My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

Properly?

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

It's not clear from the posts which are the correct pronouns to use, and its an anonymous thread.

Nobody on this thread has the power to affirm or deny anyones innate identity, regardless of which pronouns they use.

@ButtWormHole

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

Fucking hell.

It's obvious why it's much clearer to use sex-based pronouns in this sort of discussion and there is nothing to suggest OP is anything but supportive and respectful to her DD IRL, but you have decided to be rude to an OP who is clearly struggling and came here for support?

#bekind

@ButtWormHole

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

What a singularly appropriate username.

@ButtWormHole

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

I do IRL. I was trying to not confuse posters. When speaking about it even in real life people get confused.

@Marmite27

I have a friend in the same situation, her child says they will never go back to their birth name, she says she feels like someone has died.

I have no advice.

Your friend has likely not experienced the actual death of your child vs your child changing their name.

I can tell you, from actual experience, that they’re not measurable on the same scale.

Really, not even remotely comparable.

Just as an aside, it was quite funny to see DC's last progress report from school. Different teachers using a mix of she, he and they (sometimes swapping mid-sentence). I understand that it's a lot to keep up with, especially when many students are changing names and genders all at once.

To add to it, DC continues to present as very feminine. No one is not confused, least of all DC.

“Like someone has died?!”
Oh my goodness- someone swapping gender isn’t anything like losing a child.
They are still essentially them.

OP, a friend of mine was in this exact situation, down to the mass "transition" of a peer group. It was misery. My friend has sought a geographical solution and it has worked a charm. Happy family has returned. The sacrifice has absolutely been worth it. If I ever find myself in this position, I will most definitely do the same.

@LonginesPrime

So what you’re saying is that parents should just assuage to whatever their teenage children say

No, I'm saying that telling them you're not going to drive them into town if they don't stop moaning about the things that are important to them but you deem silly might help the parent in that moment but isn't going to help the child in the long run.

We're talking about a teenager's name here - obviously they won't be able to change it without parental consent until they're an adult, so it's within the parent's right to refuse consent. But to dismiss their feelings about their own name as silly nonsense and remind them that you're in control seems inappropriate when it's obviously such an important issue to the child.

I can’t help but thing that a parent telling the child a couple of years ago (when they were younger - as a PP said, the older they get, the more independent they are) that changing gender/name/what have you was a bloody stupid idea and not possible might have avoided the older child being in a situation where they don’t know whether they are coming or going but have publically put themselves in a position (asking people to change names/pronouns) that’s very difficult to climb down from, and also involves going considerably against the social grain of their circle. Easier to have that conversation with a 12 year old than a 15 year old.

There’s also a salutary lesson in here for those who haunt the baby name boards!

When I was 15/16 I felt I didn't fit in. I didn't want to dress in a sexually provocative way, as my peers did, I only wanted to be friends with boys who felt 'safe' (either gay or very nerdy), I would go to pubs because that was what you did back then and feel that the whole experience was a horrible meat market. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian. I feel quite sure that had transgender been a thing then, I would have decided to be a boy too, if only to be able to wear comfortable, non-revealing clothes and not be subjected to both male and female scrutiny for somehow not being what I thought it had to mean to be a girl. When I got to university and met more clever, interesting, diverse young women, and started reading more widely, I realised that what I was wasn't a lesbian, but a feminist. I wonder if these (often very thoughtful) young girls who are identifying in their droves as boys are quite correctly rejecting the prevailing culture which turns young girls into sexual objects, but misidentifying why they reject it? If I were OP I would do nothing, say nothing, be supportive, use preferred name and pronoun etc, extract a promise of no surgery before at least 21 and wait for DD to blossom and hopefully work out for herself that she doesn't really want to be a boy.

Why not suggest she uses her current name as a middle name so she has some connection with it still and possibility to use it again. And hard as it is, support her name change and love her/him whatever she decides, although changing it just now while she's unsure isn't the best time. If she's wavering but totally determined to change it she could change it to a unisex name, with her middle name?

I felt like this about my name and tried on a couple of others for size until I was about mid-twenties and my dad married someone with my original name (although, she'd actually changed HER name to it). Suddenly I felt possessive with it.
She's just figuring herself out like all teens, don't make it an issue to avoid her digging her feet in.

You're undoubtedly grieving OP.

For the loss of your daughter more than anything most likely, which is a completely understandable and natural reaction.

Whether they de-transition or not to have the name you lovingly chose out rejected must have been hard to hear. But all you can do is support/encourage and quietly grieve alone.

However hard this is on you it must be even harder on your child. As a family, you'll all pull through together. Could you choose a new name together so that way you feel you have had an input?

I changed my name as an older teen and have never regretted it. I am now 39. I fully support anyone changing their name, and am happy for my own children to do so. My dad said he wouldn't use my new name so I just ignored him. He soon started using it! lf your child doesn't feel that their name suits them, it is brave of them to change it. I am proud of myself for doing so, as I did get some criticism at the time. You don't really have any choice but to accept it. It doesn't really matter does it? It is still the same person.

Jesus Christ, some of the anti-trans comments on here are staggering.

'About 54 percent of participants experienced a low amount of family rejection, about 31 percent experienced a moderate amount of rejection and about 14 percent experienced a high amount of rejection.

About 42 percent of participants reported attempting suicide at some point in their lives, and about 26 percent reported abusing drugs or alcohol.

People who faced a moderate amount of family rejection were about twice as likely to report attempting suicide than those with a low amount of family rejection. Those who experienced a high amount of family rejection were over three times as likely to report a suicide attempt.'

That is a direct quote taken from an independent study of the relationship between LGBT suicide rates and family rejection.

Regardless, 45% of transgender adults will attempt suicide. 90% will consider it.

Half of a minority will try and kill themselves because they hate themselves that much.

Half of them.

You may not agree with it, you may not respect it, but realise the consequences of the vitriol that you spew.

YANBU to be upset. You're entitled to have emotions.

Mine may not be the response you're looking for or one which will go down well with others but if your daughter were my child I'd continue to use the name she was given at birth.

This is how it is with my own children, despite that their friends all refer to them by shortened versions. (If I'd wanted my children to be referred to by shortened names I'd have named them the shortened goddamn version!).

Irrespective of the name game, I feel, as a pp has said, that the bigger by far worry is the claim to be trans.

I can’t help but thing that a parent telling the child a couple of years ago (when they were younger - as a PP said, the older they get, the more independent they are) that changing gender/name/what have you was a bloody stupid idea and not possible might have avoided the older child being in a situation where they don’t know whether they are coming or going but have publically put themselves in a position (asking people to change names/pronouns) that’s very difficult to climb down from, and also involves going considerably against the social grain of their circle. Easier to have that conversation with a 12 year old than a 15 year old.

But what's the point in saying "changing your name is bloody stupid and not possible"? It is possible and it's not stupid to a person who is uncomfortable with their name.

Most 12 year olds can google 'how do I change my name?' so finding out their parent is lying isn't great for the parent/child relationship, IMO.

OP, I think you're doing an amazing job and I wish I'd had a mum like you!

@canyoucallbacklater this is not about trans. It’s about a whole group of teens deciding they are boys. Which is ridiculous. And also ridiculous that parents and schools are supposed to indulge this nonsense.

@Biscuitsneeded

When I was 15/16 I felt I didn't fit in. I didn't want to dress in a sexually provocative way, as my peers did, I only wanted to be friends with boys who felt 'safe' (either gay or very nerdy), I would go to pubs because that was what you did back then and feel that the whole experience was a horrible meat market. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian. I feel quite sure that had transgender been a thing then, I would have decided to be a boy too, if only to be able to wear comfortable, non-revealing clothes and not be subjected to both male and female scrutiny for somehow not being what I thought it had to mean to be a girl. When I got to university and met more clever, interesting, diverse young women, and started reading more widely, I realised that what I was wasn't a lesbian, but a feminist. I wonder if these (often very thoughtful) young girls who are identifying in their droves as boys are quite correctly rejecting the prevailing culture which turns young girls into sexual objects, but misidentifying why they reject it? If I were OP I would do nothing, say nothing, be supportive, use preferred name and pronoun etc, extract a promise of no surgery before at least 21 and wait for DD to blossom and hopefully work out for herself that she doesn't really want to be a boy.

Mine is a similar tale - I hated the whole 'meat market' thing too and rejected all the typical feminine expectations. I loved football, rock music, wasn't interested in make-up, clothes, NKOTB or whoever the latest pop sensation was, boys, and was absolutely revolted by the thought of getting married and having children. Whilst I didn't feel like a lesbian, I did believe I should have been male.

Then I started Sociology A-Level at the local college and for some reason, ended up spilling this all out to my tutor. He directed me towards feminist literature and bingo! It all made sense - I was simply rejecting societal expectations.

OP, both your feelings and DC's feelings are valid. It's good you support her/his choices but also honestly process your feelings. I believe you are not just grieving the name but the daughter you had. Go through that process then celebrate the son you earn.
It's not fair I think to make you feel you should feel no loss. It reminds me of women whose husband's come out as gay and everyone celebrates that but the wife's feelings if they feel loss of a husband and a relationship they assumed is supposed to be non existent. I don't think the two processes are necessarily exclusive

Yabu. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if me DC changed their names. It’s just a name.

I know exactly how you feel OP. I am in the same position and it hurts like hell.
I get that it's their life, their choice and the rational part of me completely agrees with this view.
All of my principals say I have no right to object, no right to feel bad, that I should be totally supportive. I hope I am IRL and that they have no idea how I really feel.
I feel I have let them down, I also feel betrayed and unbelievably depressed about it. I should be over it, it happened 5 years ago, but I still hurt more than I thought possible. It unreasonable of me, it's irrational... but I still feel ...

Oh Riv. So many hugs to you