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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguing already with DH about Christmas dinner and his Covidiot family

190 replies

CathTurnbull · 07/09/2020 23:06

DH’s sister and brother in law always come to ours on Christmas Day, I don’t mind and they don’t cook so no problem.

However they’re also people who tend to be quite selfish and acted quite stupidly over the last few months as in going abroad on list minute holidays, out all the time for buy out to help out, always at the pub not socially distancing etc.

Each to their own, if that’s how they want to behave, but obviously cases are increasing and I can only imagine how bad things could be by Christmas so I mentioned to DH that I wasn’t comfortable about them coming for Christmas dinner if they continue to act like there’s no virus. He got defensive and told me they are coming and then left the room as if the conversation was over and he was making this decision.

I feel a bit upset, but he’s acting like I’m being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sertchgi123 · 08/09/2020 08:06

We have a rule we live by. If one of us isn’t happy about something like you describe, then it doesn’t happen.

I’m completely with you.

justdontgothere · 08/09/2020 08:09

It's such a tough one this year. I'm far from scared of the virus, however I am feeling a bit anxious about how Christmas plans will have to be adjusted because of expectations to adhere to certain 'traditional' plans which I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with if things stand as they are. Thing is, it's too early to make a call for definite - we've over three months until Christmas and things will change, probably several times, between now and then. It's OK to air your concerns but I wouldn't be making any final decisions right now.

Sasuma · 08/09/2020 08:10

Not socially distancing might be an issue but the other things they’ve been doing does not make them ‘stupid’ OP.

You should like a very petty and nasty person to be accusing them of being stupid for doing things which are completely permissible such as going to restaurants and on holiday and for bringing this up in September too.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2020 08:12

Yabu to be planning this far in advance, we don't know what will happen by christmas. It doesn't seem like they've done that much wrong either, you're allowed to eat in a restaurant and go on a trip now.

If you don't want to host anymore because you do everything and they don't help then don't host

LouiseTrees · 08/09/2020 08:16

@CathTurnbull

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day - his only contribution is to set the table, so I think if anyone has more bargaining power it’s me!

I think he knows that, which is he stomped off because he knows he doesn’t have a leg to stand in if this discussion were to continue

So easy then. Say, fine they can come but I’m not cooking or shopping.
C8H10N4O2 · 08/09/2020 08:16

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day - his only contribution is to set the table

So every year you "do" Christmas for DH and his family? When do you see your family? What do they contribute to your Christmas?

You don't have to have anyone in your home who makes you feel unsafe. I'm already talking to my family about options we can consider for this year, most families I know are doing similar if they have much in the way of logistics to consider.

ZooKeeper19 · 08/09/2020 08:21

@CathTurnbull no way I'd have them over in this case. If they self-isolate 2 weeks prior to the Christmas day OK. But having read what you said about them not caring, it seems unlikely that they'll pass the Christmas drinks and pubs and parties that are on each year.

Which is great for them, but I'd not want my family getting sick over Christmas, or ever if I can prevent it. The virus is new and it's not a cough that goes in a few days. I'm not keen on possible kidney, liver, lungs and neural system failure, thank you very much.

nettie434 · 08/09/2020 08:22

I think we will all need to think about how we might be affected at Christmas. I don't live in Scotland so I might have got this wrong but if the OP lived in Glasgow or East Renfrewshire, then they wouldn't be able to come to their house for dinner anyway. There are local lockdowns in Caerphilly too, as well as parts of Manchester. Some of the rises in infections are due to people returning from holiday but others are from more socialising in people's homes.

I voted YANBU because by Christmas it may not be down to the OP's husband at all what happens. Having said that, things may improve so we all need to be flexible.

Corono · 08/09/2020 08:24

I think you're using Covid as an excuse. You don't like their selfish attitude and resent hosting Christmas for them every year. That's fair enough, but fight the real fight.

This 💯%!

They're not idiots, the three of them have it well sussed, you buy, prepare, cook the food and then they eat it! Genius, they got it well sussed!

Pobblebonk · 08/09/2020 08:25

@ddl1

'out all the time for buy out to help out

What's wrong with that?'

Nothing, so long as you follow the rules about social distancing. It sounds as though these people aren't.

There's nothing indicating that they weren't socially distancing when going to restaurants. Restaurants operating that scheme were very careful about enforcing it.
SpaceOP · 08/09/2020 08:28

With the possible exception of Social Distancing, they're doing what the government tells them to do - holidays were one, eating out was fine etc etc. I do think you're being a bit silly. Also to be worrying about this now. IF Covid gets worse, you can make a decision nearer the time but you're making your plans based on assumptions you don't know to be true.

CasuallyMasculine · 08/09/2020 08:39

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day - his only contribution is to set the table, so I think if anyone has more bargaining power it’s me!

How on earth does that increase your chances of catching it? If not why is your inability to have a mutually equal relationship and not be treated like the hired help have to do with Covid?

You completely misunderstood what the OP posted. She didn’t say she would have more chance of catching the virus because she does all the prep and cooking.

She said she should have more of a say in what happens at Christmas because she does all the work.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/09/2020 08:44

I don’t blame you OP. I’ve not let family visit who think SD is optional so don’t bother with it.

Many things people can do within the guidelines come with risks, I don’t need to share that risk by having them over.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 08/09/2020 08:44

@nocoolnamesleft

I actually think it's quite rational to be a bit scared of this virus. Other scary viruses are also available.
Me too Grin
Dashel · 08/09/2020 08:50

Take the comments on Covid out of this,

My inlaws come every Christmas for dinner as they don’t cook. Apart from laying the table, I do everything. AIBU in getting fed up of this arrangement and wanting a Christmas for me and DH alone with less work/ AIBU for getting fed up on cooking and waiting on 3 adults every year for Christmas Day? / AIBU for fed up of seeing DHs family every year and not seeing my own?

There are so many reasons to pick from, do you honestly want to keep this arrangement every single Christmas from now on? What about if kids arrive?

upsidedownwavylegs · 08/09/2020 08:52

As well as being a horrible attitude to your spouse’s family, it’s a bit of a risky strategy to try and control other people’s social lives based on the assumption that three other adults aren’t willing or able to put together a roast dinner for themselves and exclude you. My SIL is a bit of a controlling type, won’t accept any help with Christmas dinner and hates other people going to the pub/drinking and having fun that she isn’t the architect of at the best of times - I’m sure she would love to decree we could only come for Christmas if we stayed out the pub for six months beforehand. However, presumably she realises, and OP realises, that wouldn’t leave her with many options once we said “righto, we won’t come then”. I’m guessing OP wouldn’t much like it if her husband said he was heading to their house for Christmas dinner this year and since she didn’t want to see them she could do her own thing, so she’d be as well to have a constructive conversation about things rather than start issuing ultimatums.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/09/2020 08:59

As well as being a horrible attitude to your spouse’s family

The OP is the one providing full service Christmas to a bunch of adults who don't help. I don't think its the OP with the attitude problem but the grown adults who are too pathetic to cook for themselves and who don't help someone else.

it’s a bit of a risky strategy to try and control other people’s social lives based on the assumption that three other adults aren’t willing or able to put together a roast dinner for themselves and exclude you

I read it as the OP being entirely accepting of them doing their own thing. I don't see the OP losing out because the coasting pair don't rock up to be waited on.

Any of us are entitled to say who we want in our own homes.

upsidedownwavylegs · 08/09/2020 09:00

@C8H10N4O2

As well as being a horrible attitude to your spouse’s family

The OP is the one providing full service Christmas to a bunch of adults who don't help. I don't think its the OP with the attitude problem but the grown adults who are too pathetic to cook for themselves and who don't help someone else.

it’s a bit of a risky strategy to try and control other people’s social lives based on the assumption that three other adults aren’t willing or able to put together a roast dinner for themselves and exclude you

I read it as the OP being entirely accepting of them doing their own thing. I don't see the OP losing out because the coasting pair don't rock up to be waited on.

Any of us are entitled to say who we want in our own homes.

Any of us except OP’s husband, right?
movingonup20 · 08/09/2020 09:02

You are free to do whatever you want but going abroad and eating out is allowed!

Livelovebehappy · 08/09/2020 09:06

Christmas is still a few months away. Covid could be a distant memory by the time December 25th comes around. I wouldn’t start getting into arguments about it now as things are constantly changing. Having said that, I’ve pre-emptied the drama, and have booked to go away to a cottage in the U.K. over Christmas. I usually have 12 people every year to my house on Christmas Day, but with the uncertainty of where we will be with Covid at Xmas, I’ve removed the drama and will spend it miles away with my DH and two adult DCs.

FredaFlinstone · 08/09/2020 09:07

YANBU to have to host his DB and SIL all the time because they can't cook. Can't or won't?

Buy them a cookbook for Christmas.

Karwomannghia · 08/09/2020 09:08

It’s a bit premature to decide that now, who knows what’s going to happen between now and then! I think it’s more that you just don’t want them there.

userxx · 08/09/2020 09:14

Each to their own, if that’s how they want to behave,

How dare they behave in that manner. Eating out ? Going on holiday ? Fucking disgraceful. I'd personally ban them for life or at the very least bathe them in dettol if they get within 5 miles of your house. Filth spreaders. 😡

WanderingMilly · 08/09/2020 09:14

You limit the people in your own home to who you wish to have. Presumably you share the home so your view counts too.
Personally I wouldn't argue about it. He has a choice....you will shop, clean, prepare and cook the Christmas yourself if YOU decide who is coming or not. Otherwise he can have his way but he will be doing it himself and you will be staying away for a couple of days instead...then he can invite who he likes. Simples.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/09/2020 09:15

Any of us except OP’s husband, right?

So the DH who contributes bugger all gets to dictate to the OP that she should cook, shop and host people who make her uncomfortable in her own home?