My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

I agree with @TomPinch. We have a pandemic, Brexit and the biggest one of all: climate change.

Soon it won't matter if you are a boy, girl or cat. It will be a great leveller when the planet has enough of the human infestation.

There's always something bigger to worry about. Doesn't mean people can't still be upset about the 'little' things - they are big to the people whose lives are affected.

it wont be a great leveller-

the poor in third world countries will be affected the most, - and women and children will be disproportionately expected.
the good news is that nowadays those women will be able to identify out of their oppression.

You're not being unreasonable.

Giving a name is very personal and very special.
I'd be upset too.

@Prettybluepigeons at which point in my comment was I disrespectful to the OP? I understand how she feels and sympathize with her. In her own posts she stated that her child uses male pronouns and that she fully supports and respects him. So I'm not sure how I am being self-centered by having some empathy for both the OP and her child.

"Just as an aside, it was quite funny to see DC's last progress report from school. Different teachers using a mix of she, he and they (sometimes swapping mid-sentence). I understand that it's a lot to keep up with, especially when many students are changing names and genders all at once.

To add to it, DC continues to present as very feminine. No one is not confused, least of all DC. "

Hi OP, I'm a teacher and it's a nightmare to keep up with, especially if you are gender-critical as I am. Sadly the pupils who are most serious about being trans, and who get the most angry and aggressive if they are mid-gendered, and the autistic ones, often with a traumatic history. (Not saying this is the case with your DC at all btw).

I hope she accepts her essential female-ness soon, even if she does keep her name change. People change their names for many reasons; it's not a rejection of you.

I changed my name when I was 15
Hated my name
My mum was so sad.
Which i (now) get.
But i didnt wanna be called that dreadful name anymore as it wasnt ME. It was something she and my dad picked out when i was a mere bundle of cells.

20 years later and she still calls me by my birthname. it makes me wanna scream.

You are not U for feeling sad
But you should respect her wishes. She might come around again perhaps. Or she might not. But she is still your kid. Nothing about that will change. I feel it is more important for you DD to feel loved and happy. Then for you to not feel sad about a name..

What I'm getting from this is the OP's daughter is currently in a place where she's struggling with her identity and trying to figure out who she is. Which is totally normal in teenagers - I bet most of the posters here making scornful noises about how self indulgent it all is did something to assert their own identity at that age, whether it was adopting a new name, or getting a tattoo, or whatever. One of my friends changed her name to 'Ever', which was short for 'ever anticipating all death' or something very OTT and mad and goth (she doesn't use 'Ever' anymore).

In the case of this generation there is a load of experimentation with gender. In the vast majority of cases, it is just experimentation and she'll not want hormones or surgery and I really think the best thing to do in that case is treat it like you would any other teenage experimenting.

Having said that, if what she comes out of this with is feeling like she doesn't want to be a 'girlie girl', and maybe wants a more gender neutral name, then that's also OK, and I think OP should focus on supporting her daughter finding a positive sense of self and not trying to make her feel bad for not being the child the OP imagined.

Hi there OP
We are going through the same thing DD came out as non-binary yesterday and declared their new name. Immediately expecting us to drop the old one change their name on the school register. They had been using their new name in school for 6 months. We are totally accepting of their gender identity and sexual orientation, however the name change is causing us grief and upset. As parents a name is the first gift you give to your child. The middle name is taken from their grandmother. We absolutely respect their rights to change their name. However, it is impossible to ignore the feelings raised by the expectation if an immediate change without any conversation or discussion. It feels like a rejection of that first gift, a rejection of us. It feels, probably unfairly, like a selfish expectation for us to immediately drop the name by which we have loved and nurtured her for 15 years.

My childhood best friend changed her name when she was old enough. She isn’t trans, she just always hated the name she had been given. Her mum was really hurt at first but they’re all used to it now and it’s fine.

I know your situation is more complicated but I expect that the main thing that will help is time to get used to the change.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable to feel sadness and grief. Your feelings are valid and it’s totally ok to feel how you feel - no one can or should police your emotions.

What matters is what you do with those feelings, and it sounds like you are remaining a lovely supportive mum despite experiencing grief. Which is perfectly possible - those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

I wonder if her insistence that she is not going back to her old name is a way of saving face if she decides that she isn't trans after all - a kind of "see, I was right all along, I do have issues with my identity".

Knowing how stubborn teens I really worry about this aspect of the apparent contagious nature of transition - it will be so hard for so many of them to change direction and some will end up being swept along and get deeper and deeper into transition despite their misgivings.

No advice but I’d feel upset too.
What a weird old time our kids are living in.

yabu, but as has been said, gentle yabu. Would you expect your child to like a food/hobby/book/hairstyle because you do? Its their life, their self image not yours. You haven't lost anything real, just the dream you had...so be a bit sorry but celebrate the wonderful child you have and move on

@Malthus123

Hi there OP We are going through the same thing DD came out as non-binary yesterday and declared their new name. Immediately expecting us to drop the old one change their name on the school register. They had been using their new name in school for 6 months. We are totally accepting of their gender identity and sexual orientation, however the name change is causing us grief and upset. As parents a name is the first gift you give to your child. The middle name is taken from their grandmother. We absolutely respect their rights to change their name. However, it is impossible to ignore the feelings raised by the expectation if an immediate change without any conversation or discussion. It feels like a rejection of that first gift, a rejection of us. It feels, probably unfairly, like a selfish expectation for us to immediately drop the name by which we have loved and nurtured her for 15 years.

the name is not the person though...and how can it be a gift when the baby cannot accept it..the name is just put on them, they have no choice in it.

@SionnachRua

Yabu but gentle yabu. His name, his life, his wishes, his dreams.

I get that it hurts you as you'd have had all kinds of wishes for your child yourself and the name was part of that. I think the pp who said you may be piling your thoughts on the transition into this issue could be spot on.

This is a girl. You may feel you are being kind using “his”, do you ? I don’t think shoring up girls getting sterilised and their healthy body parts removed is kind. There is huge social contagion involved in this, none of these girls would have identified as trans a decade ago, my dd alone knows five girls identifying as trans. It is mostly girls doing this, and when you look at the porn soaked culture they are growing up in, it is not remotely surprising. This ideology is damaging girls, literally, and people who support this are failing teenage girls as a class.

zombie thread!

@Malthus123 if you want advice on your own situation it would be better to start a new thread as people are only going to answer the OP here.

Well, you can't control how you feel. But I don't think you can expect your children to keep their original names just because you gave these to them. Many non-trans people choose to use a first name other than that which they were given: often a middle name or nickname, but sometimes a completely new name.

@ButtWormHole

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

Don't you mean 'her'? And extra points for the hyperbole.

Sirvix has said it all much better than I could. She may yet revert to her birth name. It has to come from her though .Perhaps after the years of teenage omniscience have passed.

She's changed her mind about two big things twice already already. That's not throwing shade, that's just acknowledging that she is in a state of flux and struggling to find her identity. It's hard for young people nowadays with so much choice but conversely so much pressure to conform.

I would stay quiet about this. It's hurtful but she is as likely to change back on this as she is on anything else. If she doesn't then you will know it's really important to her and will be glad you didn't make a fuss.

Be proud that you have such a good relationship with her that she is able to discuss these difficult topics with you. She clearly loves you and trusts you. That's much more important than a name.

I have a friend who rejected her birth name - partly because of her relationship with her parents and partly because she'd been through a traumatic time and wanted to dissociate herself from that part of her life.

Several years later, she reverted back - mostly because she'd had a child by then and it changed her own understanding of her relationship with her parents and she was at peace with the trauma of that other part of her life.

My DS has told me he might be trans and a girl's name he likes but that is as far as it has gone. His friendship group are all girls. 2 are trans boys and the other identifies as lesbian or bi (I'm not sure which). While I have told him I will support him and love him whatever and there is no embarrassment in his feelings I have also gently talked about how being feminine/masculine has nothing to do with being a boy or girl. I do find it surprising how there are 2 trans, I possible trans and a gay DC in his group of 4. How much of this is peer pressure or teen rebellion?