To ask what mainstream parents really think about the kids with special needs.

[Willbob]

I have a child with SEN. He has complex needs; statement at three transferred to ehcp. We had to fight for a mainstream setting. He has full time 1:1. My older childer is very bright and now goes to a selective grammar school for secondary education. I had the "normal" school parent experience with him.

Other parents at school are mainly pleasant, some more so than others like any parent really but completely different to my my experience with my older child. I do wonder though for those who don't understand or know the sen world what you really think about the kids in your child school like my son? I imagine some like it and see the value of having them there, where as some see them as a drain on funding or a distraction. Just curious really. Though this maybe a good place to ask as anonymous.

I remember the one and only time I had a thought about this.

It was when I was looking around the school before my son joined reception. There was a big cardboard box in the corner of the room with a “door” cut into the side.

I asked if it was to do with the children’s current topic (construction) but the head said no, it’s a place for one particular child with sensory issues to retreat to when he feels overwhelmed. He shrugged and said, “I don’t know what ofsted would say but it works for him.”

I thought that was a great attitude for the head.

It’s a tiny school but I don’t know which children have SEN.

I imagine some like it and see the value of having them there This is the politically correct answer.
Realistically when your DC is in a class with 29 other children, any child that takes more than his share of the teacher's attention is taking away from yours IYSWIM.

Before I get flamed, my DS is being assessed for autism, he has lots of attention from the teacher, special activities, etc. All good. But his twin sister is in the same class as well and she doesn't get all of this - similar to what is happening at home you could say - is it fair on her and the others in the class? Not really.

I quite often am not even aware of children that have SEN unless their parents happen to tell me.
The only child with SEN that I noticed in more than " another child in my DC's school" sort of way was the boy with ADHD who used to punch my DS on a regular basis. Which, whilst I was sympathetic at one level, did feel that he was not dealt with strongly enough.

So short answer - I only notice children with SEN when they directly impact on my own DC.

@AskingforaBaskin

I honestly don't have any views. I drop my kids to school. I leave. I pick them up. I leave.

I speak to the teacher about my kids. I leave.

I don't have any opinions or views outside of what my child is doing or what I need to do for them.

This is my experience too.

@Willbob I understand what you mean. I will hold my hands up and admit that I have wondered about why a parent chooses mainstream when, to my uneducated mind, special needs schools exist specifically for children so they don’t face difficulties in mainstream schools.

But I’ve genuinely never thought it in a negative way, ie: why can’t that child fuck off and stop disrupting my precious baby’s education!

Though where I am the dearth of access to schools like that is criminal so I imagine I’m being very naive.

I have a year 8 son with SEN. At the start of primary parents were inclusive, then they became tolerant. By the end of primary they were excluding DS and the general feeling was they didn’t want him to be friends with their children at secondary school. Thankfully DS has found friends who like him for who he is.

I don't think about it. Other children's SEN is none of my business. I'm out at work and don't do a school run. Unless the child with SEN was a friend of my child I wouldn't even be aware of it, and possibly not even then.

Boobs I hear you. After 2 neuro-typical, high-achieving DC, having DC3 with ASN has changed my perception hugely. I think most parents, if being honest, don't particularly like it. They generally don't strive to understand or include an ASN child. It's up to the school to make sure that child's needs are met educationally, emotionally and socially, however, with 10+ years of austerity that just isn't possible these days. I'm in awe of people saying their child has 1:1, I'm in Scotland and that does not happen.

Honestly, I believe every child with ASN should be offered a place at a specialist school to meet their needs- it's far better. Unfortunately, there are fewer and fewer specialist schools. I, for one, would prefer my DC to have specialist education as I feel he gets a raw deal at mainstream, but there's no provision unless the ASN are significant/severe.

I am only aware that some of the children in my childrens' classes have SEN because they sometimes say things like "x has a person who helps them all the time" or "y gets special work". It has never occurred to me that the presence of x or y will impact my child's education beyond the presence of any of the other 29 children, which make the whole business of going to school different from having a private tutor.

One of the things I am really proud of (of her, not of me - and it made me cry a bit) was at a parents' evening for one of my daughters when her teachers said that not only just she grasp things quickly, but she is very good at helping others who haven't got there yet. My heart was overflowing with joy at this snapshot of school life, so different from my own, because 1 - selfishly, the teachers recognised and encouraged her quickness and are clearly skilled at engaging all abilities in the class; 2- her quickness has earned her affectionate respect from her peers, who are willing to listen to her and like to work collaboratively rather than feeling alienated from her; 3 - she is able to empathise with others who haven't got there and put the concepts into language that will help them; 4 - she is emotionally willing and eager to do so. All of these things made me feel really genuinely flooded with happiness at how working in a class of 30 really different children can be a happy, constructive and engaging experience.

that's a shockingly boastful post that I would never post if I thought I could be identified but I want to share it because I want to say: I love my kids' school and I love that kids of all abilities, including some with SEN, go there.

I don’t know which children have SEN in my children’s school.

They could be one in every class for all I know.

As long as everyone is safe, supported and happy, it literally doesn’t affect me or my children

My son has sn and did 3 years in ms ... he is a good boy with no behavioural issues and I've worked very hard with him to teach him the rules of school life .. everyone loves him, he didn't disrupt the class at all( I would have never sent him to ms if he was disruptive) .. we only experienced pure love from parents and other children .. it was a lovely school though.

SEN covers a great range of conditions and issues. On one level I have the utmost respect for parents of SEN children, I admire them enormously.

However when it comes to the crunch, I prefer my own neurotypical non SEN children to be in a class without SEN children. DS has two SEN children in his class and they take up a huge amount of the teacher's time. DS is reserved and therefore gets less attention and misses out in my opinion. Life would just be easier without them in his class.

I think most parents of NT/able bodied children like the idea of inclusive education in theory, but the minute their child is placed at even the slightest perceived disadvantage/inconvenience by the presence of disabled children, they are up in arms and think mainstream just isn't right for disabled children after all and why can't they just go to a special school yada yada

@BoobsOnTheMoon makes a very good point

My DS has a couple of children in his class with ASN. I think this is a good thing, to promote tolerance, understanding and inclusion. Also, he can see that, despite their challenges, those children do have other strengths. I've certainly never heard anybody begrudge the additional support that those pupils receive

I did hear of a class in another school, where no one was able to study music because the music room was upstairs and one pupil couldn't manage stairs. It seemed a shame for the remaining 29 children to miss out on music. On the other hand, it probably brought it home to them how much that child missed out on daily life? I'd like to think that one of those 29 children might train as an architect and ensure that future schools are suitable for all pupils

I agree that SEN covers lots of different disabilities

I technically had SEN but was in a mainstream school. (I’m deaf)

I had an aide during primary school who helped me stay on track and during secondary school I had a special device which allowed me to essentially have a microphone on the teacher directly to my hearing aid.

Never affected anyone else in class

I am very much pro-equal opportunities for education and in society in general. I have a job which encourages this.

However, as a parent, my child comes home from school most days (14) frustrated about another child in their year who has autism (not sure if there is any other diagnosis as well) who is disruptive, violent and who they feel the rules don't apply to. My child has tried speaking to a member of staff about it but doesn't feel that anything they or anyone else says about this other child's behaviour will change things.

So I can see things from both sides. All children should be given the same opportunities to learn as each other, but that shouldn't be one child and their more complex needs at the detriment to other children.

I don't have any issues with parents of SEN children as they, like most parents are just trying to get the best for their child. I'm not sure what the solution is but children with SEN being at mainstream school where they clearly struggle with the rules and expectations of mainstream school and then disrupt others isn't ok.

My honest view - I am extremely happy for my children to be mixing with everyone, and having friendships with children with different educational needs/cultures etc. I want to have well rounded young people at the end of childhood that care and accept people for who they are, so I like the option of not spending their time with cardboard cut outs of themselves personally and have always encouraged it.

I admire the parents of children with very high needs and often wonder how they cope. I have family members in similar positions, and I know how hard it can be.

I would not be so happy if the child was highly disruptive, probably that is where I would draw the line, as it is important that every child has access to high quality learning.

That is my view. Not sure it is what you are looking for. I think you will work out the decent parents that are very supportive, and those that are not and so will your child. I wish you the best

Not coming at this from a parent's POV but when I was in secondary school I had a boy with ASD in my class. He didn't have a 1:1 but he was very disruptive. Inappropriate comments, wandering round in class, shouting out. It took a lot of the teacher's time and as a teenager I remember feeling quite resentful that this was the case.
As an adult and a parent, I'd be honest and say I'd have zero opinion until the situation started to affect my own child.

I think all children are different, SEN or not, so it’s not possible to give such a general answer. There are though constantly an issue in two circumstances 1) When parents with children with severe issues have unrealistic expectations and want their child to have identical experiences to non SEN kids. I was a volunteer leader on one holiday camp and no matter what we did this poor girl with severe SEN just cried and for over an hour. But when the camp manager asked her mother to collect her as she was so distressed and no one could calm her, her mother was livid with rage that her daughter could not continue to have the ‘normal’ camp experience with the other kids and 2) when the teachers can’t or won’t give a SEN kid extra help and assign other children to the job. My daughter aged 8 spent her first weekend away guide experience been given the responsibility of the happiness of the same girl with severe SEN that the camp leaders did not have time to help.

Think it's great that SEN kids are included in a mainstream classroom if it's possible and works for the child. I feel sorry for the parents having to struggle to get funding for appropriate care. I admire teachers who think outside the box and encourage ways of learning that will appeal not only to the mainstream students but also to dyslexic students etc. Great all round for the school to be including and diverse. But my sympathy runs short when behaviour is repeatedly aggressive and I have complained to the school before when my DC was frequently getting hurt at school, I didn't allow it to be excused away by 'oh but he has SEN'.

Spot on @BoobsOnTheMoon

My son is in mainstream primary but has a full time 1:1 (as does another child in his class). His teacher sent a note out last week to all the parents as apparently a couple of parents had been laughing in the playground at pick up/drop off about some of the kids being kept back a year (it’s a 1.5 form entry school so after reception each year is split into one whole class of that year plus one mixed class of that year and another year). It just so happens that some of the kids who stayed in the class this year have SEN and apparently they think that’s funny.

Not really sure what other parents think of my son, I’m only really friendly with another mum at school who’s child also has SEN as we can celebrate the little things that the other parents experienced a few years ago. We also support each other on the days when it’s all gone wrong.

Only an issue when the child is hugely disrupting my child’s education e.g. kicking, hitting children & adults, throwing chairs, frequently smearing poo around the room/on others, so everyone has to be evacuated (All happened in my child’s class)

My ds had a classmate with a full-time 1:1 helper.

It was generally a positive thing. It taught DS that some kids are different, more clever, less clever, better or worse at sport, more or less maths or tech orientated, kinder or quieter, that games can be adapted to suit, and that is ok.

The same as most other posters - usually no particular opinion positive or negative (except possibly sympathy for the parents having extra obstacles to deal with in their lives, depending on situation), the line that would tip it over into a negative feeling is if my child gets regularly disrupted education or violence because of yours. That is the same for any classmate with or without SEN, to be honest - I’d say I have fairly neutral/mildly positive feelings for anyone in the class who isn’t a friend of my DC (positive feelings) or harmful to them (negative feelings). I’d see having a 1:1 to support an individual child as a good thing because it suggests that the school is doing its job at making sure everyone’s basic educational needs are met, I wouldn’t begrudge the funding as that is what the school is for.

Fine if they aren’t violent or aggressive, not so when they are hitting children. Don’t think the children like an extra adult in the classroom, another adult pair of eyes on them, following them round, makes some feel uneasy. Was this way for both my children. However I totally understand if a non violent child with SEN is in the classroom and that is good. Does anyone know how much it is to employ a full time assistant for these children? Particularly as there are a few very clever kids in my youngest child’s class who are so bored being made to go over place value for the hundredth time. Maybe some time should be given to them for a change?

@BoobsOnTheMoon

Judging from the screenshots I've seen of parents bitching about my autistic child in a secret class FB group I wasn't part of - not much.

I think most parents of NT/able bodied children like the idea of inclusive education in theory, but the minute their child is placed at even the slightest perceived disadvantage/inconvenience by the presence of disabled children, they are up in arms and think mainstream just isn't right for disabled children after all and why can't they just go to a special school yada yada. Or they complain because their precious poppets don't get as much 1-1 attention as the autistic child who gets a 1-1 TA.

I'm kind of bitter about it tbh. Probably not the best person to answer you!

I am so sorry you have had such an awful experience, but please don't tar all parents of NT kids with the same brush.

My daughter went to primary school abroad in a very small country school that had little to no provision to help with kids that weren't mainstream. So a few of the children, like my daughter, who is a lovely kind child who loves everyone (nothing like me ), were often paired up with the less-abled. In her class there were all levels of ability, for example, my daughter worked mostly with two children, one who had brain damage and had quite severe learning difficulties and one had severe behavioural issues (attacking other kids, throwing chairs, walking out of class). I genuinely thought it was great. It was very inclusive for all the kids. Being helped by their friends rather than the teacher (not for everything obviously) seemed to work well and my daughter loved being able to help her friends (I think she may well go into SEN teaching when she is older).

But just to say, the proof is in the pudding so's to speak - in my daughter's leaving card, the boy with the behavioural issues wrote that he was so sad to see her leave as she had always been so helpful and kind to him. She just shrugged, he was her friend, why wouldn't she help him..? I BAWLED my eyes out that that angry young boy had been touched by my daughter helping him and being his friend!

notanothertakeaway - the children didnt miss out on music because the room was upstairs. They missed out as no-one made the capital investment in a lift, stair-lift or could be arsed to locate the music room downstairs.