Kids’ parties - who pays?

[Crummyfunnymummy]

My DP is organising his DD’s party (aged 9) and she wants to invite 8 other girls from her class to an activity. He has just emailed the parents inviting their DDs along and giving them details of the activity and a couple of dates to choose from and letting them know it’s £22.50 each. I saw the email (after it was sent) and said “you’re not asking parents to pay, are you?!” And he said yes he was. Was that not OK? Otherwise it’ll cost him £200 or thereabouts, plus food! I said yes, this is what a party costs! I’ve paid double that before when we were doing whole class parties (thankfully no more!). He’s not at all mean, I just think he doesn’t have much experience of organising his DD’s birthday parties before now. So my question is more IHBU (Is He Being Unreasonable)?
Yes - you can’t expect parents to pay for their child’s activity
No - it’s fine to ask parents to pay

Nooo you don't ask them to pay, ever. Poor kid will never get a return invite (which is in a way repayment, if you think about it). Different if you decide to get them together in the hols for a pre-agreed activity but not for a birthday party!

I think this is a man thing. After the main lockdown finished but tings were still cautious, DD's bestie invited her to come with her to an specific place as a one-on-one birthday party as clearly a proper party was not an option. I was taking DD. Beforehand, somehow the conversation came round to food and DH was gobsmacked and very uncomfortable that DD's friend's mum had very specifically said she'd pay for DD (I thought that was a nice touch in the circumstances, to confirm) because he felt WE should be paying for DD's food. I pointed out that we wouldn't have paid if it was a proper party so why should I feel guilty that she offered to pay for the party?

I honestly just think he thinks that you should pay your own way.

Oh dear! I’m cringing for him - has he retracted the email?

Post primary school I have found it does change. It becomes sleepovers with pizza or meals out where everyone pays for themselves. No formal invites and I think that is key.

How on earth can someone get to adulthood and father of a 9 year old child without knowing that the host pays for any kind of party?

Sorry I think he needs to front this;

'apologies for asking you to pay, I've not organised one of these before and of course I shouldn't expect you to pay!. please still come' 😬

Ha Ha sounds like he used to let his partner do the party organising for his dd. Does he know he will have to chase some if they do not respond?

I see you're taking this really well op, but this is verging on deal breaker territory for me. It suggests so many things about him, and none of them are positive.

God, how embarrassing! I suspect every RSPV has been "jog on, mate."

Oh my God. 🙈

He has to say he was hacked. Squirm

Is now refusing to send clarification! Me thinks perhaps Mumsnet poll has backfired and made him go the other way and dig heels in! Oh dear.....

Agree with PP. Cringey and also completely bonkers not to choose his own date!

Something like:

Hi all. Wanted to clarify that I will of course be paying for the children we’ve invited. We have settled on X date at Y time so please let me know if your daughter can attend.

I also suggested a Doodle poll if he was going to insist on asking for date preferences. He said absolutely not. Has asked for first and second choice and will handle it from there. It does not bode well!

Oh god this is cringe! He needs to send follow up email stating he is not asking for payment!

No I would not expect to pay to attend a party and when I know it’s an expensive activity I make sure I either commit ASAP or decline ASAP so that the host can confirm their numbers.

This isn't funny. This is his daughter and her friends won't come to her party because her dad is a thoughtless stubborn plonker

@Crummyfunnymummy

Is now refusing to send clarification! Me thinks perhaps Mumsnet poll has backfired and made him go the other way and dig heels in! Oh dear.....

You showed your DP a whole thread where folk (and you) are laughing at him and your wondering why it hasn't gone down well?

He already felt pretty stupid and now he know the world knows. How lovely you are.

I'd be fucking mortified if I had made a genuine error in judgement and my DH told everyone so that they laughed at me.

You should have just let him get on with it.

@Crummyfunnymummy

Is now refusing to send clarification! Me thinks perhaps Mumsnet poll has backfired and made him go the other way and dig heels in! Oh dear.....

Well in that case, he won’t get any one attending the party

Simple

Shit sorry, I voted wrong! I didn’t read it properly.

Anyway you are right he is wrong, you can’t invite people to a party you’re hosting and ask them to pay?....

I am also cringe.

He needs to find something cheaper if he can't afford it.
Gosh you can tell his ex did all the work, lol. Is he really this useless.

They won’t attend AND are unlikely to invite her back.

I know you’re laughing @Crummyfunnymummy but it’s actually sad that he’s embarrassing his dd like this.

Oh dear that poor child. I wonder if you’d find this so funny if it was your child who’s birthday was being ruined by this idiot.

They will invite her back- they’ll see that this was dad’s doing and no reflection on mum or DD

Tbh she might get more pity invites as a result after this gets round class...

Ok, I think I’m gonna bow out now. Started this to see if I had a proper understanding of party etiquette as a sense check really. But some people seem to want to get quite personal and nasty, either about me or about my DP. Seems to often be the way on AIBU so I’ll thank those of you who responded and will leave the others to the inevitable character assassinations.

I ticked the wrong box. You invite them, you pay.