My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

I think it’s normal to feel upset. I had a good friend at school who changed her name (no transitioning, just didn’t like her name), and it took me a good while to get used to it. I still feel a twinge even now 20 years later when I go to message her in my phone and have to search under her “new” name rather than her old one!

For me it’s the positive associations with the old name that I feel have now been lost, even though she’s exactly the same person.

Strange we would put so much value on a name but I guess it’s partly to do with how our brains are wired to make links between things.

But at the end of the day it’s her life and she needs to be happy with who she is. Good luck OP I’m sure your chilled approach will give the best outcome all round.

Completely understand. The names we give our children are a gift from us to them and changing their name would feel like a rejection.

I changed my first name at a solicitors when I was 29.
My Mother still refuses to use my 'new name' and I am now 53.
(I changed it because it reminded me of an abusive childhood & my Mother lied on my birth cert about my surname so really cant complain)

I have told both my children that if they wish to use a different name that is just fine by me. It's a very personal thing.

In your shoes OP I would use the name your child has chosen for the moment. They may change it back in time or stick with it, who knows?

YANBU to feel how you feel but you need to tread very carefully with your child.

A girl that now identifies as a male. The OP is using the pronouns from birth.

It’s an old thread btw. The OP is likely long gone.

Your feelings are your feelings and could never be unreasonable! What you do about them is another thing entirely.

Your child has rejected the beautiful, particular name you chose so lovingly and that's going to hurt. I'd figuratively lay the name by, wrapped in tissue paper for when she wants to reclaim it, as I expect she will.

Adolescence is a time of turmoil and struggle, never more so than today, and especially for girls. Just keep on loving and listening, watching and waiting, and don't let your hurt get into a competition with your child's. She's out there in a storm and you are her anchor, whatever she may say.

You sound like a great parent.

I think it’s a usual teen thing with the name. They are taking ownership of their body so push at what is theirs, but they didn’t choose.

i think there's a lot of people who don't particularly like their names.. myself included.

The only people who use it are my blood family, everyone else uses the nickname i chose for myself, which fits the persona i made for myself.

I'll never legally change it, but socially, i'm not my name, and haven't been for a few years.

@ElephantsAlltheWayDown

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

Her entire year group? Dear god what is happening in our schools? Whatever it is it’s damaging our children and leaving them confused. Mine are still only little and I’m dreading them getting to the age where all this identity politics gets rammed at them. I have no advice OP and can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you.

I mean, you said it yourself. You are being incredibly self centred. This isn’t about you.

This is just the direct consequence of lumbering your child with a weird “unique” name. It’s like marmite - your child themselves might not like it and it may even cause them issues socially and professionally. Life’s too short to be stuck with a name you hate, even if your mum thinks it’s perfect

I changed my name and honestly wish I did it sooner. A massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my self esteem has improved massively. I used to hate seeing my name on emails or social media and feel anxious introducing myself to people, as my name was so bloody weird and it conjured up a reputation that didn’t suit my identity

OP said the name was "unusual, but not 'out there'". I think you might be projecting.
Also, ZOMBIE THREAD.

Similar Issue here. My dc asked me to help them choose a new name and we spent ages on it before they chose a name I hated. I struggle to use the name because of that where as the pronouns etc is fine.

2020 THREAD! OP IS LONG GONE.

What's with resurrecting all these bloody Zombie threads?!

Why do people do it?

Rejecting your given name is like rejecting a gift. It’s awful imo. My name is terrible and I hate it but I’d never dream of changing it because it would hurt my mother.

Oh bless you, i understand its an emotive thing, choosing that name when your child is born. I can imagine its hard and I would feel the same.

Seems being trans is a bit trendy atm for young people?

You can hold the memories of your child as they were under their first name in your heart in the same way that we all hold our children, you have not lost anything. Their name now belongs to them alone.

The name choosing process is a pretty special part of the deal when you're expecting a baby. Totally understand your hurt OP. Not unreasonable at all. Some of us seem to 'feel stuff' more, and that's ok.

for you @ElephantsAlltheWayDown, we've been in much the same boat. I too have been unerringly positive, upbeat and supportive of DC, but my goodness the name thing really smarts. Especially transitioning back, but still not wanting their name. I don't know why it hurts, it should be such a tiny, unimportant thing, but it really does So no, I don't think YABU at all.

@Tuberoses

Rejecting your given name is like rejecting a gift. It’s awful imo. My name is terrible and I hate it but I’d never dream of changing it because it would hurt my mother.

A gift is suppose to be for the reciever not the giver and once given you have zero ownership of it anymore.

I cant believe there are actually people so self centered they would rather their children be miserable in their own indentity to spare their entitled feelings on something that not about them.

You also only have to use name website to see how selfish some people are when choosing name, yes everyone has to use a level of guesswork and could get it wrong but most try to be rounded in logic but some people deliberately dont care how their children might feel some day and argue to the death that only there own opinion matters.

Oh, my apologies for replying on this, just realised it's a zombie thread, why do people keep resurrecting ancient threads!!

@Myamoth

Oh, my apologies for replying on this, just realised it's a zombie thread, why do people keep resurrecting ancient threads!!

Why do people keep posting on them without out least reading a few of the previous posts which clearly sate ZOMBIE THREAD

Not quite the same but I was always known by a shortening of my name, when I was 11 and going to senior school I said I wanted to be known as a different shortening of my name. I actually cringe, even now nearly 60 years later, if someone uses the shortening I had as a child. I think it is funny if people use my proper name as it is so rare but that "baby" name that a little girl had many years ago - that's not me.

Why do people keep posting on them without out least reading a few of the previous posts which clearly sate ZOMBIE THREAD

Because their opinion is so valuable that reading anyone else's first is a waste of time. They must immediately furnish us, and OP, with their wise thoughts.

So they just read the OP and immediately reply, then move to the next thread that's desperately awaiting their input?