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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

261 replies

Bananacloud · 09/09/2020 09:17

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/09/2020 10:44

If they refer to them by name, one will always come first (eg everyone will say Jenny and Jill, it will catch in, never be Jill and Jenny - poor Jill is always second). What would you do then.
This is a good point - I have a twin niece and nephew and when we (extended family) don’t say the twins we do say bob and jane. They are very individual and not in the least bothered.

Sillydoggy · 09/09/2020 10:44

I have twins and I hate it. I had to ask my in laws not to use it. The main reason is that they very much treat them as a unit rather than individuals - one present between them when other grandchildren got one each, for example. Calling them ‘ the twins’ is a symptom of that behaviour rather than a cause but addressing it with people reminds them that you have two individuals not one and that it matters.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 09/09/2020 10:45

IMO you can’t police the speech of other people to that extent without looking as if you are picking a fight. You can only control what you do. If people refer to the twins you can respond by saying “yes Jane and Sarah are XXXX’ and hope they will pick up that habit.

I have two girls who are always referred to by friends/family as ‘the girls’. A friend had a family of all boys who were generally referred to as ‘the boys’ even when they grew up. One of them has now completed a male to female transition and whilst I remember to use the correct pronouns when talking about her as an individual it’s proving much harder to stop using the term ‘the boys’ when referring to the family as a whole. I am trying to take the lead from my friend - Practice, practice, practice.

Itsokthanks · 09/09/2020 10:45

Yanbu
I always get asked, how's dc1 then how are the twins like they're one person.

RandomMess · 09/09/2020 10:45

How about asking other to refer to them as:

The girls
The boys
The kids/children

I have 3 Girls very close in age and for speed of course they got referred to as "the girls"

I understand more individual emphasis is needed for twins but people are lazy so giving them a shorthand may work better.

Obviously people that spend a lot of time with them you should say please use x and y as they are going to spend most of their childhood shoved together as "one".

lyralalala · 09/09/2020 10:46

People tend to follow your lead I've found. All of my family, DH's family and our friends will refer to "the girls" or "the bigger girls" if referring to my twins because i've always used "the girls".

Their father's friends all refer to them as "the twins" because he does.

How people treat them is far more important than that bit

Bubbaella · 09/09/2020 10:46

I have twins. Everyone calls them the twins. They are both individuals and have completely different personalities. I mean they’re only 5, but I’ve managed to prevent an eating disorder so far.

2bazookas · 09/09/2020 10:47

We have twins in our family. When they were tiny babies they were often referred to collectively as the twins but that faded off quite naturally as their differences and individuality became apparent. I think it was pretty much gone by about 3 and became "the children", or name and name. Nowadays if anyone mentions them being twins, it's themselves; because they regard it as their special power.

mcmooberry · 09/09/2020 10:48

I have twins and probably wouldn't like it, but people don't tend to do it, like so many people have said it's "the girls" which somehow is fine.

SendHelp30 · 09/09/2020 10:49

I call my 2 sons the boys. My sister also has 2 boys.
We tend to say, shall we take the boys to the park. Shall I pick the boys up from nursery.. so much easier than saying 4 names every single time. Doesn’t mean they aren’t individuals?
It’s like in school when a teacher will say- my class has PE. Just easier to use a collective word

isittimetogotobed · 09/09/2020 10:50

I have twins and I totally get you. Mine are 16 and hate being referred to as 'the twins'. It is a type of 'othering' that is different to calling them the girls/ boys..... it draws attention to and notices the 'twinness' that lots of twins, especially identical twins struggle with.
I think that if you are not a twin or don't have twins, it might not be something that you would consider an issue

fairydustandpixies · 09/09/2020 10:51

I have two sons and they are always 'the boys'. Everyone in the family call them that. I have a sister and we were called 'the girls' (and still are, even at almost 50!). My sister has boys and girls and I just call them 'the small people'. No problem! You're definitely over thinking it!

SVRT19674 · 09/09/2020 10:51

Aha, so if you have four kids you wouldn´t say I´m cooking the kids´lunch but ´I´m cooking dinner for Peter, John, Louise and Mary. Yeah right.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 09/09/2020 10:52

my sister and I were always "the girls" and my daughters are always "the girls". No twins involved

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/09/2020 10:54

I call my two the girls or the kids. I call my mum and dad my parents. I don't think its denying their individuality, it's just quicker to say

Beagledbybeagle · 09/09/2020 10:54

I have twins and they don't like being called the twins and I don't like it either. I haven't told anyone not to call them that but only a couple of people do. I don't know why but it makes me cringe. Girls is better.

LooseleafTea · 09/09/2020 10:55

I think you’re being thoughtful actually.

But then I’m quite sensitive to small things eg another subtlety I’ve noticed is a friend with twins always names a more dominant one first and I am quite conscious of it as tend to mix it up myself so there isn’t an ‘order’ when discussing them! Probably means nothing to the two involved but still Smile

xbambi · 09/09/2020 10:55

Twin mum to be here! I actually totally understand where you’re coming from... however, I think it’s so natural for people to refer to them as that as even I have started doing it when I said I wouldn’t 🙈 I’ve now found out they’re twin girls and have already started saying “the girls”.

I spoke to a twin mum who said she made sure hers went into different classes at school and that has helped them develop their individual personalities. However, I do know some adult twins who really like being similar, enjoy being in the same friendship group etc so I’m just going to try and be open minded and let them develop naturally in their own ways, whether that’s in being similar or miles apart from one another.

So in answer to your question, yes, you are probably being a little unreasonable BUT I get where you’re coming from! Smile

Prettybluepigeons · 09/09/2020 10:56

I have 2 sons who everyone calls " the boys"

NYMM · 09/09/2020 10:58

I've got twins and everyone always referred to them as 'the boys' and when I had my daughter, it was still 'the boys and my daughter's name' so if anything, they still didn't have their own identity. It hasn't affected them in any way. They're individuals and have always been regarded as such by family and friends alike.

nestisflown · 09/09/2020 11:00

I think the problem is when twins are treated as a grouping, the the use of the term “the twins” is a further reminder of that and annoying.

I personally was always treated as an individual- we never wore matching clothes, we didn’t play together all the time as I had similar interests to my older sibling so played with them more. When starting school my mum asked if we would like to be in the same class or different classes- I requested a different class. So the use of “the twins” never bothered me as I was always treated like an individual.

Interestingly, I hated being called “the girls”. Since my mum used it as a loaded term with the expectation of doing and liking typically girly things, whereas I was very much a tomboy. So to me I didn’t want to be grouped with “the girls” as it felt restrictive and I felt more group affinity with my older brother. I actually asked my mum once if I could be included in “the boys” - she said no understandably.

ragged · 09/09/2020 11:01

I'm not convinced that treating the word "twins" as bad but their names as good makes any sense. Their names will become a unit phrase anyway in appropriate contexts:

"JackandJohn"
"SalandSue"
"PersephoneandLuka"

As someone with many sets of twins in my family, plus I went to school with triplets, I find this (MN?) angst about individuality weird. Maybe just a British thing. Multiples always define their own identity anyway, ime.

NYMM · 09/09/2020 11:02

When mine were babies, what I really hated was when complete strangers stopped me to ask if they were twins...and then said things like "rather you than me"

WineTheBobbin · 09/09/2020 11:03

I have twin cousins. I really can't remember any one referring to them as 'the twins' or 'the boys'. They've always just been name & name. But thinking about it if anyone from outside the family ever asked 'how's the twins' we'll respond with name & name are.... etc. Their mum always referred to them as name & name and we followed what she did. Hopefully your family will do the same after all it doesn't take much more effort to say name & name!

sashh · 09/09/2020 11:04

Hmm... If they refer to them by name, one will always come first (eg everyone will say Jenny and Jill, it will catch in, never be Jill and Jenny - poor Jill is always second). What would you do then.

Even worse, Jenny or Jill.

I know someone who does that with twins. I don't see them often, I can't tell which is which when I first arrive but there are slight differences so I can tell them apart.