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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:

Xenia · 09/09/2020 11:04

Hopefully your family will respect that. My sons (not identicals) were born in different London boroughs on the same day (one came quickly at home at 40 weeks and the other came in hospital and we got home the same day) So they asserted their differences from the start. We all call them the twins but even at age nearly 5 when asked by the school if they wanted to be in different classes they wanted that and they look and are very different although they get on better than normal siblings and just finished university.

As they have 3 siblings they never really felt like just the twins but part of that group of 5 so we never had any of the twin issues you sometimes read about.

If you don't want people to call them the twins just tell people and hopefully they will respect that. I always treated mine as separate people (although they did share a bedroom although not now that the older siblings have left home and we have more space) and it has never been an issue partly helped by most people who don't know them not believing they are even brothers as totally different looks, hair colour, eyes, the works.

katie2812 · 09/09/2020 11:05

If it helps, I'm an identical twin girl and I don't mind being called the twins I love it in fact because it means me and her can both be included in whatever together and we aren't left out.

My mom kept our individuality by dressing us differently and giving us completely different names but they will always be referred to as the twins

Bingobongo1 · 09/09/2020 11:08

I have twins and they hate it (I've always called them by their names or little ones even though they're 11 now). I never asked people not to call them 'the twins' however never used it myself.
When dt got older they were the ones that said 'please don't call me that' . It definitely comes better from the children themselves.

Serendipper · 09/09/2020 11:10

I think the context matters more, Like the twins are visiting this afternoon is fine as presumable they will both be arrive at the same time together.
However the twins love purple (maths, broccoli...) more of an issue as if they are one personality.

I’d be more worried about making sure they have chance to express their identity (separate Xmas gifts, different outfits, 1-1 time with parents/family)

tornadoalley · 09/09/2020 11:11

Don't be ridiculous. It's no different than calling same sex siblings the girls or the boys.

I have absolutely no doubt they call the twins by their individual names when referring to them individually. They don't say 'twin 1 do you want a drink?' Do they?

peachgreen · 09/09/2020 11:11

Just in case you're still reading OP, you're just trying to do the best for your kids and that's completely understandable. I think there's a gentle way to phrase it with your family and it's not like you're planning on going NC if anyone forgets! I really don't think you're being unreasonable.

Woeismethischristmas · 09/09/2020 11:12

I have twins, referred to as the girls most often mainly because I have 2 boys as well (not twins). I kind of get where you're coming from but tbh you've got no chance and you'll be known as that parent. Find otherwsys to support their individuality. All the kids in nursery and primary will know them as the twins even if you get friends/ family/ other parents to use thier names.

Kljnmw3459 · 09/09/2020 11:13

I'm a twin and we were always referred to as "the girls". I didn't mind because I saw my friends being "grouped" together in similar ways despite being singleton siblings. More damaging were the constant comparisons with my sister. Literally being asked to stand next to each other so everyone can stare at us and say out loud whose got bigger nose, smaller mouth, odd shaped eyes who's bigger, fatter, smaller etc....... DON'T LET ANYONE DO IT!!

altiara · 09/09/2020 11:16

YABU to tell people not to use collective nouns.
It is normal to use a way of grouping people to cover them in the most accurate way as possible, whether it’s - the ‘surname’s, the children, the girls, the twins, the toddlers etc.

It’s not unreasonable to want them to be treated as individuals, BUT you can’t be treated as individuals when you are using a collective noun. That’s the whole point of them surely, so you don’t list out the names!

For those that hated being called ‘twin’, is it because you were never treated as an individual?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 09/09/2020 11:20

I think it's right that you should encourage them to have individual identities but there are many other ways to do it, grouping them as twins is fine and wont take away from that.

Minimumstandard · 09/09/2020 11:22

I'm sorry if you mentioned it, but how old are they? I think you've got a point, but you may have trouble getting others to follow your lead.

At least "twins" is a fairly neutral term. My friend with 2 year old twins refers to hers as "the rugrats", "the terrible two", "devil's spawn", "double trouble" and, occasionally "horrid bratlets" at the moment (not in their hearing ). They're giving her quite a hard time right now with their behaviour and she has a newborn to cope with as well.

beelzeboob · 09/09/2020 11:23

As a twin I HATED being called “the twins”

At my dancing school it was such a lazy way to refer to us. Everyone else had names, we had “the twins”.
Non twins probably wouldn’t think this is a problem..,but it is.

MuchTooTired · 09/09/2020 11:24

I do have twins. It wouldn’t bother me if anyone called them the twins but most people just call them the kids in conversation. I call them my twintastic twinnies sometimes if they’re being particularly adorable, and sometimes tell them we’re winning at twinning if we’re moving quickly and easily through the day and we’re actually going to get out on time!

I hadn’t realised it could increase the chances of eating disorders and other issues, perhaps I should stop

movingonup20 · 09/09/2020 11:25

I call my DD's "the girls" but they know they are individuals too. I would not worry about it, far more important they have a good relationship with their family than little things like this. I would encourage close family etc to occasionally take them on separate trips etc far more useful

Starburst8 · 09/09/2020 11:27

As a twin myself i hated being referred to as the twinnies. So no yanbu. Your daughters are individuals, so should be treated as such. However saying that being referred to as the girls is much better imo. Many people refer to female siblings as the girls and it just feels more acceptable than the twins/twinnies.
Also being a twin isn't all that it's cracked up to be...being made to dress alike, share the same toy, birthdays not being as personal, getting presents to share, isn't all fun and games - Haha that's my personal view on it :)

TwiceAsNice22 · 09/09/2020 11:28

I have 5 year old ID twin girls and I get what you mean OP. I don’t think the word “twins” is bad or meant in a bad way, but it sets the kids apart from others in a way that “the girls” or “the boys” doesn’t. I don’t think non twins or non twin parents get how much attention and reactions twins get. Every time we go out a comment is made, and my girls are stared at. Going to tourist attractions (museums, zoo etc) means people try and take my daughters photos or follow us around. The last time we were at the aquarium I turned around for a moment and when I turned back a man was trying to get my daughters to pose for a photo! It’s constant. Most people mean well, but it gets grating. I think the worst part of being a twin must be everyone else’s reaction to it. I’m assuming that most singleton sisters and brothers don’t have strangers asking lots of questions or saying intrusive comments. I think the twin parents that are saying they don’t like the term is because they don’t want the focus on their kids to be that they are twins.

In saying that, I agree that you can’t control what others say and the best way to handle it is to redirect it by using their names. And if it bothers your children, encourage them to speak up. My girls did have some of their friends calling them “twin” or “hey twins” and it really bothered them, so they know say to their friends “my name is...” when this happens.

And to the poster who said that people say it because they don’t want to get the names wrong, I think it’s better to get the names wrong, than to not try. One of my daughters got very upset at 3 year kindy as she thought no one was her friend because they never called her by her name!

spikeymama · 09/09/2020 11:30

I forgot to mention earlier in my post....though I still find this amusing. My boy and girl are 15 months apart (not twins obvs) Both premature. There was a VERY clear difference....boy/girl clothes and size too. An old lady in Tesco said “ oooh are they twins?”

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2020 11:34

Correct people to say 'the kids' - problem solved. Expecting any kids to be named individually is just too much hassle and not at all natural.

Florencex · 09/09/2020 11:34

@Bananacloud

Hmm I think what someone said about majority of people on here not having twins so therefore probably won’t understand, is perhaps right.

But yeah, I won’t be asking anyone to not call them “the twins”.

The majority of people either have multiple children themselves, know others with multiple children and / or were themselves once a child with siblings. And “the twins” really is no different to “the boys”, “the girls” or the “kids”. Why do you think it is? That was a genuine question as I don’t understand.

defnotadomesticgoddess · 09/09/2020 11:35

I did this with our dds. Just asked grandparents and aunties/uncles really to not call them the twins. It’s really important for them to be able to function as individuals as they develop. Also made sure they had they were dressed differently, had their own birthday cakes/parties (their own friends parties). Encouraged them to be individual. They are great friends now they are in their twenties and don’t make life choices depending on where/what their twin is doing which is what I was aiming for.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 09/09/2020 11:37

I hated being called "the twins" especially as our older sister always got her name. "Susan and the twins". I'd have been ok if it were "the kids" meaning all three, but it wasn't.

60sPony · 09/09/2020 11:40

I would say with this one pick your battles... a good friend of mine has twin girls and I am guilty of asking how “the girls are?/ how are you girls?” - it’s not meant with any malice. I always give two cards/ two presents - nothing joint in that way. They are identical and on first sight I do find it hard to tell the difference between them so also find it easier to say the girls when I first see them, rather than risk the wrong name!

Minimumstandard · 09/09/2020 11:40

@MuchTooTired. I call them my twintastic twinnies sometimes if they’re being particularly adorable, and sometimes tell them we’re winning at twinning if we’re moving quickly and easily through the day

You sound unbearably perky (despite your username) but rather sweet. I'm not sure if I'd hit you with a fly-swatter or smile at you if you came too close early in the morning . Are your twins similarly confused?

peachgreen · 09/09/2020 11:42

I call them my twintastic twinnies sometimes if they’re being particularly adorable, and sometimes tell them we’re winning at twinning if we’re moving quickly and easily through the day and we’re actually going to get out on time!

Are you Topsy and Tim's mum?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/09/2020 11:43

I have twins (late teens) and this happened far more rarely than I was expecting to be honest, so don't worry too much about it.

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