AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

[doctormumoftwo]

I am thinking of leaving my job and I desperately need advice from other people who may have been in my position. I have two children who are 2 and 6. I work as a junior doctor/surgeon and am halfway through my training/exams. My DH is a full time a doctor. I love my job but it is very stressful. We could get by on DH salary alone but it would mean a big change in lifestyle (no holidays etc). I acknowledge I am very lucky to be in this position. I have been part time since I started but I am falling behind on my surgery and I have realised I can't continue part time as I need more surgical experience to gain competency. I also have final exams to take which means many hours of revision. I will be working flat out for the next 5 years minimum (nights, weekends, exams etc). Due to COVID our parents can not longer help regularly. It will be less stressful (but still demanding) as a consultant. DH cannot go part time to help. Despite the long hours we work, we can't afford private school, we live in a small flat with no garden. We will have to put the kids in school/nursery from 0745 - 6pm 5 days a week, or have a nanny for >50hrs for us to both work. My child's school is not great, there is not much community outside the school. My heart breaks for them, especially the 2 year old. I feel like I am sacrificing their childhood for my career. I have worked so hard to get where I am, invested money, time and incredible effort, but it feels like the demands of my job are just not compatible with being a decent mother. I don't know what to do. Our part time nanny recently quit handed in her notice. My child's reading is falling behind and they always ask me to play but I don't have the time to give them. I am thinking of giving up work and being a mum. I feel so guilty to continue leaving them for so many hours. I don't think a part time solution is going to work any longer because of the surgery, as I am falling behind and I spend many of my unpaid days off at work 'catching up'. I enjoy my job but I am incredibly stressed and sad about the toll it is taking on us all- that I know will not end for many more years. What should I do?

@doctormumoftwo
What a brilliant update. I'm so glad that you are feeling happier. It sounds like there has been a huge improvement.
The exams are so brutal, even if you aren't actively revising they are always in your mind. I can't imagine how happy you were when you passed your last one.

One important thing! After going back to work (part-time) and passing the exams, I took a year out of training. The exams were so draining and time consuming I needed to stop and give time to the kids and recharge. It was the best decision I ever made. I think if you are feeling burned out as a medic, with young children I would highly recommend an OOP-C. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It doesn't matter if it takes you 15 years to CCT. Just drop training/work for a year, be the mum you desperately want to be, (but locum when it suits you) and you will be re-charged to face the next step. If you are reading this thread and want to discuss your circumstances- do reach out, you are not alone!

@doctormumoftwo , really great to read your update.
I have often thought of you. I commented on your thread but i think under a different username.
Fellow NHS doctor here. I was a trainee too when I read your message. Even though I was married, I got no support from H at the time.

DA worsened into DV, marriage ended, food bank, SS, court and police came into DC & I's lives. It was a hellish time.
I also almost gave up training - multiple times. But each time I was encouraged to not quit.

I also took time out and eventually went flexi-training.

I am now a consultant -part time- due to childcare needs.
But things are better. I am glad i did not quit especially as I am all that DC have.

Junior Doctor Training is very hard. But it is a fulfilling career. It feels good to be able to contribute to society and to be of help.

Really lovely to read your update. Good luck with the remaining years.

@doctormumoftwo Thank you so much for posting this update. It was me who posted, but I worried I’d opened a can of worms and asked for my message to be deleted!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this thread over the past year or so - often also at 4am when consumed by guilt and indecision! I relate so strongly to your original post. I’m a hospital doctor, though not a surgeon, married to another doctor. My children are younger than yours were even in the original post. I’m really struggling to see how we will ever make it work without one of us (me) calling it quits.

Reading your positive update has made me well up. I’m so thrilled that you and your husband have made things work. I hope we can do the same - though still feel like it will be impossible.

I am so glad you re-posted. I know it does, I know. I really feel for you. When people in this thread kept saying to me, "it gets easier"...I didn't believe it, I couldn't imagine it - when you are in the thick of it, it can't seem possible. But I PROMISE you it does. There comes a time when the kids beg to be in school clubs, on playdates etc and want more time with their friends than with you (about 6+) and the guilt totally evaporates. Life is so much lighter. When your partner is a consultant they can call the shots and are not having to be in on the dot of 8am, can work slightly more flexibly as no one is breathing down their necks. You sleep through every night (a lot to be said for this re mental health!). You can leave the house with only keys, phone and wallet (and the 2 kids! No prams, nappies, bottles).. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I am so glad I didn't give up medicine as although its a total nightmare in the NHS, and we don't get paid enough, I truly love my work. It is life-changing. I love my colleagues too, we are at the coal face but it is an honour to provide care for people at their most vulnerable. I realise its a cliche, but on my deathbed I will be so glad I did this. My kids are just fine. They are being taught the importance of hard work, dedication and working together as a family to get through tough times. It is 100% worth working through. Sending strength and positivity x

@Shuttersky , if medicine is really what you want to do, don't give up.
It took me 16yrs to CCT (OOPC included). Paediatrician not surgery.
It does get better. It really does. Training is like a huge elephant, my advice is :-

1. Don't give up
2. One day at a time... eat the elephant one bite at a time
3. Do not compare your journey to others
4. Be kind to yourself (flexi-training, OOPC breaks)
5. Remember, this time too will pass.

Also remember, you are not alone. There are others out there in similar positions. Try and attend the well-being study days if your college holds any or if your trust holds any. Attend conferences/other study days (if you can. I found it very difficult) but you will meet people and you will be encouraged/get tips and ideas that could be helpful.

This is very sage advice. @Shuttersky
-Be part-time, I fluctuate between 60-80%.
-Take as many OOPs as you need
-"Run your own race" is the phrase I use - I never compare myself to other trainees, esp those without kids, its not the same, you need to work on x 2 of the time, its so demoralising if you do.
-Do not check work emails out of working hours. Mute work whatsapp. I really mean this- I felt this stuff was the most invasive when it came to being a good mum. I was constantly dragged back into work shit out of hours while with the kids. I am now strict with it and the quality of my time off is better, it allows me to feel like I have given my kids my attention and stops me from feeling burned out.
-Say no to everything that is not mandatory. Do not do the extra audit the Prof says you should do or the talk for the medical students the next week (with no RSTAs to prepare it), politely say no (they wont care in the long run). The time will come when you can (and will want to) do all of that but its not right now when you have little kids.
-I didn't feel like my husband could take any of the brunt of childcare but now he can and does, so although he can't just now doesn't mean he will never be able to.
-Find a crew of other mums in your speciality. I did my exams with one and I love her to bits, she's the absolute best. Having a crew that understands is what keeps you afloat.

Well done OP - what a brilliant update! The profession will be stronger for having kind, compassionate people like you who have grappled with these tough feelings. I am SO GLAD you stuck with it. I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you

Really powerful to hear from someone who was so despairing at one point but found a way through. Cheers to you!

Such a great update Op, thank you for posting . I’m sure it will encourage other mums in your situation.