My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

Maybe it interests them and once it is restarted they join in. It isn't exactly ancient, it was started less than 10 months ago. The OP might still be struggling and appreciate fresh thoughts.

In the scale of all the things facing her (and you) in her trans-or-not future, the name change is a tiny insignificant speck.

It's not just trans parents who face a name change. Imagine how all parents feel when the daughter they've loved for decades, marries and dumps their surname, home, lifestyle for someone elses.

I may be the odd one out, but I find it odd that we give children names at birth with the expectation it's for the duration of their life before we've found out who they are, before they establish a personality.

There are many decisions in life that are made/imposed on us before we have the capacity to decide four ourselves (name, religion, etc.). It would be nice to have the opportunity to reaffirm these to society with free choice, say at 18 or 21.

FWIW, more people now know me by a name I've chosen myself for social media rather than the one I was given or that appears on my passport.

@DogInATent

I may be the odd one out, but I find it odd that we give children names at birth with the expectation it's for the duration of their life before we've found out who they are, before they establish a personality.

There are many decisions in life that are made/imposed on us before we have the capacity to decide four ourselves (name, religion, etc.). It would be nice to have the opportunity to reaffirm these to society with free choice, say at 18 or 21.

FWIW, more people now know me by a name I've chosen myself for social media rather than the one I was given or that appears on my passport.

That is a wonderful idea ! A bit like choosing to be confirmed in a religion as an adult. You could choose to be confirmed as who you are, or alter it if you wish. If it were 'a thing' then it might feel less rejecting to parents who chose the inital name. My concern if either of mine ever changed their names would be remembering it, but I'd not be offended.

And it might be a Zombie thread but clearly name changing is not totally unique and causes lots of feelings.

I voted YANBU. I’m not talking about your situation but in my family/culture there are names that are chosen not only by parents but also grandparents and have specific meanings and tell the story of that child’s birth so I’d be really sad to see them rejected by my children.

@DogInATent

I may be the odd one out, but I find it odd that we give children names at birth with the expectation it's for the duration of their life before we've found out who they are, before they establish a personality.

There are many decisions in life that are made/imposed on us before we have the capacity to decide four ourselves (name, religion, etc.). It would be nice to have the opportunity to reaffirm these to society with free choice, say at 18 or 21.

FWIW, more people now know me by a name I've chosen myself for social media rather than the one I was given or that appears on my passport.

I agree, it's odd babies are given a name and it's expected to be theirs for life, names are a very hot topic with new parents who are desperate to choose a name for their child that is 'unique' and means something to them. A quick browse of the baby names board will turn up some real stinkers... the poor kids stuck with some of them. Both of my dc have meaningful middle names and first names that can be shortened in a few ways, sound nice in full and aren't over used or too younique but honestly if either wanted to change later on I'd be fine with it- sometimes I wish id changed my own.

I know a good amount of people who use names other than their legal one, for some it's middle names, others it's something else they've chosen. One friend I'd known for years before I found out his name wasn't his legal name, it was only that we happened to be travelling together and the tickets were in his legal name. Another friend changed hers to the shortened version of her original full name because she preferred it and had lots of negative feelings attached to her original name (think like Elizabeth to Beth).

I know what you mean op, my dc is about to do exactly the same, I think the feelings of the daughter you are losing are tied up with the name. I am just concentrating on the lovely son I am gaining and trying to help them through best I can.
It is hard and you are allowed to have feelings about it too - have you spoken to your dc about it?

Bravo @ElephantsAlltheWayDown for taking time to reflect on your own feelings, to see them, to name them, to recognise them and in all that self care, for continuing to centre the relationship between you and your child. It is possible to do both!! Accept our children for who they are while at the same time accepting the feelings that we have. In the way people say you can never truly love anyone else until you can learn to love yourself, you can never fully support others in their feelings until you know how to identify and understand your own.

YANBU.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds difficult.

My DD changes her 'name she would like to be called' pretty much fortnightly, but I can imagine it would be really hard if you were attached to one special name.

In the end, it's her choice, though. She may come round to it again, of course. Teenagerhood is exactly when we question everything about ourselves and play with reconstructing ourselves.

Could you use the name for something else - would that help? So it's not 'lost'? It sounds like the name is very meaningful for you. What is it about it that you love and don't want to lose?

Oh, I realise this is an old thread. Had just read the OP's posts. Ooops.