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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguing already with DH about Christmas dinner and his Covidiot family

190 replies

CathTurnbull · 07/09/2020 23:06

DH’s sister and brother in law always come to ours on Christmas Day, I don’t mind and they don’t cook so no problem.

However they’re also people who tend to be quite selfish and acted quite stupidly over the last few months as in going abroad on list minute holidays, out all the time for buy out to help out, always at the pub not socially distancing etc.

Each to their own, if that’s how they want to behave, but obviously cases are increasing and I can only imagine how bad things could be by Christmas so I mentioned to DH that I wasn’t comfortable about them coming for Christmas dinner if they continue to act like there’s no virus. He got defensive and told me they are coming and then left the room as if the conversation was over and he was making this decision.

I feel a bit upset, but he’s acting like I’m being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Corono · 08/09/2020 07:11

So they e been on last minute holidays etc, they've still not caught it? They're still safe and well? So you're worrying about them suddenly catching it at Christmas?

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day - his only contribution is to set the table, so I think if anyone has more bargaining power it’s me!*

How on earth does that increase your chances of catching it? If not why is your inability to have a mutually equal relationship and not be treated like the hired help have to do with Covid?

I think this is more to do with you being treated badly by your DH than it is about the possibility of Covid!

I'd be addressed that!

Honestly, four healthy people and you can't say, you buy XYZ, you prepare this etc. I suggest that you delegate some chores to each family member!

Didiusfalco · 08/09/2020 07:13

Can you get in touch with sil and bil directly and just say ‘sorry due to Covid I will not be hosting this year - just wanted to give you plenty of notice’. If your dh shuts you down that should open up the channels of communication Wink

Sheknowsaboutme · 08/09/2020 07:13

I would say this year, you do not host. You don’t have to give a reason.

LilyLongJohn · 08/09/2020 07:13

Covid or no Covid you're completely entitled to your opinion and if you don't want to invite them for xmas dinner then don't. If your dh wants to see them, I suggest he does all the cooking, shopping, preparation etc and goes to their house to cook them xmas dinner

Your dh's reaction would have really pissed me off, who put him in charge

Billben · 08/09/2020 07:14

@AnneLovesGilbert

Is he cooking, cleaning and hosting entirely by himself?
He got defensive and told me they are coming and then left the room

Tell him to start planning, cos he will be hosting them all by himself.

Ikeameatballs · 08/09/2020 07:17

YABU for discussing Christmas arrangements on Sept 7th.

You don’t know what the Covid situation or government advice will be by then. To decree now that you don’t want DH’s family to come over for Xmas dinner is unreasonable and a bit pointless, you’ve now set yourselves up for something to bicker over for the next 108 days. Well done.

MadameBlobby · 08/09/2020 07:18

@LilyLongJohn

Covid or no Covid you're completely entitled to your opinion and if you don't want to invite them for xmas dinner then don't. If your dh wants to see them, I suggest he does all the cooking, shopping, preparation etc and goes to their house to cook them xmas dinner

Your dh's reaction would have really pissed me off, who put him in charge

This
Stompythedinosaur · 08/09/2020 07:20

Like fuck would I cook for some selfish arseholes who can't be bothered to mildly inconveniencesl themselves in order to protect their communities.

Suggest dp goes to theirs and then stays socially distant until he gets a test.

LagunaBubbles · 08/09/2020 07:21

All those people spouting government guidelines, some people like to follow their own feelings and instincts. I have since day 1

One thing this whole pandemic has shown is how selfish some people really are.

KunekuneKristmasCake · 08/09/2020 07:21

Just go to your parents for Xmas- he can host them by himself

Aweebawbee · 08/09/2020 07:21

I think you're using Covid as an excuse. You don't like their selfish attitude and resent hosting Christmas for them every year. That's fair enough, but fight the real fight.

Genevieva · 08/09/2020 07:23

Sounds like you need a Christmas off being the family chef regardless of Covid.

rookiemere · 08/09/2020 07:25

YABU to discuss Christmas dinner in September when there is a fast moving situation going on. I doubt there will be an option for big family gatherings this year by that time, so why waste effort having a fight about it now ?

Corono · 08/09/2020 07:28

I hope you're not expecting to use the health service paid for by people who have been following guidance in the event that you catch Covid.

Really?? You think the NHS should be elitist? Are you going to police it?

So, if a smoker gets lung cancer, no treatment?

If an obese person gets diabetes, no treatment?

Or have you decided it's just Covid this relates to?

The virus really has shown people up for what they are! Judgemental or what!

Clutterbugsmum · 08/09/2020 07:29

OP,

I would ignore any mention of Christmas going forward and I would not be doing any of the Christmas shopping / prep work. If he demands to have Christmas with BIL and then he do it all or he can go to their house and celebrate.

wildcherries · 08/09/2020 07:34

@rookiemere

YABU to discuss Christmas dinner in September when there is a fast moving situation going on. I doubt there will be an option for big family gatherings this year by that time, so why waste effort having a fight about it now ?
This. No one has any real idea of how the situation will look three weeks from now let alone several months ahead.
DizzyPigeon · 08/09/2020 07:34

Wow. I can't believe the hostility on this thread! Some people are so defensive about their rights to go out and about they seem to have lost their ability to understand that not everyone is like them! But try not to rise to it op, because it just fans the flames.

I disagree with @rookiemere. While we don't know what life will be like in December, it's better to know in plenty of time if your usual Christmas plans are not going to happen.

I like the advice above of telling your DH that if he wants to host, he is responsible for it, and that you won't be there. And you can go to family or to a hotel or for a break away from home. But he does not get to dictate what your Christmas plans are. By the same token, you don't get to dictate his, so he can cook for his family if he wishes.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 08/09/2020 07:35

YABU for using the word covidiot. What a horribly divisive word.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 08/09/2020 07:40

But yes, if he wants them for Christmas and you dont he cooks and you go elsewhere. Although perhaps you could set the table to be helpful before you go Grin

Daisydoesnt · 08/09/2020 07:42

I wouldn't sweat about it yet OP. There's a good chance by Christmas we won't be allowed to socialise in other people's houses anyway.

SunnyCoco · 08/09/2020 07:45

Well yeh, I actually think you can be the covid police in your own home!
Yanbu for not wanting to host people who you consider to be at higher risk of carrying or communicating an illness.

Foobydoo · 08/09/2020 07:47

It is not a bad thing to have some options in place. We go to my parents who were shielding and we have already said we will isolate the week before if work breaks up early enough to reduce the risk to them.
Mil always comes and she thinks the whole thing is a joke and DH is preparing to have a word about it because we just cannot risk giving anything to my parents.
That said, I wouldn't take such measures if our risk was low. Everyone needs to make there own personal risk assessments at the moment.

midgebabe · 08/09/2020 07:47

Op would need to move out for 2 weeks if she wants to avoid a possible chain of infection.

It's enough evidence to me that they are Covidiots in that it isn't crossing their minds that she might be uncomfortable about it

DisorganisedPurpose · 08/09/2020 07:59

If you feel so strongly you should not host but you need to recognise your worry is just that and many people feel much less concerned about the virus. The death and hospitalisation rates are extremely low and it is very likely that the virus is now milder than previously. You should own it and tell the guest that you will not be hosting because of your own concerns about the virus rather than their behaviour. That way you won't burn bridges. Your DH who obviously has less concern will be disappointed but should support you.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 08/09/2020 08:02

Covid is going to be a godsend for all the in law haters this year !