Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

310 replies

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 06/09/2020 09:14

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

OP posts:
tantamountto · 06/09/2020 12:02

Maybe saying that she is a boy is a way of her trying to get some control, and changing her name will give her that and will make it easier for her to accept that she is a girl. It's a small price to pay.

oakleaffy · 06/09/2020 12:02

@Bluesheep8

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story).

Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?
Sorry I don't mean this to sound flippant but this just jumped out at me....

Hence PP mentioning ''Social contagion'' . It is common amongst young people, but especially girls.
Kit19 · 06/09/2020 12:05

You are not unreasonable to feel sad OP. You with thought & love chose a name for them and of course it hurts that that name (at the moment at least) has been rejected.

However it is their life & if they feel that their given name just isn’t them then I can understand them wanting to change it

They’re not rejecting you even though it must feel like it xxx

CasuallyMasculine · 06/09/2020 12:07

@Prettybluepigeons

Carrotcakecrumbs- how about being kind to and respecting the wishes of the person who started the thread, the person who started the conversation and is asking for support instead of pushing your your agenda in such a self centred way?
In a nutshell.
SeasideMaiden · 06/09/2020 12:07

It sounds very much like your child's name is probably very girly or perhaps twee, nothing wrong with that at all, but if they're feeling it represents a person which they feel they aren't, then they've every right to change it. My eldest has a unisex name and I'm super grateful because whilst she doesn't want to be a boy, she rejects anything typically female. My youngest has a name you would never give a boy in a million months of sundays. But she's very happy in her body and very feminine. It has made me think, how sensible it is to make sure one of the names we give our children is one which isn't too out there, or is also unisex... My youngest has a middle name which is unisex and I'm grateful now because if she decided (doubtful) that she wasn't identifying as female anymore, she could just go by the middle name of the wanted. Same reason my nephews have very normal middle names - in case they grow up and don't like their slightly hippy sounding first names.

I don't think I could get worked up if either child changed their name by deedpole if that was really what they wanted. But I did it as a 19 year old and I wish I had gone through a solicitor instead because I used a website, none of my paperwork matched up a few years ago when I tried to get passports for my children.

Hangingbasketofdoom · 06/09/2020 12:08

The thing is it does not hurt you in any way what so ever to use the preferred pro-nouns
Lying hurts me, it's a sin in fact imo.
I would still do it if it was my child involved as I wouldn't want to hurt them, but it absolutely would hurt me to do it.

Bluesheep8 · 06/09/2020 12:08

oakleaffy thank you. I wasn't familiar with the term. Thank you for explaining.

Bluesheep8 · 06/09/2020 12:09

And I didn't realise how common it was.

CasuallyMasculine · 06/09/2020 12:09

Social contagion is real.

There has been a 4000% increase in the number of girls referred to GIDS saying they identify as boys. This government promised an inquiry into it, but there has nothing so far. Maybe they feel it would spoil their chances of re-election.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 06/09/2020 12:14

I can't get over that her whole peer group have all announced they are male - that is so bizarre and worrying.

We had a large cluster of ROGD in our school- all girls, mostly friendship driven. I know many schools never get this but in the last 5 years I've heard of several schools (through fellow teachers) which have clusters.

Assuming the NC isn't yet legal, I really would just wait and see. Be as supportive as you can while keeping her grounded in reality and make sure you have systems in place to prevent any potential harm online.

oakleaffy · 06/09/2020 12:15

@Bluesheep8

oakleaffy thank you. I wasn't familiar with the term. Thank you for explaining.
@Bluesheep8 I wasn't familiar with it either! I had used the word 'Fad' in relation to teenagers picking trends up and running with them which was thoughtless, but 'Social contagion' sounds a bit scary.

'Social influencing' ??

Some of us can surely remember the 'Hunt the identity' we went through as Teenagers.
it is a time in which we are quite malleable.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 06/09/2020 12:19

The truth is that currently the OP's child identifies as male.

@CarrotCakeCrumbs Genuine question: can you please explain what that means? How can you identify as something, rather than identifying something?

Surely something is either male or female (or both if it's a plant) and in mamals this is usually easy to identify?

aceyace · 06/09/2020 12:19

I have the same age dd wanting to transition and has registered a male name at college and I feel sad as I think she's so confused but I will stand back and wait and see

Bluesheep8 · 06/09/2020 12:23

Some of us can surely remember the 'Hunt the identity' we went through as Teenagers.
it is a time in which we are quite malleable.

Gosh yes, definitely. But amongst myself and my peers it was about appearance/style/which 'gang' you were in. In my school you were a swot, a trendy, a goth, or a sporty. Heavily influenced by music choices. I honestly don't recall sexuality featuring anywhere.

oakleaffy · 06/09/2020 12:27

@CasuallyMasculine

Social contagion is real.

There has been a 4000% increase in the number of girls referred to GIDS saying they identify as boys. This government promised an inquiry into it, but there has nothing so far. Maybe they feel it would spoil their chances of re-election.

Four thousand percent increase? That is a statistically significant number, surely.

What is driving this trend?
It does seem to be a 'recent' phenomenon.

I asked a mother about how her little boy was...To be told..'I no longer have a little boy'..
My heart sank...I thought some ghastly accident had befallen him..then to my relief, she said ''I have two daughters now''

Her little boy had decided he wanted to be a girl..
He was 4 yrs old at the time.

He chose a female name for himself, and his mum threw out all his boy's clothes.

Wether her DC will remain as a girl remains to be seen...At least if no hormones are given, it will be easy to revert back to a boy.

Hormones and surgery make that far more tricky, obviously.

Bluesheep8 · 06/09/2020 12:27

My apologies, I meant gender

overnightangel · 06/09/2020 12:30

Not RTFT but the fact she’s said “If I detransition” shows what a mess this whole thing is and how teenage minds are being manipulated

overnightangel · 06/09/2020 12:33

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story)

The change of name is the LEAST worrying thing here

LoeliaPonsonby · 06/09/2020 12:34

I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

Adults have the benefit of knowing what will pass, and that you’ve got the rest of your (adult, mature) life to fiddle about with things. I can’t help but feel that this constant affirmation of children whenever they want to change diet/religion/gender identity is just another way of reaffirming that there was something wrong with their original state. They need boundaries (we all do!).

Massive alarm bells rang at the fact all her mates suddenly want to be trans. It’s a nonsense and needs to be nipped in the bud, if for no other reason that if there are serious issues to be addressed, then an en masse “transitioning” isn’t going to help anything.

Prettybluepigeons · 06/09/2020 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 06/09/2020 12:37

I do wish people would not say that the OP has a son now and not a daughter. She doesn't. Her child is a biological female. Moreover, she is child who is currently very confused and who may or may not transition in the future. Nothing is set at this point. If, as an adult, she does transition, the OP will likely refer to her child as 'he' because that's a social nicety. But the fact remains that the OP has a daughter.
You cannot change sex like it's a pair of shoes.

YouJustDoYou · 06/09/2020 12:37

Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?

It's statistically proven that this is what happens.

TurkeyTrot · 06/09/2020 12:41

My youngest DC identifies as non-binary and uses a name that is equally used by males and females.

They no longer use the very lovely (but unmistakeably gendered) birth name I gave them. I miss that, but the new name is fine.

Decentsalnotime · 06/09/2020 12:44

@LoeliaPonsonby

I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

Couldn’t agree more

madroid · 06/09/2020 12:48

Could she have a male nickname without the fuss of doing it legally.