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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Arguing already with DH about Christmas dinner and his Covidiot family

190 replies

CathTurnbull · 07/09/2020 23:06

DH’s sister and brother in law always come to ours on Christmas Day, I don’t mind and they don’t cook so no problem.

However they’re also people who tend to be quite selfish and acted quite stupidly over the last few months as in going abroad on list minute holidays, out all the time for buy out to help out, always at the pub not socially distancing etc.

Each to their own, if that’s how they want to behave, but obviously cases are increasing and I can only imagine how bad things could be by Christmas so I mentioned to DH that I wasn’t comfortable about them coming for Christmas dinner if they continue to act like there’s no virus. He got defensive and told me they are coming and then left the room as if the conversation was over and he was making this decision.

I feel a bit upset, but he’s acting like I’m being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Wanttolearnmore · 07/09/2020 23:45

I would worry about this closer to the time to be honest and drop the subject for now. Pointless arguing about it now when your area or the whole country could be under lockdown again at Christmas and therefore they wouldn't be coming anyway.

Islandblue · 07/09/2020 23:45

Everyone has their own approach to this virus, their owns beliefs and their own level of comfort. You stick to yours and they can stick to theirs.

As an aside I find those who are 'not scared' the most defensive over their actions & most abusive towards those that still want to be cautious.

RubyFakeLips · 07/09/2020 23:46

Personally I would just leave it for now. Why argue when it’s all hypothetical.

Nearer the time I’m sure the situation will be clearer and you can then feel definite in putting your foot down or not...

Itsjustabitofbanter · 07/09/2020 23:49

All those people spouting government guidelines, some people like to follow their own feelings and instincts. I have since day 1

AdaColeman · 07/09/2020 23:54

Him walking away from you to shut down the conversation is a classic control technique.

It leaves you feeling frustrated as though your opinion has no value, so that when the discussion resumes you are much more likely to vent your frustration in anger or rash comments, leaving him calm and apparently reasonable and so feeing he is “winning” that round.

The way to get what you want here, is to stay calm and state your opinions emphatically, let him know that you mean what you say.

MadameMeursault · 07/09/2020 23:55

How do grown adults not cook? What do they live off?

YANBU btw.

WatchoutfortheROUS · 08/09/2020 00:00

Regardless of Covid, it would be fine if you didn't want to host someone for Christmas (sept is plenty of notice!). Add the virus into the mix and YADNBU. As pp have said it's up to everyone to decide what they are comfortable with. I think this Christmas may look a little different for many of us

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2020 00:08

@Itsjustabitofbanter

All those people spouting government guidelines, some people like to follow their own feelings and instincts. I have since day 1

Good luck to those you cough or sneeze on

Sycamoretrees · 08/09/2020 00:14

Sounds like they may well have had it by Christmas, so might turn out to be ideal Christmas dinner guests - might be more sensible to avoid them now!

AdoraBell · 08/09/2020 00:16

YANBU

If DH keeps insisting make it clear that you will not be taking part in Christmas and he will have to do everything so he best get started straight away.

ddl1 · 08/09/2020 00:18

'How do grown adults not cook? What do they live off?'

I assumed this meant that they don't cook elaborate meals such as Christmas dinner, not that they can't cook at all.

Regardless of who is cooking, I would certainly not be thrilled about being cooped up in midwinter with people who ignore health advice at this time.

FinallyFluid · 08/09/2020 00:19

Every one has to manage their own risk, they feel like they are managing theirs, you are by default managing yours.

We, DH, I and our 20 year old have been out for dinner a few times, but only in two restaurants we felt safe in.

Our local pub has a huge beer garden, up to now most of the locals smokers have congregated out there, there are only three tables inside (no standing at the bar) so that means only twelve people can be inside, that feels safe. When the weather breaks properly the smokers will probably move inside and then there will no longer be enough space, then we will withdraw.

It is all about judging your own risk and acting accordingly, they are not wrong, but equally neither are you. You are just singing from different hymn sheets.

Bowerbird5 · 08/09/2020 00:21

If he mentions it again say “ That’s fine you do all the planning, shopping and cooking because I have booked a holiday cottage for my Christmas.” Just watch his face.

YANBU

Pobblebonk · 08/09/2020 00:24

out all the time for buy out to help out

What's wrong with that?

Pobblebonk · 08/09/2020 00:26

@Itsjustabitofbanter

All those people spouting government guidelines, some people like to follow their own feelings and instincts. I have since day 1

I hope you're not expecting to use the health service paid for by people who have been following guidance in the event that you catch Covid.

Pobblebonk · 08/09/2020 00:27

I’m the one that does the all the food shopping, prep and actual cooking on the day

That's easy, then. Tell him none of that is going to happen if he continues to ignore your wishes and behave like a child.

Ranunculi · 08/09/2020 00:28

I’ve had the same argument with DH. We’ve been protecting ourselves and DC, literally just going to work and back home. We haven’t been out with friends since the start of January. His family have been going all over the place, on holiday, eating out, shopping, having garden parties with their neighbours, letting their DC play with other DC with no SD. I don’t feel comfortable mixing with them because they’re very high risk. I’ve insisted we should spend Christmas at home by ourselves and his family are very displeased. So I’ve told him to have dinner with his family by himself if he wants to, and I will take DC somewhere safe away from them all.

Couchbettato · 08/09/2020 00:30

Christmas is smack in the middle of flu season. It's warm inside, cold outside, and every one congregates in inside places more.

If they're socialites, and like being out an about, I can't imagine that changing in the middle of winter. I think given the current situation I'd also be concerned about them coming into my house too because they're not likely to have curbed their poor social distancing habits. They're just going to get worse as the weather gets colder.

I do think people should be able to see each other for christmas, but obviously after they've assessed their own level of risk and for OP they're not BU, because the level of risk in this isntance is pretty high.

Original poster

CathTurnbull · 08/09/2020 00:30

Pobble- not sure why you’ve singled out the eat out to help out bit. It was part of an example of lifestyle. This in itself there’s nothing wrong with. Generally swanning about not SD I though is irresponsible. I would have thought that was obvious?

OP posts:

Pobblebonk · 08/09/2020 00:37

Because not only is that lawful, it's been positively encouraged by the government and really isn't dangerous. So I didn't understand why you included that in your criticism.

JKRowlingIsMyQueen · 08/09/2020 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

CathTurnbull · 08/09/2020 00:51

Jk - you sound like one of those stupid co-idiots

OP posts:

Terrace58 · 08/09/2020 00:59

We have already decided we will not be spending Christmas with the parts of our extended family who are not talking Covid seriously.

user1468538201 · 08/09/2020 01:02

I'm scared of the virus and happy to admit it. I doubt it would kill me but at almost 50 years old I have 38 years of chronic illness behind me as a result of a 'minor viral infection' when I was 12. I'm reliant of morphine 3 times a day for pain relief, I had to retire on health grounds from a career I loved in my mid 30's, I have one child but was told at age 25 not to put my body through another pregnancy because of the chronic illness, some days I cannot get out of bed, other times I need my husbands assistance to get dressed etc, so covid may not kill me but I'm still scared of it, and I wish far more people were a bit more scared of it too because contracting glandular fever as a fit healthy 12 year old has left me with severe long term issues that means I dread what may be ahead for people who have had mild doses of covid and think it's nothing to fear.

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2020 01:05

There are people on mn who haven’t heard of fb??
YANBU. I’d casually say later in the week that I would speak to mum about going to hers for Christmas with the dc since he was hosting here, but that’s me :)

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