My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

She’s transitioning because her friends are? She sounds completely lost on what it is she actually wants. If she doesn’t know what she wants then that’s fine, but don’t just do what others are doing because of it!!

I’d be gutted about the name change too, hopefully it won’t actually come to it, sounds like she is doing/saying things for a shock factor only.

Regardless, 45% of transgender adults will attempt suicide. 90% will consider it.

Why those statistics are not very reliable:

fullfact.org/health/young-trans-people/

Samaritans on responsible reporting of suicide:

media.samaritans.org/documents/Samaritans_Media_Guidelines_UK_Apr17_Final_web.pdf

canyoucallbacklater please think before you define any group according to their likelihood of committing suicide.

That is tough OP. I think it's isn't only the name change but the whole identity especially if you feel they're unsure of what they truly want.
My DD is nearly 12 she is non binary while reading more and more on transsexual she's also on the spectrum with some MH issues.
I believe she's a lost soul so to speak she's highly aware she is different to her peers so searching out the reason and seems to have found it in non binary teenagers on youtube.
It is very complex I find it difficult to refer to DD as they.
Your not one I'll be shot here for saying I believe it is a MH issue.
I don't share this DD I listen to all her stories ACT supportive

Perhaps so many have suicidal thoughts because of the mental illness which causes them to think they are in fact the opposite sex. The truly kind option would be psychiatric treatment to address those issues rather than telling them that , tes they are in the wrong body and should have surgery to remove body parts.

Jesus Christ, some of the anti-trans comments on here are staggering.

Please do report any such posts to MNHQ and they will delete them.

somewhere on the LGBTQA+ spectrum.

It's possible to understand why people should find companionship with fellow 'outsiders', while also questioning why increasing numbers of teenage girls have come to the conclusion that their problems could be solved if they changed their bodies.

realise the consequences of the vitriol that you spew.

my god, the hyperbole - i know cult members struggle with reality but really?

@canyoucallbacklater If your stats are correct it would appear many have MH issues.
There is a huge connection between teenagers with ASD who search out transition.

There is a huge connection between teenagers with ASD who search out transition

ASD isn't a mental health issue, but I absolutely agree that many neurodivergent people do develop mental health issues around identity through struggling to conform to neurotypical societal expectations, especially if they don't fully appreciate all the facets of their divergence (which is something that young people develop gradually over time as they mature and gain life experience, if they're lucky).

These expectations are inextricably linked with societal gender expectations, so it's natural that a young person feeling somehow at odds with the world and seeking answers to "what's wrong with me" might mistakenly interpret gender oppression as something everyone else appears to be absolutely fine with while they find it intolerable, leading them to conclude the problem must be with them and their gender identity.

People bandy about words like 'vitriol' far too easily and seemingly without any understanding of what it means.

My friends kid insists on being called Catboy. She has a beautiful name but insists she's Catboy. she may grow out of that may not. It sounds like your being a good supportive mum. Feel free to feel your feelings while encouraging the child you love them regardless ❤️

I'd be wondering why the entire female peer group came out as trans tbh OP!

Oh @Riv! unmumsnetty hugs to you x

'My two oldest DCs have noticed an alarming trend among their friends to suddenly announce they're bi, when they're clearly not. They're afraid of being seen as homophobic and hostile to peers who aren't straight if they don't claim to be bi for some reason. Madness.'

Which has got to do with the OPs original question how exactly?

And also, I call bullcrap on that, no-one is claiming to be bi to avoid seeming homophobic. They just aren't. To not be homophobic you just have to, well, not be a homophobe. Just as you can not be racist by no saying or doing anything racist.

I really feel for you OP I'm in a very similar situation your feelings are as valid as your child's. It is a sort of grieving process which I've found does get easier with time.

@ElephantsAlltheWayDown and @SummerSummerSummertime Thank you. I don’t want to derail the thread but I am grateful for your hugs. I’ve never told anyone IRL and actually expected a flaming (as I believe I deserve it).

Elephants, you sound like a lovely, kind, supportive and understanding mum. All the best to you and your family.

And and 🤗 for you as well @hullabaloo68

@Riv you seem like a very loving Mum. Please be kind to yourself.

Riv, hullabaloo and other parents going through this.

riv

💐

@Grannyspecsandslippers

'My two oldest DCs have noticed an alarming trend among their friends to suddenly announce they're bi, when they're clearly not. They're afraid of being seen as homophobic and hostile to peers who aren't straight if they don't claim to be bi for some reason. Madness.'

Which has got to do with the OPs original question how exactly?

And also, I call bullcrap on that, no-one is claiming to be bi to avoid seeming homophobic. They just aren't. To not be homophobic you just have to, well, not be a homophobe. Just as you can not be racist by no saying or doing anything racist.

Maybe it's just because it's the end of Pride Month, but I have noticed that my DD and friends are very keen to align themselves with LGBTQA+ in what ever way they can. "Allies" seems to be the normal way, but I can well understand why they might feel that's somewhat second best in the hierarchy. Each group has their own special flag now. To be honest, it reminds me of boys and football clubs in the obsessiveness, the tribalism and the colours.

DD seems happy, and there's no sign that she thinks she's a boy, but I'm keeping an increasingly close eye on it all.

& tbh, there are more important issues, poverty & climate change for example.

Society is fiddling with the politics of small differences while the world starts to burn.

A name is such a personal thing. But I can't agree it's really upsetting to the parent because it's personal to them, so a child rejecting the name is rejecting what you've bestowed on them. I had a very small family, and between my parents and my twin sister only one of us used their first name (my dad). I was born in 1960, and for some weird reason my parents christened us with a first name they never used, so we've always used the second name. However, for official things, eg banks, passport, driving licence, etc, I use my first plus second name, because that was the name on my birth certificate. My mum hated anybody finding out her real first name, so why did her twins have first names that they never used? [Her's was unusual, ours were boring.]

When our son was born we had a list of about five names for him/her (didn't know, until he arrived, the sex). He ended up being in the ICU unit for several days. I had a very difficult birth - once I was able to vist him and saw ?[surname] on his cot, I immediately decided on the name, because that was who he was. Since then he's shifted the name, but it's his name; his choice. It was a very normal name, we'd not decided on anything unusual; but he decided to officially have the short version. I did try and guilt-trip him but, as usual, he won the argument.

@TomPinch

& tbh, there are more important issues, poverty & climate change for example.

Society is fiddling with the politics of small differences while the world starts to burn.

Because the world is burning people feel free to speak their truth.

It's not trivial, it's things that mean so much people haven't been OK to say it until the world is burning all around them.