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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:

Jonsnowsghost · 09/09/2020 09:32

Also a twin and I also hate being called "the twins"!

nestisflown · 09/09/2020 09:32

@Lumisade

I think you're being completely reasonable. It's good for twins to grow up being able to form their own identity rather than their twin status being referred to regularly, and compared and contrasted to each other all the time. Sure they're bound to be discussed as the twins at school and places outside the home, but friends and family ought to respect your decision to support their individuality.

But I don’t understand - if someone is talking about them collectively what difference will it make if they say the twins or say their individual names? Imagine having to say Rebecca and India all the time instead of the girls or the twins? It’s just not practical. You seem to be conflating comparing and contrasting siblings (which is damaging) with grammatically using group nouns in speech to refer to a grouping. It’s like saying the use of pronouns obscures individuality. It doesn’t - the treatment of people is what can have an impact.

seayork2020 · 09/09/2020 09:33

It is one of those things (like things for my non-twin son) that I would leave it to your twins to comment on when they are older.

If my son is not bothered by something said to him I am not bothered if he is it is up to say 'please don't call me that'

HermioneKipper · 09/09/2020 09:33

I have twin boys and never call them ‘the twins’ HATE it. Other people do but don’t think there’s much I can do to stop it. Very annoying though so totally see where you’re coming from.

I’ve noticed that people without twins never understand any of this sort of thing and don’t seem to want to

Frazzled13 · 09/09/2020 09:33

I have two sisters, and we’d be referred to as “the girls” by people talking to my parents rather than them saying, for example, “are DD1, DD2, and DD3 coming?” Is that different? Would you be happy for them to be called “the kids” rather than “the twins” or are you insisting on names?

nestisflown · 09/09/2020 09:34

@JaggySplinter

Hmm... If they refer to them by name, one will always come first (eg everyone will say Jenny and Jill, it will catch in, never be Jill and Jenny - poor Jill is always second). What would you do then.

My family has lots of collective names for groups of children (big ones, little ones, the twins, the girls, the cousins etc). That's just how life goes.

I agree that’s a good point. I’m a twin and my name was always said first when people didn’t use “the twins” to refer to us. And that always really upset my twin.

Grapesoda7 · 09/09/2020 09:34

I think it's no different to saying the kids, the boys, the girls, the lads from football etc.

If somebody asked me not to say twins I'd think it was a bit OTT.

I'm sure that the percentage of people with eating disorders caused by being called twins must be very small.

My best friends at school were twins, I'd always just call them by their names, but if I was going round to their house for example, I'd probably just say to my parents 'I'm going to see the twins' it's just quicker.

MrsRobinsonsHandPrints · 09/09/2020 09:34

The majority won't have twins who reply so of course they will think yabu as it doesn't affect them. Imo big difference between the girls and the twins, saying twins affirms their togetherness, girls is generic and can include other people.

hibbledibble · 09/09/2020 09:36

I wouldn't worry, it's a term for a group, as others have said. I refer to mine as girls. They don't seem to have suffered from this.

They are even called twins sometimes, despite not being twins. Doesn't bother me, or them.

user1493413286 · 09/09/2020 09:36

I think @TeenPlusTwenties makes a good point; I understand wanting them treated as individuals but they will just become the girls or kids instead

nestisflown · 09/09/2020 09:38

@MrsRobinsonsHandPrints

But I’m a twin and yes perhaps in a family where the only twins are also the only girls your suggestion may be practical. But the girls in our house referred to all my sisters while the twins referred to just me and my twin- entirely practical and didn’t annoy me at all. We also had group names to refer to the older siblings, and the younger siblings. Maybe it’s more a large family thing rather than whether or not someone has twins in the family.

Polkasquare · 09/09/2020 09:38

No you are not being unreasonable. I don't think being called "the twins" will give them an eating disorder. But it stops people from thinking of them as individuals. And people are less likely to learn who's who if they call them "the twins". People just seem to want/like the idea of twins being the same.

It's not the same as calling them "the kids" or "the boys".

Original poster

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:39

Hmm I think what someone said about majority of people on here not having twins so therefore probably won’t understand, is perhaps right.

But yeah, I won’t be asking anyone to not call them “the twins”.

OP posts:

greenteafiend · 09/09/2020 09:39

The thing is, a lot of people will know that referring to twins as "the twins" is "bad," and will carefully substitute "the girls" or "the boys" instead, but in their head their mindset is still that of "the twins."

So, they will assume that if one twin hates green peppers then the other one must hate green peppers as well---that kind of thing.

Not sure this is much of an improvement.

Emeraldshamrock · 09/09/2020 09:40

Don't dress them the same let them be individuals and they should be okay.
My neighbour has twin girls who are very different in personality they were dressed in identical outfits until they were 9 or so.

nokidshere · 09/09/2020 09:40

I call my two (not twins) the boys. Other people ask 'how are your boys' or say 'are the boys going to...'. After following his older brother to school the youngest was called his brothers name frequently. I think it's just normal really but as long as you make sure your twins aren't 'a package' they will be fine.

ancientgran · 09/09/2020 09:41

I had a neighbour who had two sets of twins. She'd get really annoyed if people referred to them as the twins. She always referred to them as the boys (the older ones) or the babies (the younger ones.) I couldn't see why lumping them together as the boys or the babies was any different to the twins.

Beautiful3 · 09/09/2020 09:42

We have girls and everyone calls them the girls. Think you're being a little bit precious, sorry.

BaronessBomburst · 09/09/2020 09:42

One twin on here has already said that she hates it, whereas the 100 year old indentical twins in the press last week call themselves 'The Twinnies'.
So surely it's up to them, and how they feel about it?

spikeymama · 09/09/2020 09:42

YANBU at all. My two are very close in age and when young and of similar size people assumed they were twins. They’re a boy and a girl. It was bloody annoying. Even if they were, we wouldn’t refer to them as that. Entirely different personalities. As for dressing them the same...don’t get me started. By the way I pressed YABU by mistake but rectified now....knock off the mistake vote

AriettyHomily · 09/09/2020 09:43

hardly anyone refers to mine as 'the twins', its usually 'the kids' or the girls'.

One very elderly aunt always sends one card to both of them with 'Happy birthday twinnies' or similar. That winds them right up. Thing is she must actually search really hard for them so I'm not about to pull her up on it.

Gumbo · 09/09/2020 09:44

DH is a twin and he has strong memories of a child of regularly hearing people round the neighbourhood saying the words "twins, go home!"

I don't think people are not seeing your DC as individuals, 'twins' is just easier than saying Mary-Jane and Arabella...

Jojoanna · 09/09/2020 09:44

My friend had triplets I always say how’s the girls ,, it’s what people say I guess

spiderlight · 09/09/2020 09:44

My friend did this, for exactly the same reasons. They're still known as 'the girls' now, 20 years on. Mind you, she was also adamant that she was not going to dress them the same, but they had other ideas - as soon as they were old enough to express an opinion they insisted on being dressed in exactly the same outfits every day for several years! It hasn't done them any harm. They branched out in terms of friendships and identity as they grew up and are now thriving at different universities but still best friends.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/09/2020 09:45

Been referred to as "the twins". Never minded in the least. No eating disorders and never any sense of not being treated as an individual. Actions are more important than words.

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