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AIBU?

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Original poster

Find a man without children is the holy grail.

326 replies

Adviceneeded20 · 05/09/2020 10:58

One of my closest friends said to me this morning that finding a man without children in your 40s is like finding the holy grail of relationship goals.

I was telling her about little things that niggle me about DP (who is wonderful to be fair) and she said that I’m lucky I’ve found a man with no DC and that i need to make it work because I’ve found the holy grain Hmm

Is she right?

YANBU - finding a man with no DC is the holy grail.

YABU - who cares if he has children or not.

OP posts:
trappedsincesundaymorn · 06/09/2020 17:53

@BubblyBarbara

I’m not sure it’s a great idea. A man who hasn’t had children by his 40s is likely to be a player of some kind or have those Death Grip problems we read about all the time on here. It’s definitely not normal
This has made me laugh. OH is definitely not a player...we've been together 20 years almost. I am only the 2nd person he has had a relationship with, he split amicably with his first girlfriend a year before he met me. They were together 5 years but ended when she said that she wanted a child but knew that he didn't. There was no bitterness and we get on well with her, her husband and their 2 (almost adult) children.
WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 06/09/2020 18:19

Men think the same way about a woman.

Coffeemaniac · 06/09/2020 18:26

Absolutely right, I found a man with no children when I was 42, he was a lot younger and child free. It works.

SecretSpAD · 06/09/2020 18:39

I think bubblybarbara proves the point that reproduction doesn't necessarily mean maturity very well

WildRosie · 06/09/2020 18:56

Thankyou for the Death Grip explanations.

justanotherneighinparadise · 06/09/2020 18:59

I think my DP was e exceptionally rare, as was I. Both of us were childless, both of us late thirties and solvent. He was out of a long term relationship but had no baggage. I was out of a relationship of 18 months but equally had no baggage. We both wanted children. God knows how we found each other on POF of all places but I thank god every day that we did.

FelicisNox · 06/09/2020 19:09

Absolutely and it works both ways (obvs).

Luddite26 · 06/09/2020 19:51

I had a friend who was looking for a man with no children and a dead mother!

ThatsAllFolks · 06/09/2020 19:59

I dated and married a man with kids. 5 and 7. Now divorced. Kids now at uni. Those kids are amazing. I'm so proud of them. I would never not date people just because they have kids. Im looking forward to their children

Decentsalnotime · 06/09/2020 20:14

@ThatsAllFolks

I dated and married a man with kids. 5 and 7. Now divorced. Kids now at uni. Those kids are amazing. I'm so proud of them. I would never not date people just because they have kids. Im looking forward to their children
Let me guess.... he had them very other weekend and possibly one night during the week?!
wrcm · 06/09/2020 21:01

If I was still single with no children I would absolutely look for someone with no children. When I was really young I met someone who had a young son and it was so difficult. His ex made our lives a living hell and I struggled with the not being able to just do what we wanted when we wanted. We were together for 4 years and almost married, He left me while I was pregnant and never heard from him again. I then met someone years later who had no kids and that was also very difficult as it was just me and my daughter now. The shoe was on the other foot. He was like a spoiled child because I always put the kids first, a marriage and another 2 children later we separated and I had vowed after that there would be no more. 3 years later I met my current partner, I wasn't looking, couldn't be bothered with any more drama, we both had children and they were also around the same age. I gave it a chance and We are genuinely very happy together and have been for a number of years now and although blended families come with their own sets of problems it's far easier on our relationship than if only one of us had kids. I have honestly never been this happy or in love and I think it's because we are both on the same page with everything.

Lovely13 · 06/09/2020 21:06

I would focus on the person that I’m dating before being concerned about whether they have children. We all have baggage. If it’s not an ex, kids, etc, it might be a difficult set of siblings or parents. If he/she is the right one for you, you just have to get on with all that comes with them.

Decentsalnotime · 06/09/2020 21:18

@Lovely13

I would focus on the person that I’m dating before being concerned about whether they have children. We all have baggage. If it’s not an ex, kids, etc, it might be a difficult set of siblings or parents. If he/she is the right one for you, you just have to get on with all that comes with them.
Not how most people parent

I don’t just “go with the flow”

My children and what’s in their best interests is at the forefront and that generally doesn’t involve me just going with the flow and seeing how things pan out

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 06/09/2020 22:01

So many of the generalisations about men on here are truly shocking...

I am beginning to understand why groups like MGTOW (men going their own way) are thriving these days!

Oliversmumsarmy · 07/09/2020 01:07

justanotherneighinparadise

God knows how we found each other on POF of all places but I thank god every day that we did

A friend swears by POF. She has had 2 husbands and 3 children through them.Grin

sallyshirt · 07/09/2020 07:08

@KeepSmiling89

I found the holy grail then! Yay! DH is 49, no children, we're married 3 years next month and currently expecting DC1. I'm 31 for info as well.
The big age gap wouldn't be something most women would be interested in I would have thought?
LadyDoc1 · 07/09/2020 07:33

It depends on the man surely? I’m 41 and sick to death of hearing sob stories from men who are shocked and appalled they have to contribute financially to the upbringing of their own child/children.
They’re not all like that though (I hope!)

Bubbletrouble43 · 07/09/2020 08:37

Another POF success here, found dp on there after a week, after trying to meet someone in RL for about a decade!

browneyes77 · 07/09/2020 08:54

@Bubbletrouble43

Another POF success here, found dp on there after a week, after trying to meet someone in RL for about a decade!
Another one here! Met my DP on there 6.5 years ago!
PillarOfPoop · 07/09/2020 09:06

And me! Met my husband on POF 🤣 one of the first people I spoke to.

granny24 · 07/09/2020 09:13

Well if I thought the holy grail was a man with no children, I would have missed out on two lovely step children and four wonderful grandsons.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/09/2020 09:38

I think it works both ways - women in their forties without children are probably few and far between aswell!!

I only know 3 people with no children, 2 are a married couple who chose not to have any and the other is a perpetual singleton who still lives at home with him mum (he's almost 50!)

These three aside, I don't think I know anyone over the age of 30 without children Confused

FrangipaniBlue · 07/09/2020 09:55

There's a stereotype being promoted that a childless man of 40+ must be immature, irresponsible, unwilling to commit or settle down.

This!

My single friend used to live at the opposite end of the country for work (young free and single went where his job took him) but came back when his mum took ill. He lives with her because he is her primary carer (no siblings and Dad passed away when he was a child) so between that and his full time job he doesn't have time to "date" hence still being single and child free. He is one of the most mature, responsible and caring people I know and would make a fabulous husband and dad, he just genuinely hasn't had the opportunity!!

SurreyHillsGirl · 07/09/2020 09:58

A man without kids might be more convenient, but also he might have never grown up enough to be a father

Hmm

What utter, utter bollocks. Any bellend can be a father, I know this as have dated a good number of said bellend fathers.

My DH was child free like me when I met him in my mid forties and yes, I do feel as if I have found the Holy Grail. He feels the same Smile

SurreyHillsGirl · 07/09/2020 10:01

@Lovely13

We all have baggage. If it’s not an ex, kids, etc, it might be a difficult set of siblings or parents

DH and I have no 'baggage', it makes life so much easier