My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

This is standard teen girl nonsense. I also renamed myself when I was 15 to something I felt suited me better (obviously without all the trans/pronoun crap as that didn't exist when I was young). I never changed anything officially and after a year or two I just sort of forgot about it. I have used my official birth name ever since. Hang in there!

Pronouns are so tricky. My cousins child is a transgender man. He didn't change until he was in his 20s so for his entire childhood he was a girl. When we talk about him I normally remember him/he but when we reminisce about all the cousins when they were little, it seems odd to say him/he because he was still a girl back then. I also once referred to her raising 3 girls only to be corrected and told she raised 2 girls and a boy. It's all very tricky

I changed my name spelling at that age... oddly enough I later learned that my eldest sibling had done the same.

There are a lot of issues here. Try to deal with the trans issue low key. The more attention you give it the more it will become an big issue. I read once that motherhood is a succession of griefs, everything changes all the time. Then there's the griefs for the things you hoped for from them and you will never have, like grandchildren. Try to find the grace within yourself to accept change. Your, and your children's lives, will be easier. But take a firm line with sex. She always will be a female. Any more drastic changes should wait till she's adult, into her 20s. Your job is to hold the line. Easier in this country than elsewhere.

but it affects your DD so much more than it affects you

Its not a competition.

I completely understand how OP feels. A name is not just noun, its not just a neutral descriptor. Its part of who the person is and that works for those who refer to others by the name, as well as those who have that name. I would be gutted if one of my children changed their name. The new name just would not feel like them.

The name being bound up with their identity is just as powerful for the mother as the child. The mother needs understanding at this time too.

This trend is becoming more and more like a cult as time goes on.
If someone doesn't identify with their peers then they will be an outcast so of course they would join in.
Obviously teens are confused so they are going to be more suspectable.
I really find it hard to believe that a whole group of friends is suddenly trans..

@SionnachRua

Yabu but gentle yabu. His name, his life, his wishes, his dreams.

I get that it hurts you as you'd have had all kinds of wishes for your child yourself and the name was part of that. I think the pp who said you may be piling your thoughts on the transition into this issue could be spot on.

There are a ton of other pronouns trans people use. zie / zir sie/hir they/ them

Assuming male pronouns is pretty transphobic, really.

And you don't know that OPs DC isn't happy with sex-based pronouns either.

Why do you have to go along with this? In my culture it’s perfectly common for example for parents to have a name for their child which is totally different to what the kids are known as by everyone else. Pet name vs proper name, mums family name vs dads family name etc.

I really worry when people on the baby name forum put so much weight on finding the One True And Perfect Name for their child. Because you are always naming another autonomous person, who can choose to do whatever they want with their name later. Many people, without going through legal name change, prefer to be known by something that isn't on their birth certificate - a shortened form, a nickname, a middle name or whatever. I think it's important for parents to sit loosely to their name choices - they aren't naming a pet or a doll, but an actual human being, who you are raising to be an independent adult.

So I understand why this feels very emotional in this particular situation, but I do think you need to let go of the feelings around the name, and focus on your ongoing relationship with your child.

THIS THREAD IS NEARLY A YEAR OLD

@Malthus123 you might want to start your own thread or at least tag the OP in if you are asking her to update or whatever @ElephantsAlltheWayDown

Agree @BountyIsUnderrated

No feeling is unreasonable. If you feel grief stricken, go with it. Feel the grief and then you can start to move through it.

I'd be so upset if my DD did this so I don't think YABU at all. My sister changed her name from a really lovely, classic name to a really unusual "trendy" one. Family all still call her by her birth name and she's said she doesn't have a problem with that. It's a bit strange though.

Oh OP, I really get how you must feel.

You're not being unreasonable to feel that way, you are probably going through a bit of a grieving process. It's hard because when we have children, when we name them, it's so deeply associated with our hopes for them and our entire idea of what it means to have a child. But then they are their own person, and we have to accept that that might be different from our hopes for them.

Thought you might like this poem.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
 For they have their own thoughts.
 You may house their bodies but not their souls,
 For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
 For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
 You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
 The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
 Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
 For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Not going to comment on the trans thing, just the name change.
I think a lot of people get over invested when choosing their children's names, to be honest. No matter how carefully you choose it, how much you love it, how much it means to you, it is the child's name. You're choosing it on their behalf. If they don't like it when they're older, for whatever reason, then let it go and allow them to choose one they feel comfortable with.

And you don't know that OPs DC isn't happy with sex-based pronouns either.

I do actually because OP stated that in the thread. If you'd read it, you'd have seen that. You'd probably also have noticed that this thread is a year old.

"Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group"

Similar to what has happened at my friend's school. Her daughter 14 and several friends are now 'gender fluid' they sometimes say they are gay, then straight, then both, they identify as female then male and then neither. It is currently fashionable to change with the wind.

Someone seems to enjoy fucking up with emotional, hormonal children. If they were left to their own devices without pressure groups promoting their own agendas then they would work out what they are or are not in their own time.

You should never feel guilty about your feelings OP

Your feelings are valid, also you can’t help how you feel

It’s actions where you have a choice, and as long as you support her, that’s what counts.

Ah

Zombie thread ?

Lots of people don’t like the name they were given at birth. You should be grateful that you have a child that is able to talk to you about these things. It’s not a personal attack on you.

I think it’s just fashionable to say you’re non binary or trans without genuinely feeling that way. I don’t think many people are genuinely trans, it’s just a bandwagon people are jumping on right now. When I was at school everyone wanted to be bisexual, that was cool for some reason.

It’s not about you
It’s about him ,his life his name
You don’t own him ,he’s not your possession.
Don’t drive him away .
I speak from experience

As PP I changed my name at 18.

It shouldnt have even been a suprise as I went by the nickname of the name I changed it too for a decade before it was officially changed

Basically my birth name Jessica was picked just because it was the top name at the time, my 'pet name' was Jessie Cat like from postman pat and over time I ended up going by just 'Cat' for 10 years then offically changed name to Catrina because no one ever called me Jessica and I never liked it or even responded to it - cue sudden outrage from people who had called me Cat all my life lol.

People STILL got offended even though nothing changed they would still be calling me Cat except suddenly many got passive aggressive about it and started only refering to me as 'Jessica' when they never had before, its still the same 15 years later.

Honestly it just makes them look stupid and immature and I just ignore them or if others are around and they are clearly attempting to talk to me I point out 'you must be confused because my names Catrina'.

It made me think worse of a lot of people honestly, I really saw how petty they could be over something that had no baring on their life at all.

YANBU. I can see why you'd be hurt and your feelings are valid. I won't assume to know as I don't know your DD but it may be a peer pressure sort of thing rather than a gender identity thing as you've said the whole peer group is doing it as well. Just know that by her rejecting her name it doesn't mean she us rejecting you. It sounds like she's trying on some new things and seeing how it makes her feel. She may decide to detransition at some point, maybe not. The best thing you can do is to keep on showing her love.

I changed my name as a teen too. Aged 12 I wouldn't speak to anyone unless they used my new one and then changed it be deed poll aged 18. (Found out later you can do at 16 which annoyed me.) I've never regretted it.
I would be upset if one of my DC changed their names, although overall I think I'd be more concerned about what they were changing it to and checking it wasn't too awful. Ultimately if you say your DC is called X people will assume you chose X so wouldn't want X to be something embarrassing :).