My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

For clarity I'm going to use DC's birth pronouns here.

When DD was born I gave her a lovely first name -- the best first name I had ever heard and one I had been saving for a daughter ever since I came across it. It's unusual but not "out there", and has a lot of meaning to me and in general just sounds really lovely.

Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group, but that's another story). She's struggled with her identity as trans and has questioned whether she really is many times, so I don't think it's likely to stick long term.

Yesterday we were chatting and she said that even if she detransitions she's not going to use her given name again because "it's just not her".

This seems like such a minor issue but it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really gutted (for the record, I didn't tell her this). Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? It's her name after all. I feel like something has been taken away from me, which seems self centred, really. How do I grieve this and move past it?

This sounds very hard. There are some good resources online for parents in your situation, which you may already be aware of. 4th Wave Now is a US site but they are very good and link to UK sites. Or post on the feminism threads to connect with other mums who have been/are going through similar.

Re. the name, I would just wait it out. She might decide to change her name or she might let it go but I suspect if you focus on it, it will push her further towards a change. It's good she is talking about detransitioning. I wish you lots of luck.

I can understand why you’d feel that way, OP, but that isn’t how she meant it.

Another poster who knows the OP’s DC personally? Who’d have thought it?

You are not unreasonable at all to feel upset, if this was such a special name to you. But if your DD is having lots of identity issues try and not feel like it is a rejection of your choice of name. Try and celebrate your DD choosing a new name she is happy with and starting a new chapter. Self discovery is really hard and as parents we just need to help them along the way. Btw I think in the future more and more people will change their birth names.

@ChickenwingChickenwing

I would be much more concerned about the trans issue than the name change here.

I wonder if this is the issue..After all,

''A rose is just as sweet by any other name''

The fact that it does seem that changing ones gender seems incredibly common these days.

I wanted desperately to be a boy as a kid - they just seemed to have a whole lot more fun, I wanted a willy, too! {at age 6}

But it was just a phase. Nowadays, my parents might have taken it seriously.. but they thought nothing of it...made zero fuss, just forced me into ''Nice dresses'' on important family occasions
Yuck!
Don't worry too much, Op.

I’m so sorry and I hope your daughter remains your daughter. This must be crushing.

I understand, a name is such a personal thing, but it is something you chose... for them. It's now theirs. I have a friend who I discovered after about a year that her name wasn't her 'real' name (not trans or anything), she just went by a totally different name that she preferred. I don't know how her parents felt but I think she changed it in late teens so perhaps a bit different as she'd 'grown up' by then so was not the little girl any more in a lot of ways (not in a dodgy Daily Mail way!)

I can't get over that her whole peer group have all announced they are male - that is so bizarre and worrying.

It demonstrates a current trend and further makes me doubt the rise in gender fluid, non-binary young people.

A name is just a label really, so we can all keep track of each other. I enjoyed choosing my dc names but I wouldn't mind if they wanted to change them. I do that Mum thing of calling them by my sisters names/dogs/brothers/husband's name before my useless memory retrieves the right one anyway!

I can totally understand your sadness over this. YANBU.

Hi everyone, thank you for all of the kind responses. I do know IABU but it's reassuring to know it's understandable, at least.

I should have included a few things in my post: DC is 15, goes by male pronouns, and crucially started using a male name last year. For whatever reason that initial name change didn't bother me so much. First, I was fairly certain this was all temporary and wanted to be supportive. Second, DC coincidentally chose a name I wanted to use for my second child but didn't because a very close friend used it for their child! So also a very good name. Even though it's only been a year I think of my child as their new name rather than their old one (sorry about the pronoun games, I'm just trying to not be confusing).

I resonated with a lot of the posts above. Yes, I do secretly feel it was "my job" to bestow names on my children! And yes... if DC detransitioned I would secretly be so thrilled I'd honestly be happy with any name they chose. This is because I think their trans identity is part of a teenage identity exploration, and I'm much more concerned that DC will make irreversible choices that they later regret. I remember how fluid my identity was as a teenager... if being trans had been an option back then I absolutely would have been jumping on that band wagon.

The important thing I've tried to remember throughout all of this is that my relationship with DC is the number one priority. We have a great relationship and I don't want to jeopardise that, whatever struggles they face.

I was a very much wanted child. I was an only child of an only child, so few other children around in the family. My mum's mum had died not long before, She chose my name - a special one for her - and told me about it, thinking I would feel special. I didn't. It felt like a box she had put me in, having decided who I would be. She made it very very clear that she never wanted it shortened or lengthened either.

I changed it. And she never accepted it. And that made me feel sad, as I felt that she never really wanted to know me. We weren't close. I wasn't the person she wanted me to be, the image she had in her head. She rarely asked questions of me, or discovered what I thought/liked/felt. She often told me what she thought/felt/liked and was always slightly puzzled and hurt if I wanted something different.

I loved her, but I felt that she had shut herself off from me, by only seeing me through her needs/preferences and she missed out on so much. When I had children, her go to sentence was always "Oh, aren't you going to do . . . . x, y or z" rather than "Goodness, that's fantastic, I love a, b, or c."

Please don't miss out on a special relationship with your daughter. Tell her that she will always remember her original name, that she was a lovely baby/child and is much loved, but that you are looking forward to getting to know the new her too.

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel sad. I can imagine how destabilising the whole thing must feel. Motherhood is painful. I have a friend who has transitioned and changed their name and the change is really important to them but a site of conflict with already quite estranged parents. The more the parents push against it the worse the situation seems to get.
I'm reminded of this poem which might help or might not.

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
 For they have their own thoughts.
 You may house their bodies but not their souls,
 For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
 For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
 You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
 The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
 Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
 For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran

You sound like a lovely parent. How interesting that the chosen name is a name you'd have chosen for another child! That must soften the blow a bit for you.

Oooooops I’m sorry OP have reported my own post as it was meant for a different thread!

For those arguing over pronoun usage, go to one of the zillion other threads about exactly that.

OP - yes, it would be tough, and I would be upset too.
Just keep supporting her, and see where the chips fall.

I hate my name, and wish I would have changed it...

In the end OP, your child is still your child, regardless of what they call themselves or how they present themselves to the world. Hold on to that - the rest is just superficial (even though it's difficult, they are still themselves underneath it all )

A lot to contend with, for you. I know it's obviously challenging for her too but this is a lot for a mother to face as well. Be kind to yourself.

Likely it will change back. It seems to be a trend at secondary school. Try noy to panic

I chopped my name down as a teen and eventually dropped the long name because I wanted the same name on my passport as my driving licence, oh and the 'long' version had a 'Unique' spelling.

I'd spent years correcting people on how to spell my name and it didn't feel like me. My mother very much treated me as a possession (I'm not saying this is you) and that long name just reiterated it to me.

Only 1 person still uses that long name, my shortened name feel like me. Oh and I dropped the middle name too.

@Igglepigglesgrubbyblanket

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel sad. I can imagine how destabilising the whole thing must feel. Motherhood is painful. I have a friend who has transitioned and changed their name and the change is really important to them but a site of conflict with already quite estranged parents. The more the parents push against it the worse the situation seems to get. I'm reminded of this poem which might help or might not.

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
 For they have their own thoughts.
 You may house their bodies but not their souls,
 For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
 For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
 You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
 The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
 Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
 For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran

This is so lovely, thank you.

Khalil Gibran is the Author of these 'poems'...It comes from a slim book called

''The Prophet'' , easily available.

He wrote on many life issues.

A lot of young people don't like their name until they get a lot older. It's only when you're older you appreciate unique names. This is particularly the case with unusual names. Maybe in 20s they will grow to like it more. I'm sure they will change their mind in time.