me up with another poster.

I'm not sure why you're listing other things people do regarding twins as if that changes anything. I've already said that I think the issue is when people treat twins like a single person, make assumptions about likes and dislikes etc.

I don't believe in compelling people to do a perfectly reasonable thing (use a collective now for a set of children) equals treating them the same and I don't buy that saying 'oh saw Sarah and asked if the twins would like to come for dinner is going to cause eating disorders.

If saying twins is refusing to acknowledge individuals exist then why not say no referring to the girls/boys/kids. After all failing to list everyone by name is damaging. Maybe we'll stop people asking 'how're we all doing this morning' in conversation because that refuses to consider everyone as individuals.

Polkasquare · 09/09/2020 13:29

Sorry Lola, that was in response to someone else.

Trixie18 · 09/09/2020 13:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I have twin boys and I'm sick of everyone treating them like one person! I hate them being referred to as 'the twins' too.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 09/09/2020 13:33

First world problems right here.

Polkasquare · 09/09/2020 13:35

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

First world problems right here.
A lot of threads on MN are. Doesn't mean we can't discuss them. Perhaps this issue isn't relevant or important to you?
JanewaysBun · 09/09/2020 13:37

I wouldn't ask but I would model by calling thrm the "kids"
Different clothes etc to really air them individual and different play dates yanbu

Although if I had be in girls I'd dress them in matching pink frills all day Blush

MuchTooTired · 09/09/2020 13:41

@Minimumstandard you’ve made me laugh, thanks! My mum says I’m the most positive person she knows maybe I’m the annoying sort that only a mother could love? but don’t worry, I’m never able to get us out of the house before most people are on the eighth cup of coffee Grin

@peachgreen thanks for reminding me of the program name, I couldn’t remember it! I nicked it from there, but sadly I’m nothing like Topsy & Tim’s mum, she’s so chilled and lovely, I’m a gibbering wreck of a mother with a constant whirring risk assessment in my head who shouts no, and mutters ‘oh shit’ a lot Confused

1forAll74 · 09/09/2020 14:09

You can't really change what has always been the quite normal saying, when people refer to twins, People are not being direspectful, its just a quick term,even though they know the name of you children.

LolaSmiles · 09/09/2020 14:34

Polkasquare
No worries. I was a bit confused. Smile

Yeahnahmum · 09/09/2020 14:54

Yabu re eating disorders
Yabu little bit about THE TWINS because 2 boys would be refered to as THE BOYS etc for girls.

The best thing for a twin is to not dress them the same etc.

Heidi1976 · 09/09/2020 15:02

All twins I have known have been referred to as 'The Twins'. It's a sense of identity of being genetically identical to another. It's something the average - none twin individual does not have and is something to be celebrated not ignored.

Spidey66 · 09/09/2020 15:07

I'm one of four...2 boys, followed by 2 girls. We were referred to as the kids, the boys, the girls, or as individuals. It happens.

c24680 · 09/09/2020 15:11

I'm a twin and have been refereed to as 'the twins' most of my life, it's never bothered us, I don't think you can stop it happening in school etc either, just go with it they'll find their own identities when they're ready.

spanieleyes · 09/09/2020 15:31

My two are still" The Boys" and they are 28 and 26☺️

Original poster
Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 15:33

Very interesting to see everyone’s views on this.

To answer some of your questions;
They are 12 months old
I don’t dress them the same
They have a older sister 2.5 years

People do ask “how’s the twins?” and then go on to ask “how’s ?. To me, it feels kind of weird. But, I suppose to many it wouldn’t.
Thanks for everyone’s input.

OP posts: