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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:
MJMG2015 · 09/09/2020 15:41

I'm glad you've decided not to ask people.

People get 'grouped' ALL the time

How are the boys/girls?
How are the kids?
How are your parents?

Do the boys/girls/kids want to....

As long as they're treat as individuals with different interests, tastes & friends - calling them twins really isn't going to damage them!

You also need to not get the hump when they get individual friends & invitations and not insist if one is invited the other has to go too

foxtiger · 10/09/2020 21:17

I haven't got twins but I think I would feel the same as you. It's a bit like calling a baby "the baby." They're individuals, they deserve to be called by their names just like anyone else.

MomToTwoBabas · 10/09/2020 21:54

Oh god your an idiot OP. One of those mums Confused

willowmelangell · 10/09/2020 22:01

Twin here. I hated being referred to as The Twins, joint presents, joint cards and identical clothes. I felt I was not worth the effort of being treated like an individual. I was treated as part of a unit. I am sure it made sibling rivalry worse as I then expected the exact treatment as my sister.

Padfootprongs · 10/09/2020 22:08

I do think twins being grouped is different to siblings being grouped. With siblings people know who is who, buy separate presents etc. Where as I’ve found with my twins people see them as one, joint gifts, don’t bother learning which is which. So not calling them ‘The Twins’ ‘the boys’ etc is probably quite important, as PP said. I do do it though and haven’t asked people not to.

SweetHummingbird · 10/09/2020 22:23

I have twin boys and think you're being s tiny bit unreasonable, only because it's creating a problem which doesn't exist. So long as they are treat as individuals it shouldn't really matter if they're referred to collectively, the same way someone might say how are the kids. But I do understand your thinking too.

SweetHummingbird · 10/09/2020 22:24

*a

perfumeistooexpensive · 10/09/2020 22:50

I asked my twin dgc about this post. They were horrified as they love being twins, being called twins and everything twin. The pointed out that OP's twins may love twindom as much as they do. They are fraternal b/g and devoted to one another. I expect in the morning to find them both asleep in the same bed despite having their own rooms.

Chloemol · 10/09/2020 23:11

I have two sisters, we have always been talked about as ‘the girls’ by family and friends what’s different about calling then the twins?

I would be petty minded and just start calling them the girls

Yabu

HermioneKipper · 11/09/2020 19:33

@MomToTwoBabas

Oh god your an idiot OP. One of those mums Confused
Haha! Op is an idiot 😂 It’s you’re not “your” and two “babas” 🙄

As I said before people without twins simply do not get it and haven’t listened to the pages of people saying that it is in fact an issue.

I think people will still do it whatever you ask them so on balance it probably not worth making an issue out of it. But I hate it too so completely get it. And there are countless studies saying that reinforcing the individuality of twins is important and constantly lumping them together is bad for their development.

And don’t get me started on the joint presents. My in laws have gifted a small amount of money to all the grandchildren. My twin boys had to share the gift when all the other grandchildren got the money each. Wtf?! They’re not one person! They just happened to be born on the same day!

aquashiv · 11/09/2020 19:38

I have two born on the same day😀...never call them twins. They hate it and as they say you wouldn't call one child the singleton.
Always their names.

Ilen · 11/09/2020 19:42

I've only skimmed the thread, but are people not aware that it's an entirely usual thing for parents of twins to ask? I've certainly had more than one parent of twins ask this in the past, and one of my close friends, now in his 50s, is an identical twin, and is eloquent on how difficult he and his brother found it to extricate themselves and develop an independent identity in their teens.

My eight year old has a pair of twins in his friendship group, and I never address them as 'twins' or call them 'the twins'. It's not as though it's a difficult thing to do.

Missingthesea · 11/09/2020 19:45

OP YADNBU! I remember one of my friend's twin sons telling me "What we really really hate is when people just call us "the boys". "

jessstan2 · 11/09/2020 20:35

@perfumeistooexpensive

I asked my twin dgc about this post. They were horrified as they love being twins, being called twins and everything twin. The pointed out that OP's twins may love twindom as much as they do. They are fraternal b/g and devoted to one another. I expect in the morning to find them both asleep in the same bed despite having their own rooms.
Erm...............
Dipi79 · 13/09/2020 00:22

As both a twin and a twin Mum, I think you're being a tad precious. I refer to my daughters as either the twins or the girls, as do other people, which is an hell of a lot easier than saying their lengthy names!

AlwaysLatte · 13/09/2020 00:43

I don't think it's 'precious' at all. I have two friends with twins and I purposefully have tried to never refer to them as 'the twins'. Likewise neither of those friends refer to my two non-twins as 'the kids' - they use their names, as do I (I don't say 'the boys' for instance). Isn't that what names are for?

toodlepipsqueaks · 13/09/2020 00:47

I guess it depends on what follows? If could be substituted for "the kids" - i.e. it's something where it does not obviously make sense to ask about them as individuals - then I'm not sure how concerned I would be? But if you think people are unhelpfully grouping them together then perhaps go ahead and ask people to avoid the term in that particular instance.

Bettyboop82 · 13/09/2020 01:10

I have 3 year old twins and also hate it when people call them ‘the twins’. I’ve never actually said anything as don’t want to come across as being precious but secretly burn inside whenever I hear it. I wasn’t them to be individuals. I also hate it when people shorten my kids names of their own accord. I realise that this will happen throughout life and there’s very little I can do about it however.

HollaHolla · 13/09/2020 04:55

Ummm.... how old are these twins?

@perfumeistooexpensive

I asked my twin dgc about this post. They were horrified as they love being twins, being called twins and everything twin. The pointed out that OP's twins may love twindom as much as they do. They are fraternal b/g and devoted to one another. I expect in the morning to find them both asleep in the same bed despite having their own rooms.

Niknaknuk · 13/09/2020 05:11

Hello!

I have not read all the other posts but I am a twin who was constantly referred to as “the twins” and I hated it.

I think it really contributed to the shared identity that we have now. We are constantly compared. I am the fat twin, the smart twin, the poor twin, the better educated twin, the less fashionable twin. Nothing about me is me - it is either less/more than my sister.

I 100% stand behind you stopping the use of “the twins”.

I wish my mum had. She did all the different presents, different clothes things and it wasn’t enough.

I feel so strongly about this I tried to create an account just to respond (turns out I already had one though -who knew?)

ColdCottage · 13/09/2020 05:17

I always try not to refer to any twins (adult or child) this way especially not in front of them and I don't have twins. I too have read it's not great for them.

If I were you I'd just mention the research to family and friends and explain how you are trying to avoid using this term and hopefully they will too.

DidoAtTheLido · 13/09/2020 07:47

There are posts here by people with twin siblings who agree with you, OP, and yet people who are not twins / do not have twins feel able to dismiss your thoughts completely.

This is your problem.

Set a lead, never treat them as a collective unit yourself, when people ask “what would the twins like for tea / Christmas/ birthday / breakfast’ give a reply for each one “ Jill would like toast, Bill likes marmite on his’ etc.

quitepeeved · 13/09/2020 08:25

@HermioneKipper

My in laws have gifted a small amount of money to all the grandchildren. My twin boys had to share the gift when all the other grandchildren got the money each. Wtf?! They’re not one person!

ShockSad this is horrible behavior! I would have to say something, it's not about the money at all, it's just deeply insulting to everyone involved.

OP YANBU.
Although having twins and other people's strange behavior around them goes hand in hand I've found. We don't see my parents that much, when we do they have to have the guessing game in front of the girls of course. "Let's have a look at you... oh I think this one is so-and -so... am i right? Yes I knew it!" Hmm
I let it go as at least they're showing they care about trying to get it right.
Their nursery leader was not so bothered and after attending for 3 years still insisted fearfully that we make sure they were dressed according to an agreed colour system so she could tell them apart. That hurt, she saw them just as much as we did as parents most weeks!

funtimefrank · 13/09/2020 08:34

I have twin girls and they get called the girls a lot but never the twins.

I didn't make a big deal of it but I never called them that and if someone did I'd reply along the lines of 'yes winky likes x and tinky likes y' (clearly they are not called winky and tinky but I wish they were....)

A lot of twins in my family though and none ever called the twins.

In fact the only ones who call them twins are themselves who sometimes scream dramatically for their twinnie when hurt or stuck with homework or a bit bored. Because they are a pair of drama llamas.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/09/2020 08:42

As I said before people without twins simply do not get it and haven’t listened to the pages of people saying that it is in fact an issue

I think it’s an issue as well. I have twins.
When they went into nursery the teacher spoke to them about being twins and they had no idea they were! It’s never been the Forefront of their existence. I think it’s rude to call them they twins’ it’s lazy. They have names.