Arguing already with DH about Christmas dinner and his Covidiot family

[CathTurnbull]

DH’s sister and brother in law always come to ours on Christmas Day, I don’t mind and they don’t cook so no problem.

However they’re also people who tend to be quite selfish and acted quite stupidly over the last few months as in going abroad on list minute holidays, out all the time for buy out to help out, always at the pub not socially distancing etc.

Each to their own, if that’s how they want to behave, but obviously cases are increasing and I can only imagine how bad things could be by Christmas so I mentioned to DH that I wasn’t comfortable about them coming for Christmas dinner if they continue to act like there’s no virus. He got defensive and told me they are coming and then left the room as if the conversation was over and he was making this decision.

I feel a bit upset, but he’s acting like I’m being unreasonable?

Jk - you sound like one of those stupid co-idiots

What's a co-idiot? Is it someone who lives with idiots?

I voted yanbu but not because of COVID which is neither here nor there, but because these sort of decisions should be joint ones. It’s not fair when one partner simply states that something is or isn’t going to happen and won’t discuss it.

'out all the time for buy out to help out

What's wrong with that?'

Nothing, so long as you follow the rules about social distancing. It sounds as though these people aren't.

I think you are sensible to get it clear now so your dp's family have time to arrange lunch out somewhere.

If your dp won't accept your concerns then he can cook while you take a well earned break elsewhere.

Since he doesn't cook and they don't cook, Christmas will be a bit sad, won't it?

As an aside, they always come at Christmas? When do you see your family?

I have a solution: your husband could go to theirs and cook for a change and you stay at home. Problem solved.

Do you think we will be back in lockdown at Christmas? Why not just play it by ear, we are still in early September.

@Islandblue

Everyone has their own approach to this virus, their owns beliefs and their own level of comfort. You stick to yours and they can stick to theirs.

As an aside I find those who are 'not scared' the most defensive over their actions & most abusive towards those that still want to be cautious.

All too true.

That your husband doesn't have your back on this is concerning.

@user1468538201

I’m also scared of it for this reason. Contracted glandular fever at 20, sustained liver damage which meant I couldn’t drink for three years (cleverly became a big stoner instead )

My own mother hand to bathe me;
I was too exhausted to sleep in anything more than a sheet, we had a celebratory meal when I walked to the front gate unaided. Dropped out of uni,
Cohoe by work, ended up on the sick. This is how my twenties began.

Sorry to hear you’re still struggling with this horrible virus.

Completely fair enough OP. I would feel the same.

@Pobblebonk

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day

That's easy, then. Tell him none of that is going to happen if he continues to ignore your wishes and behave like a child.

This. Let him host Christmas if he insists. Sans your presence.

YABU to be thinking about this in September, especially this year when no-one has any idea what we will be able to do at Christmas. We might be back in a situation where you can't host other households indoors, there's a few areas in this position right now and it might get worse over winter.

You are also unreasonable to get into a situation where you are responsible for hosting Christmas dinner every year and you doing everything unless that's what you really want to do. Them not cooking is not a reason to do it for them, it doesn't sound like they're incapable if they're out and about and on holiday all the time.

Therefore when people start seriously talking about Christmas you can say 'how about someone else hosts this year' and then go to them, your parents, his parents or anyone else that's not your house or say that you're just having Christmas at home with your own family this year. You can always change plans later.

I've never understood why people think about Christmas dinner so far ahead. At the end of the day it's only a slightly elaborate roast dinner and could easily be sorted at a day or two's notice at most even if you are hosting more people than normal, you just adapt the quantities and be a bit flexible if the supermarket doesn't have exactly what you need, eg two smaller joints if there isn't a big one and even that's unlikely if you shop a couple of days before the 25the. I haven't ordered anything for years and have always found the shops abundantly stocked with everything you could ever need.

@CathTurnbull would it be possible to go back to your husband and talk to him about what behaviour change in your in-laws would make you feel safer? For instance, if you agree that they reduce outings and start practicing social distancing with enough regularity by the end of November, then you’re fine with them coming over. And then he can relay those conditions to them and negotiate. How does that sound?

It doesn’t sound as if you’d be comfortable hosting Christmas this year, particularly with people it sounds as though you tolerate at best and have called idiots. You could express your concerns to them directly, but probably won’t be able to change their behaviour, especially as sone of the things you’ve mentioned (e.g. pubs, eat out to help out) have been allowed and encouraged. As the year goes on, more people will also be going back to work, using public transport and mixing with others who have. You’re not unreasonable to have your own concerns and want to take precautions, so maybe now IS the time to say you won’t be hosting Christmas this year- give people time to make other arrangements, which they may not mind doing. Perhaps try to reserve judgment though - ‘I’ve decided not to have guests this Christmas’ rather than ‘You’re not coming because I don’t think you’ve been socially distancing properly’, even if the latter is what you privately feel.

I'm not going to get into the morality of the Covid thing because it's such a contentious issue and giving any sort of opinion on either side of the fence turns into a huge shit throwing match which I can't be arsed with.

What I will say is that if you aren't comfortable with something that is happening in your house then you absolutely have the right to a voice. Your DH doesn't get to just stamp his foot and say his way is happening, end of story. And you say that it's you that cooks Christmas dinner alone?! What the hell is he planning on doing - sneaking them in whilst you're in the kitchen and then splitting his portion of dinner between 3? He sounds like a cheeky bastard and I would be really fucked off with being ordered to make a huge Christmas dinner for people, especially when I had alrwady expressed that I wasn't comfortable having them in my home.

Either DH sits down with you and has a proper discussion where you come to a decision together, or he makes Christmas dinner himself and you go and do something different. If it we're me I'd probably be making plans to be elsewhere on Christmas day so he can actually understand what a mammoth task it is to orchestrate a big Christmas dinner by yourself.

If he insists that they are coming then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to do as others have suggested and either go away and make alternative plans for Christmas and leave him to sort out their Christmas dinner or arrange for him to go to their house and sort out dinner there.

If you insist they are not coming then I think it’s personally reasonable that you (not both of you, you) need to be the one to tell them they are not welcome and provide them with the real reason why if they ask, and with enough time for them to sort out alternative plans (which is pretty much soon-ish).

Could you not ask them to test before coming over?

Going abroad and eating out is not acting selfishly. Increase is due to more testing and including milder infections and cannot be comparable to early on in the pandemic because testing only took place in hospitals for more severe cases. Do what ever you need to do to feel safe but don't brand these people covidiots because they are more comfortable in certain situations.

You are being unreasonable judging them for doing things they’ve been allowed. Lots of people have been on holiday and been fine ( lots of places lower than our rate), same with the eat out situation. How do you know they aren’t social distancing? Lots of pubs and restaurants are following guidelines properly and I’ve felt very safe and distant from others.

You are not being unreasonable about Christmas it’s your house and your day you can choose whatever you want to do.

I mentioned to DH that I wasn’t comfortable about them coming for Christmas dinner if they continue to act like there’s no virus.

Would he cook Christmas Dinner on this occasion just to spite you?

The trouble is with this virus is that it puts a huge dividing line between those who prefer to be cautious and those who want to get back out there/some who think the virus is a bit of a hoax, and both sides end up getting nasty. Some of the posts on here are unnecessarily rude to the OP and others who want to be cautious.

It is OK to want to be cautious. And it's OK to not feel comfortable with the amount of socialising that someone is doing. We all have our own comfort level.

The government's own scientific advisors have popped back up again, admitting they are concerned about the level of infection. Some have suggested that the government strategy isn't right. Just because "the government allows it and encourages it" doesn't mean it's a sensible thing to do. Seriously, you have seen the absolute fucking shambles they've made of everything since March and you still think it's OK to follow Boris' advice blindly?! I do not trust that man to act in my best interests so I'll decide what I feel is safe based on actual science, thanks all the same. I'm not going to go swanning all over the place just because the rumple-headed dickhead at No 10 tells me it's OK and that the virus will magically choose not to infect me.

A couple of people on this thread have described what sounds like a really sensible approach - eating out as a family and ensuring the pubs they go to are very quiet and properly distanced. I have friends who have taken full advantage of everything being open and have been constantly out, going quite literally up and down the country in pubs, restaurants and one group have also been overseas. I totally get wanting to go back out but the extent some people have taken it to will be contributing to the virus rising right now. If they've picked it up somewhere, they'll have spread it around the UK.

And tbh, we all know who is socially distancing among our peer group. I have some friends who are out and about, but very diligent, and others who just don't give a shit. It's very easy to tell.

OP, YANBU to be concerned about COVID. Death rates may be low at the moment - and we don't know why that is, possibly because more time spent outside is one of the theories. As winter comes and people are exposed to greater viral load once more, mortality may soar. Also, there are growing concerns about the long-term effects of the virus - it seems to cause long-lasting disability in some folk. Thing is, it's new so we just can't be sure - and for that reason wanting to be cautious is completely understandable.

I agree with PP, I don't think I'd get into too much of a fight just yet - numbers have taken a sharp upswing so maybe hold your horses for a couple of weeks and see what happens. Hopefully it will all calm down again but scientists are predicting the second wave. If that does appear, your DH may be much more open to your point of view without a big row.

I think it’s unreasonable that they never bloody host, lazy fuckers.

Can you compromise and put some boundaries in place? Ie. They can come providing they’re not in a lockdown area, travelled to a quarantined country etc, but if the criteria is broken, and you deem them a risk, then they can’t come.

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day - his only contribution is to set the table,

Why?

Yes it’s early to think about xmas. But your OP only reads like you were, reasonably, laying the ground for your DH to be prepared that it might be a possibility that you wouldn’t be comfortable hosting this year. His reaction is worrying and I don’t understand the childish ‘you’re no fun comments’.

Don’t cook xmas dinner for anyone you don’t want to and don’t let your DH act like a controlling twat. I thought these were the founding pillars of mumsnet!?!?!