My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

I changed my name at 21. I'd never liked my birth name. Try to be understanding, a name is so important and you've got to like it.

Then why would she specify that she was using the birth pronouns?

Precisely because of presumptuous posters like @SionnachRua who insist on assuming what the “correct” pronouns are.

Teenagers need to find their own path and identity. Which does mean rejecting their family. It's natural. Prior generations didn't have so many options so they focused on dress and music.

I've hated my name ever since I was a kid and started using a nickname when I was around 14. I've been using it for more than 20 years now, longer than I used the other one, and my family still doesn't take it seriously. I can see my mother's face sour every time she hears my "nickname". I understand why mother's take it personally but it affects your DD so much more than it affects you. So please respect her wishes and try to accept it.

My two oldest DCs have noticed an alarming trend among their friends to suddenly announce they're bi, when they're clearly not. They're afraid of being seen as homophobic and hostile to peers who aren't straight if they don't claim to be bi for some reason. Madness.

To be honest, I think I’d be so pleased they were stopping wanting to be the opposite sex I’d let them be called whatever they wanted!

No real advice beyond keep loving them but massive hugs. This must be so hard.

Your feelings are valid and i can understand the hurt.

Teenagers need to find their own path and identity.

Which, ironically, in this case, means going along with what most of her female peer group are also doing.

It sounds like your DC is confused. You say transitioned as a group and is now not sure that was right for them?

Sometimes it's experimenting with finding who they are.

So the idea if your dc transitions back for them could be that they know going back to who they were also isn't someone they are comfortable with. That's no reflection of you that's how your dc feels.

So they'll be the gender or even non gender they find comfort in with a new name. It'll be who they are comfortable being.

I don't ever use my full name when introducing myself. It just reminds me of when I was a kid and it was constantly screamed at me for just breathing at time's.

you have been there for her through all this, you can continue to be strong op

But the OP doesn't mention anything about her daughter's preferred pronouns. She does however refer to her daughter as 'she'. So on what basis are you assuming you know the daughter's preferences?

When my young adult child transitioned MtoF and changed her first name, it did sting. "Choosing her name was MY job" I cried (to my DH, not to her I hasten to add). Her name doesn't match her siblings any more. Although some of the letters are the same which makes it easier for those in the family who find the whole name change hard. But that was three years ago. And now ... its ok. Its not a name I would have chosen but her old name seems like a whole other person now, not the daughter that I have. And I would much rather have the daughter that I do, who feels happier in herself, with the name that she has chosen, than someone with the name I chose that found life unbearable.
So I understand the grieving. I've been there. And I think its good to recognise it. But I hope in time you will come to embrace whoever your child becomes and the name they have chosen. It does feel like a little rejection of you (it did for me) but its more about exploring who they are. And the fact they have shared this with you suggests they feel like you are a safe person who will love them no matter what. Which is something not all young people in turmoil have

A rose is a rose by any other name?

I understand that is Shakespeare. Meaning doesn't matter what she calls herself, she is still lovely and still your daughter.

As for the rest, I would wait and see. Would never say this to their face but much of this I believe is due to teenage branching out and dare I say it attempts at rebellion against you, society, the Tories...

Wait and see.

gg

I think YANBU to feel sad, it sounds like your family has had a difficult time.
The significance of the name is different for you and your child. For her maybe it represents still something she wants to change even if her dysphoria is resolving.
Try not to take it personally.

Does the rejection of the name feel like a rejection of you and what you've offered them?

If it's a particularly girly name, then perhaps it increases their alienation. Have they picked a neutral name for themselves or is it very masculine?

Just keep loving your child. Call the child by the name they have chosen. Be there to listen and reassure them your love won't evaporate because of anything they do.

Remember 90% of dysphoric teens come out the other side content and adjusted to their sex. Try to counsel delay on any drugs or surgery it may be impossible to go back from. Don't say no, say wait and be sure.

The peer influence is strong with clusters like this and if one child pulls out, the whole group can lose momentum.

This is so scary and you need to be so strong! Sending you strength to support your child's journey through this confusing time.

I can understand why you’d feel that way, OP, but that isn’t how she meant it.

I changed my name at 21 to one that felt more “me” and my father had done the same. Sometimes the person we grow into doesn’t fit the image people picture when they hear our names.

She’s not rejecting you, she’s claiming herself.

I voted yanbu. Emotions can't be chosen or helped - they just are. It feels like a rejection of you if your child doesn't want the name you carefully chose for them. I'd be gutted as well.
I'd be inclined to try and get my child away from this particular cohort of kids, in the hope of nipping this trans nonsense in the bud. People who are truly trans don't do it because their friends are - I'd want her away from this influence before it leads to real damage.

I know its upsetting but it's her identity and hers to do with as she sees fit. I never use my legal name (I use a shortened form)

I think anyone would feel this, you can't feel guilty for feeling so blindsided by this. As pp suggested. Give it time. I am sorry op, I know I would feel the same as you

Not going to comment on the trans thing but I think generally teens nowadays are more self obsessed than previous generations...constantly thinking about themselves and their identity and who they are. It's pretty tedious. I'm convinced that it was better in previous decades when they had to work from a young age, earn a living and keep busy. I mean i doubt teenagers in refugee camps, young carers, teen parents etc have much head space to analyse their given name. It's quite indulgent.

She is not being unreasonable to change it – it’s her name and her life.

You are not being unreasonable to feel sad and mournful about that.

It doesn’t surprise me really that so many girls are identifying as boys. It seems like the next step on from when I was a teenager of feeling like you are ‘one of the lads’ and not identifying with the females you see portrayed and hear talked about.

So often
Male = subject, female = object

So everyone is encouraged to identify as a male to some extent.

Anyway, I sympathise OP but you were right not to tell her how you feel.

I ticked YABU but not because I don’t sympathise. Of course she is free to change her name, and it may be part of a further experiment.

I would like to change my name. It’s nothing personal against my Mum and Dad, I know they chose a name they loved, was great in its day, and they wanted the best for me. But it’s my name first and foremost.

I probably won’t get round to it though.

Your DD sounds very caught up in the Trans craze. Don’t pressure her again it, teens are more likely to adopt even more if the identity to prove to themselves that they are right rather than succumb to parental influence.