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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

310 replies

ElephantsAlltheWayDown · 06/09/2020 09:14

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

OP posts:
Malahaha · 06/09/2020 10:28

Nope, I meant what I said. I always use the pronouns a person wishes me to use about them. OP says he might detransition which I fully respect and in that case I'd use she/her.

Is the OPs DC reading this thread, then, that you feel you have to comply, so as not to hurt their feelings? I feel more inclined to comply with the OPs correct use of pronouns. Otherwise we are all just unnecessarily pandering to someone who isn't even present. If they ARE reading, it's a different matter. Perhaps.

HermioneGranger20 · 06/09/2020 10:30

YANBU OP. There are 4 kids I know of in my son's school all transitioning. 3 girls to boys and one boy to girl. 2 of them are siblings. I've wondered if it's just a trend at the school but who knows. I personally would be upset if my child got rid of his name.

Viviennemary · 06/09/2020 10:34

I wouldn't be pleased either. I wouldn't let a child change his/her first name for whatever reason. When they're older they can do what they like. The trans issue is different. I don't know how I'd deal with that. I wouldn't allow medication.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 06/09/2020 10:34

@Yaottie

By rejecting her name she's not rejecting you - she may feel that she just doesn't fit her name especially if it's a "girly" one and she's struggling with her identity anyway
This basically

You are not being unreasonable

ChristmasinJune · 06/09/2020 10:35

YANBU to feel sad and hurt and to grieve for the name you chose so carefully when your dd was born. If you had said that you were trying to persuade them to keep it now I'd have said I understood but YABU. At the end of the day all of this is your DC choice and your best course of action is to support and advise without putting them under further pressure. They sound very confused at the moment.
Without pressure and bad feeling around it, you may well find that they revert to their original name once they have explored and are more secure about who they are.

Daphnise · 06/09/2020 10:38

It does seem this name is all about you, and although it may be hurtful it's not now your choice, it was years ago, but no longer.

People do change names for various reasons.

I have a relative who changed name, but I continue to think of them only be the old name, and refer to them as such among others, but as they have been very specific, and it seems pointless to cause offence, would only call them by the new name.

midgebabe · 06/09/2020 10:38

I think fad was a very bad word, it implies some choice , but social contagion / influencing /reaction is present in Anorexia as well as trans identification

BubblyBarbara · 06/09/2020 10:41

A name is the biggest gift you can give your child but it sounds like your son has used it for many years and is now moving beyond. He can’t be expected to keep a feminine name.

DidoAtTheLido · 06/09/2020 10:42

“One sees it with Anorexia and in a far less worrying way, becoming vegetarian

WTAF. Anorexia is not a fucking 'fad' “

Agreed, Anorexia is a very serious illness.

However, there are girls schools (in particular) where eating disorders appear to be to some extent influenced amongst groups.

I live close to 2 high performing, arguably higher pressure, private girls schools. In one there is a high incidence of eating disorders, in the other a high incidence of self harm. Both acknowledged by the respective schools who are looking to tackle it.

It’s not right to call it a fad, but the role of peer influence should not be dismissed.

DidoAtTheLido · 06/09/2020 10:43

A name is the biggest gift you can give your child

Really?

Duemarch2021 · 06/09/2020 10:45

Oh no, I think a lot of young people these days see it as "fashion" to change their gender unfortunately. I don't mean all.. but what are the chances of an entire friendship group trully wishing to change. It sounds like shes unsure and just doing it to fit in for now but maybe shes struggling to find herself and this is why she is feeling she wishes to change her name. Maybe she's wanting control over something as she feels she not in control. It sounds like shes struggling with identity and unhappy with who she is.. could she see a councillor? Maybe she simply doesn't like her given name.. but id refrain from changing it by depol for now and just call her the preferred name whilst using given name on paperwork until shes worked things out...i actually had a friend who did this and eventually she started using her given name again when she was an adult x

ArabellaScott · 06/09/2020 10:47

I always use the pronouns a person wishes me to use about them. OP says he might detransition which I fully respect and in that case I'd use she/her.

You've absolutely no idea what the OP's daughter wishes. How bloody rude and virtue signalling.

OP. my sympathies. I wonder if you could take the name yourself, somehow? It is clearly meaningful for you.

I've never felt happy about choosing my children's names. I really think I would be delighted if they chose their own at some point, something they had grown into or found for themselves. In reality, we all often end up with many names over a lifetime, some of them for different situations. And some of them chosen!

Malahaha · 06/09/2020 10:48

Why is becoming vegetarian in any way worrying? I realise it can be a hassle for some parents re cooking, but worrying?

Re the OP: when I was about 9 I also wanted a boy's name and got my mum to add a middle name to my birth certificate, a name that could be shortened to a boy's name. Everybody called me that name, even at school, for many years. Then I changed my mind and reverted to my original name. Thank goodness, trans wasn't a thing at that time and nobody thought I was actually a boy. I just wanted to have more adventures and not play with dolls.

As long as there is no medical intervention, I think it's OK to accept the name and play along, not make a fuss. Wishing you all the best, OP!

SionnachRua · 06/09/2020 10:51

@BubblyBarbara

A name is the biggest gift you can give your child but it sounds like your son has used it for many years and is now moving beyond. He can’t be expected to keep a feminine name.
This is a very valid point and as we all know, names carry so much baggage with them. Just look at the baby names board for examples. Naming someone does involve making certain statements on their behalf.

If someone feels that a name doesn't fit them - for whatever reason - then surely a name change is a good response? Maybe they'll become more widespread in the future.

Rockbird · 06/09/2020 10:51

My 8yo decided two years ago or more that she wanted to be known as a different name. She wants to do it at school and legally but I've told her she's too young yet. However, we do our best to use her new name and friends and family know it. I don't know if it will stick, she's very determined. But much as I'm sorry she doesn't like her original name, it's her choice. She's the one that's living with it. You just have to let them get on with it.

RunnerRunner · 06/09/2020 10:52

It’s a phase and all her friends are doing it, smile and nod. It’s funny how there wasn’t a single person in my year or indeed entire school who switched genders, my husband is a high school teacher and he finds it hard to keep up with who is chopping and changing going by different names etc, there’s so many.

There’s a vv small proportion of kids who will eventually change genders I’m sure but I just group it in with the goth phase. The weird kids who wanted to be different wore black and pierced their faces when I was at school/college, now they just switch genders. I’m sure she’ll come out the other side don’t stress.

CasuallyMasculine · 06/09/2020 10:53

For those arguing over pronoun usage, go to one of the zillion other threads about exactly that.

Not up to you who posts on this thread or what they post.

NibbleCushion · 06/09/2020 10:56

I hate my name, I wish I'd changed it years ago.
I've had to live with my mother's choice for 50 years.

I shortened it but I wish I'd had the balls to change it legally.

tornadoalley · 06/09/2020 10:56

Very understandable. Her name signifies to you her whole being, her childhood and her personality, which you love. I'm sure it feels like everything you know and love is going to change to the unknown. Children grow into their names and it does signify who they are.

Someone9 · 06/09/2020 10:57

Gosh that must be so hard to deal with. You sound like a lovely supportive mum - I'm not sure I'd be so tolerant! An entire peer group deciding they're "trans" is bonkers. All you can do is continue to support her and hope by the time she matures and peer pressure eases she'll see it all for what it is. YANBU to feel sad about her name but honestly that would be the very least of my worries.

eaglejulesk · 06/09/2020 10:58

I do feel for you OP, but still voted YABU. The name might be lovely to you, but it isn't your name, and if your DD feels "it's just not her" and she would be happier being called something else then it's her decision to make.

Devlesko · 06/09/2020 11:00

At 15 she my grow out of it, so many are doing this at the moment, it's almost like a fashion.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/09/2020 11:04

You aren't grieving. Believe me you aren't

You haven't lost anything, you have raised a child who loves you, feels confident talking to you about tough subjects, is able to articulate their wishes to you feeling confident they will be accepted.

You gave your child their name, they have now decided it doesn't suit them. Would you 'grieve' if your child dyed their hair? Or got a tattoo?

I have a transgender child. I understand your worries, I really do, but it isn't grief you're feeling. With all due respect you're making this about you, when it really isn't, the things that you have given your child that mean something in reality are still there, morals, values, honesty and love. A name means nothing compared to your childs comfort.

malificent7 · 06/09/2020 11:05

If she now wants to be a he then im afraid a feminine name won't do. It would be a big wrench when an Amanda wants to be a Bob. But i think that's the issue...you are grieving your dd becoming a son. You want to love and support him/ her unconditionally but are gutted at the same time. Yanbu to feel all mixed up about this.

Nomorepies · 06/09/2020 11:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.