My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

Seeing as the OP stated that her child has come out as a trans boy, and that she was using birth pronouns, it is safe to assume that they either wish to use he/him pronouns OR they/them. It is not about not hurting someone's feelings it is about being respectful. I don't how some people here were brought up, but I was brought up to be respectful to others regardless of whether or not they are reading/hearing what is said about them. .

OP yanbu to grieve the name and daughter you have 'lost' - as long as you are being supportive and loving towards your child and not ignoring their wishes. However, it is not your life to live and your child cannot hide who they are just to make others comfortable because that will only make them miserable. They do sound quite young, and not entirely certain of their identity yet which is fine, give them the freedom to explore their identity and find out for themselves. It may be that they are non-binary and so don't feel completley comfortable as a man or a woman, or just that they don't feel that they fit in with what society expects of their gender. Only they know how they are feeling inside and it can be a very lonely, scary thing to feel so confused. They will always be your child though and all you can do is love and support them. I think most parents of trans-gender children do feel a certain sense of loss, but try to think of it as gaining a son. Is there a male equivalent of the name you had chosen? Or do you have a particular boys name that you like

PS OP you sound like a wonderful mother, and if this ever happens with one of my children, I hope I’ll be as supportive as you are.

Posted too soon sorry, there might be a boys name or an androginous name that they might be more comfortable with and they might be happy to have your input on that.

@midgebabe

I think fad was a very bad word, it implies some choice , but social contagion / influencing /reaction is present in Anorexia as well as trans identification

This..Yes, Perhaps 'Fad' wasn't the best word.

Social contagion is much better.

Anorexia spread like wildfire {as did dramatic suicide attempts} in a place I lived as a teenager.
Girls frantically competing as to whom could be the thinnest, who could be on the most restricted diet. and hog the shared bathrooms for cold baths to ''burn calories'' It was indeed a type of Social contagion.

A very intense 'friendship group' with lots of dramas and fallings out.

It isn't easy being a teenager.

“Even if she de transitions”

If she was serious, truly believed, then this wouldn’t even occur to her.

I would be much much more worried re whether she’s just got caught up in the issue and this is just a phase.

Seeing as the OP stated that her child has come out as a trans boy, and that she was using birth pronouns, it is safe to assume that they either wish to use he/him pronouns OR they/them. It is not about not hurting someone's feelings it is about being respectful. I don't how some people here were brought up, but I was brought up to be respectful to others regardless of whether or not they are reading/hearing what is said about them. hmm.

I was brought up to be respectful TO other people. As far as I know, the OPs dc is not part of this conversation, so no need to be respectful TO her.

I was also taught to be truthful. The child's sex is female, so it is truthful to use the according pronouns when speaking ABOUT her while she is not present. That's the difference.

Truth is as important to me as respect. We know she is a girl, so no need to lie about it here, lie to ourselves. The OP knows she has a daughter, and so do we.

Surely most of us go through an awkward phase in our adolescence were we don’t feel quite “right” , we are trying to figure out who we are and what our place in the world is.

The recent trend of wanting to label everyone and then affirmation of what that label is at all costs is unhelpful and dangerous.

We need to teach our children and young adults to accept the bodies they were born in.

Social contagion is real. I remember a big friendship group when I was at school...every single one of them was self harming. Now I know self harm is a very real problem and many do suffer from it...but even as a teenager observing them, I felt like there was an element of group think and behaviour.

Seeing as the OP stated that her child has come out as a trans boy, and that she was using birth pronouns, it is safe to assume that they either wish to use he/him pronouns OR they/them

Agreed, furthermore it’s her son, not daughter, now.

I have a friend who changed her first name to reject a period of her life - her mother took it as a rejection of the family (it wasn't).

Many years later she changed back to her original name. It reflected a process that she went through. Her mother was devastated and, iirc, had died before the name change back.

It's painful but not entirely uncommon.

@Malahaha it is possible to respect others even when they are not a part of the conversation. The truth is that currently the OP's child identifies as male. Whilst I am aware that alot of people on mumsnet are very trans phobic, I fail to see how being respectful of someone's wishes - regardless of whether or not they are aware of that - is a problem.

The thing is it does not hurt you in any way what so ever to use the preferred pro-nouns, it may however hurt the person who's wishes are being ignored if were to find out.

@formerbabe

Social contagion is real. I remember a big friendship group when I was at school...every single one of them was self harming. Now I know self harm is a very real problem and many do suffer from it...but even as a teenager observing them, I felt like there was an element of group think and behaviour.

Definitely the case.

Never heard of 'Social contagion' before today, but when I said 'Fad' -erroneously- I meant the spreading of actions and trends.

For good and ill.

I didn't ever say 'becoming vegetarian' was 'worrying', but used it to illustrate the fact that lots of us became vegetarian overnight, after the Popular girl announced she was now a Vegetarian..It was an ''influenced trend''.

I understand your worries, I really do, but it isn't grief you're feeling.

You're not the OP. It's not for others to tell how how she feels or doesn't feel. She alone knows, and is well able to articulate that for herself.

Carrotcakecrumbs- how about being kind to and respecting the wishes of the person who started the thread, the person who started the conversation and is asking for support instead of pushing your your agenda in such a self centred way?

It may be that they are non-binary and so don't feel completley comfortable as a man or a woman, or just that they don't feel that they fit in with what society expects of their gender.

It doesn't help the OP, but this would be the common human experience.

but try to think of it as gaining a son.

I think that is silly. The OP cannot 'gain a son' unless you are talking about sexist sterotypes.

HOWEVER, all children become adults and fundamentally that means they can make their own choices. I think it is very reasonable to feel hurt and rejected OP, but many children reject things that are important to their parents while maintaining a close relationship. Be proud of the fact that it sounds as though your relationship can withstand this.

@CarrotCakeCrumbs I am not transphobic. I just do not believe that it is possible to change sex, and I don't believe in gender as a thing. I can respect a person who is not present by caring about their well-being, and I do care, very much about OPs' DC, and respect her, as I respect all children and wish them all the best.

If I were speaking to her, I would address her as you. If I am speaking *of" her, and she is present, I would probably use the pronouns she desires. If she is not present, I feel most respect for her by not pandering to her false idea that she is a boy. Because she isn't. That, to me, is respect. It seems that OP feels the same way, and I would like to respect OPs decision.

This is not transphobia, which means "fear of" transpeople. I do not fear them. I simply do not believe in gender as a distinct identity, or that one can change sex, and that opinion is valid.

My brother changed his name - his first name was not an excellent name. It did take my DM about a year to get it right first time. I often feel my name isn't 'really very me'.

There are cultures where people get new names at coming of age ceremonies. And the name means a lot to you but your DC didn't choose it.

So I'd try to find a way to be supportive that they've found a name they want. On the trans issue I'd try to counsel against anything permanent e.g. hormones, surgery etc just keep the communication lines open

Your reaction to this name change (superficially supportive, acknowledgement it’s her life, her identity etc...) might be all that she needs to feel some control of her life and identity. It might just be enough to stand proud amongst her peers and step off a conveyor belt of pressure, confusion, defiance, frustration that might lead her onto a double mastectomy, hormones etc... The pressure teenage girls are under in these fucked up days of identity politics is horrific. Swallow your feelings on the name issue. Acknowledge her feelings. And hope and pray it ends there and she can go on loving her life, developing her identity and finding out what it means to be a woman in this world instead of pressing the eject button.

OP, I see where you're coming from, but I think that, in addition to the Gibran poem, it's important to remember that your DC's experience of their name will be different from yours.

To you, the name is something positive that you feel very passionately about, but your DC clearly has different associations and for whatever reasons, she doesn't share your view.

It's completely normal for parents and children to have different tastes, needs, desires, associations and experiences, so while I understand it's disappointing that something that was so beloved by you has been rejected by your DC, it's a natural part of parenting that this should happen in one form or another.

It's perhaps less common that people change their names, but often these kinds of issues arise about parents' interests, career aspirations, etc - it happens all the time and DC coming of age and breaking free of their parents' expectations for them has always been a common theme in literature and movies.

It stands to reason that if your DC has been pondering their outward identity and how that squares with their own self-perception, and have realised both (1) the significance of one's name as a part of one's identity and (2) that names and other signifiers of outward identities can easily be changed to anything the bearer wants, they would come to consider whether they feel their birth name is genuinely the one they want to stick with.

My DD doesn't like her name and, as a child, wanted to change it because of her negative experiences of that name. At the time she was too young to decide for herself but was happy to go by an unexpected contraction and felt that was more 'her' (think Victoria to Tori rather than Vicky, but not that actual name). I still love the name but I can absolutely see where she's coming from. She's a teen now and she hasn't mentioned changing it for several years, but because we went through this when she was younger, I've had time to make my peace with her possible future name change.

My DD is the one who'd have to live with the name and her being a daughter to me is only a tiny sliver of who she is as a whole person.

It will take time, but you'll get over it, honestly!

My DD has changed their name a couple of times now. First time was to a different girls name, 2nd time they “came out” as non binary so now have a boys name.
First time it hurt. It felt like a rejection of her whole childhood. I didn’t give a negative reaction and tried to be as supportive as I possibly could. I apologised if I called them the wrong name. Now I need to keep track of using the correct pronouns which is difficult especially when we are talking about the past when they were a girl.
It’s challenging but you’ll get through it. Your child is on their own journey and any objections you have probably won’t be heard.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story).

Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?
Sorry I don't mean this to sound flippant but this just jumped out at me....

I hope my questions don't come across as disrespectful in any way, that isn't my intention.

How old is she?
I would express disappointment but don't make too much of a big deal of it. There won't be anything legally she can do until she is 18 I don't think but you can't stop her asking to be known as something else (though I suppose school might not be too keen lest everyone start doing the same).
I know at least two people who experimented with different names in their teens and said they were going to change it legally etc. They never did and eventually went back to their given names.

A name change its the lesser of two 'evils' (not that any of the two issues are literally that, just how the saying goes). If you only have to worry about a name change, rather than physical and irreversible change.
I would be grateful, but I also understand how hard it is as so many memories of your motherhood experience will be tied to the name you chose.

The advice about talking and asking if it can be kept as a middle name is a good compromise.