To ask family/friends to not refer to my twin girls as “the twins”

[Bananacloud]

To treat them as individuals. To call them by their names and to stop calling them “the twins”.

Obviously, as a mum, I did quite a lot of research and found that by treating them as “a pair” and not as individuals, they are more chances of them developing eating disorders etc. It’s shit cuz it feels like I’m being a little precious with everyone when I mention not using that word.
What does everyone think?

My friend with twins boys asked us not to call them the twins, so I don’t call them the twins. Simple. Didn’t feel awkward when she asked me.

@SerenDippitty

I think you are being a tiny bit precious. How is it different from referring to them as “the kids” or “the girls”?

I was going to say similar but without the precious.

If someone has multiple children people will refer to children as a whole group or broken down into sexes or other separate identifications like twins or the teens or the little ones generally unless they want to talk about one of them specifically in which case they are likely to use individual language.

That's not saying people don't know they are individuals but unless they actually want to only talk about one of them individually most people just naturally use grouping language.

Not just with kids or twins but most situations if there is a way to cut language by grouping most people without thinking do.
Instead of saying Tilly and tom next door it's number 43
Instead of saying I saw jake, Timmy and greg it's just I saw the Johnson boys yesterday.

Of course if I knew you personally and you made a request to not call them the twins I wouldn't because whatever my opinion or lack of is they are your kids.

I’m an identical twin. I hate being called the twins, twinny, sisname/myname & worse, having a cutesy matchy name with my sister.

Please don’t do it. Yes, it’s wonderful to have an identical sibling (and we both joke we are spare body parts for the other) but we spent our entire childhoods fighting to be seen as independent entities.

What’s worse, through some ham fisted attempt by my parents to assert some hierarchy, my sister (being a whole 8 minutes older) was always the one to whom shared presents must end up with, or be given first choice of everything, or even being the one for whom a whole course of driving lessons was presented at 17 (because she’s the eldest!) and I had sweet FA (one pot of money, after all). Of course, YMMV, but it’s left me with a pretty jaded view of my parents (ironically, as the younger, I’m the carer now they’re elderly, as that first born gets the lot still holds in their world view and I’m a distinct second.

I’m probably at the extreme end of the whole spectrum of crappy parental behaviour when it comes to twins, but parental friends & family did nothing to help the situation. Shared gifts, money, even bloody birthday cards. For goodness sake, treat twins as individuals from day one. You really don’t want to see my therapy bills for 40 years of this bull.

I would defend my twin sister to the death. It’s not her fault, but the actions of those around us that really knackered my self esteem.

I don't have twins but I totally get where you're coming from with wanting people to see them as individuals. I'm sure you're already doing what you can to foster their own identities, hobbies, friends etc. so other people's behaviour won't have as much of an impact on that. I think that making sure they have different hairstyles and don't dress the same etc can take away some of that stigma that twins can suffer when people can't tell them apart.

I do think people would just think you were being awkward if you asked them not to refer to them as the twins, but its worth making a point of not doing that yourself.

My DP has two girls (not twins) and always refers to them as "My girls" which I find odd, as I have boys and girls and just call them all the kids. I feel like highlighting that they're girls every time you talk about them makes their sex more of a thing than it needs to be. Similarly saying "the twins" is bound to highlight their sameness over and above their individual personalities.

My DCs have had several friends who are twins and I always thought it was interesting when we would invite one of them to play (the one that DD actually liked spending time with!) and their parent would be so thankful that we'd only invited one, not both of them as a pair.

I guess lots of parents thought it would be mean to only invite one, but to me it seemed strange that my DD couldn't just spend time with the one she liked without her DSis being there too! I'm sure if you make a point of promoting separate friend groups, allowing them their individual style etc they'll find their own way to deal with the twin thing with as little competition as possible!

I find that twins who try to look alike even as adults have that competitive thing going on a lot - Darcy and Stacey from 90 Day Fiancé and Michelle and Sharon from Married At First Sight Australia spring to mind! Maybe TV reality shows aren't the most likely place to find healthy sibling relationships anyway, but these sisters were both eaten up by rivalry and jealousy! In both cases even as adults, they had the same hairstyles, the same cosmetic procedures etc to try and remain as similar as possible.

There must be a constant push and pull to try and maintain that feeling that they're 'special' due to the twin thing, but also to try and find their own place.

I have twins so I hear you, but they also have a sister and I felt people were always asking about ‘the twins’ and she was a bit of an after thought so we have a family name which basically means “all three of you” and everybody now uses that so I’ve potentially really messed them up because the twins aren’t only one of a pair they are one of a three! But they are a bit older now and very much individuals, but I wanted to say I understand where you’re coming from, but have others have said you’re fighting a losing battle so I would focus on other ways to ensure they’re treated as individuals ie sometimes going to GP just one of them etc while you have precious time with the other. Good luck OP from one mum of twins to another - you’re doing a great job.

I grew up as one of three sisters. We were always called 'the girls'. I knew I was a separate entity from my sisters, as did my sisters. None of us have eating disorders or feel we're not individuals because we got called 'the girls'.

I have daughters it was quite normal for them to be referred to as "The girls" as a verbal short cut now it's more varied as I also have a son.

Their individual identities can be supported through separate gifts, giving them chance to have separate friends, letting them choose what to wear etc.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy that's awful! I can imagine how annoying it must be to get shared gifts, but to not get anything because the 'older' one got it instead is just cruel. I'd be telling them to shove their caring expectations up their arses tbh.

I think treating them as individuals is about much more than referring to them as the twins, it’s about different needs being met in different ways, recognising they are different little people and reacting as such.

Folks, inc parents, referring to them as the twins if the rest is done correctly is fine.

Probably repeating something from above, but I reckon that as long as YOU call them by their names/endearments, you’ll be fine. They can care/not care about what others say, but you get to impact on their individuality a hundred other ways before their even 5...

My sisters got referred to as ‘the twins’ and they loved it. They liked that they were separated from the rest of us who were just ‘the girls’. If anything it strengthened their bond. We were all close but they had that something special.

We always got called ‘the girls’ and we’re 20 months apart so good luck with that one @Bananacloud

They are twins and that is a part of their uniqueness. My MIL still refers to my husband and his sister as 'the twins' when talking about them both. I don't know any parent of twins who doesn't call them the twins.

It is not saying twins that stops them being individuals. My husband and his sister live in different places - one rural one large city, they followed different career paths, chose different lifestyles, have very different interests and friendship groups and are about as similar as chalk and cheese.

They are twins. People call them twins. I don't see any problem. I could understand if the children were not twins but close in age and looks, and people were calling them twins ( as my own two children often got called), but as your children are in fact twins, it looks to me as if you are joining the 'professionally offended' brigade.

@CentrifugalBumblePuppy wow your parents are a lesson in how not to raise twins- that’s awful. I think being referred to the twins was perhaps the straw that broke the camels back in your case rather than the root cause of issues. I’m sorry for your experiences.

And who are these people that get twins a shared present? Who would actually do that - is that not just the most cheapskate thoughtless gift?

I suspect it's less the term but more behavior that may be attached to it.

Growing up I had a much younger sister and family including parents it was always the girls - what have the girls been doing what do the girls think what do the girls want for christmas

I think the age differernce made it very annoying to me - but I think it also obscured our personalities to our family including to an extent our parents.

Oddly when I went to university and came back they saw younger DSis as an individual but I seemed to still be part of the girls who seem to be percieved at a younger age than I was. Led to odd situations where I had much stricter rules and constraints than a younger child despite never having been wild or rebellious. I still don't think they have much of a clue who I am.

I read a biography of Jane Austin and it was saying that family did similar - it was rare they perceived differences between them.

I think as long as you make it clear they are individuals with their own likes and dislikes or they do - I think the pitfalls of the joint term can be avoided.

Bananacloud I'm a twin (non-identical twin sister) and my mum always made a big thing out of NOT calling us 'the twins'.

Unfortunately, she insisted on us wearing the same clothes until we were old enough to buy our own, made us carry all sorts of emotional baggage related to her family due to who we 'looked like' and generally had no sight of our uniqueness as human beings at all.

I did develop a very serious eating disorder, interestingly enough.

Your children will be individuals who are twins. You can refrain from calling them 'the twins' but others will. And in all honestly, unless it's accompanied by some major emotional fucked-uppery, it will do them no harm.

It won't be many years until they're able to say whether they like it or not either.

As a twin, and being called 'the twins' for our entire life (still now by some family and I am nearly 50!) I can't say it has done me any great harm. Possibly has made us more determined to be our own individuals with our own tastes, but really other than that it is just mildly annoying. It only becomes an issue if you make it an issue.

YANBU to ask people not to refer to them as "the twins", but be aware that people will find another collective name for them "the kids", "the girls" - that's just what people do when someone has more than one child. If you specifically don't want them referred to as "the twins" then talk it through with people and suggest what they can say because people will not, even with the best of intentions, always use their names.

I wanted to make clear as I didn't in my last post I'm absolutely not saying that they shouldn't be treated as individuals because they are, all people are. They deserve their own belongings, clothing, celebrations and treatment etc

my last post was talking about the use of grouping language that naturally happens when referring to more than one.

I have boys (not twins) I call them ‘the boys’, my sister has girls (not twins) she calls them ‘the girls’, my brother has one boy and one girl (not twins) he calls them ‘the kids’.

This isn’t specific to being a twin, everyone does it when referring to more than one child in a family group.

I think you not being precious or U. I hate when people call their children Boys, girls, twins! if you have one of each you would call them by their name, not the boy or the girl so what's the difference! they have a name call them by it. I bet you don't get called the parents! and I have 2 boys and 1 girl and don't refer to them as the boys and the girl!

I bet you don't get called the parents!

Kids called their parents and referred to other kids’ parents as “the rents” when I was growing up.

I always refereed to my twins by their names and gave them short names just for this reason. Then people follow your lead and they feel more like individuals. Mine are boy/ girl