Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel christmas

409 replies

amms36 · 05/09/2020 00:46

This year has been absolutely awful. I am not convinced that it is going to improve over the next few months either.

I have tentatively told family members that I am cancelling Christmas this year. By this I mean I won't be putting up a tree, I won't be doing any 'festive' shopping, and I won't be doing anything special for Christmas Day.

Likewise, I don't expect any gifts, or anything related to Christmas.

DH thinks this is extreme and I am being unreasonable. My point is that I have never particularly loved Christmas, and feel this year especially it feels like more trouble than it will be worth. Who knows what restrictions will even be in place come December?

OP posts:
Feelingpoorlysick · 05/09/2020 00:50

Who do you live with? Just because you don't like Christmas doesn't mean that they don't either. It's maybe a little bit selfish to cancel the whole thing.

SisterAgatha · 05/09/2020 00:53

Personally I think this is a really sad way of dealing with a terrible year and won’t boost morale at all. Who wants nothing to look forward to instead of something. It’s just heaping on more misery, surely.

Original poster
amms36 · 05/09/2020 00:55

DH and me. Usually we have family over or would visit family with younger children.

My reasons are

  1. The expense. We've already both seen our incomes fall by 75%

  2. The forced nature of it.

  3. Uncertainty

  4. I don't see much to celebrate. In fact, under current circumstances I just think it'll be a reminder of how miserable everything is right now.

OP posts:
Adwodeabo · 05/09/2020 00:57

It is a bit extreme. I can understand why you don’t want to go out shopping or go to events and family meet-ups, but there’s no reason why you can’t put up the tree, order some gifts online and make a nice dinner just for yourselves.

BlowingmyJets · 05/09/2020 00:59

Well if that's how you feel op!!

Agree with pp, heaping misery on misery.

Xmas is always what you make it. I guess the q to ask is... If this was your very last Xmas ever.. Is this what you'd do?. Personally, under all adverse circumstances I've been in, I've always tried to make the best of things, with whatever limited resources I've had, which included being bereaved and homeless one year 🤷‍♂️

Anordinarymum · 05/09/2020 01:02

Don't decide what to do right now. There's no rule regarding what we should do in life, but all I would say is your decision affects other people who may not feel the same

yolio · 05/09/2020 01:02

Do as I do, Christmas at home, no visitors and get on with it yourselves.

It is just one day. And these days it is difficult to do anything more now.

I personally never got on with the Gifting thing anyway. Why? If you love each other there are no gifts required surely to prove it? I know kids are different but I give their parents money to have a day out or whatever, and give a token Chocolate focused gift instead.

If any adult is miffed about presents at Christmas, I would knock them over the head with a rubber mallet TBH lol.

Best of luck.

SisterAgatha · 05/09/2020 01:02

*1) The expense. We've already both seen our incomes fall by 75%

  1. The forced nature of it.

  2. Uncertainty

  3. I don't see much to celebrate. In fact, under current circumstances I just think it'll be a reminder of how miserable everything is right now.*

  4. you don’t have to do gifts for it to be Christmas. You could give offerings like one bubble bath run for you, one night of Netflix and I won’t moan about your choices etc

  5. I can’t answer that, I don’t find it forced

  6. it’s certainly still 25th December whether Covid exists or not.

  7. I can’t see how choosing to be miserable and flounce about “cancelling” a normally happy day will help you forget that it’s been a miserable year.

TinkersTailor · 05/09/2020 01:03

It's an extreme decision.
My mum died at the beginning of September in 2018 and we still did christmas that year, because we didn't want to sully what is usually a happy event.

It's unfair of you to dictate that Christmas is cancelled without considering what others want.
You don't have to do all the bells and whistles but putting up a tree and some lights, buying a few (inexpensive) gifts and having a nice dinner wouldn't hurt, surely?

ludothedog · 05/09/2020 01:03

I would've thought that a shit year is all the more reason to have a christmas celebration. It doesn't have to be expensive ...

When time are dark time to look for a silver lining

redastherose · 05/09/2020 01:04

It sounds a bit miserable to cancel Christmas at the beginning of September. Money doesn't really have to come into it to be honest. Christmas can be as cheap or expensive as you want, it's the Christmas spirit that's important. Planning a nice meal (whatever you both really like) playing Christmas carols, watching Scrooge or Die Hard whatever is your idea of a Christmas film. Having a glass of something nice and homemade gifts (biscuits, mince pies, body scrub) these are the things that make the Christmas spirit for me. It doesn't have to be expensive.

sleepylittlebunnies · 05/09/2020 01:07

Could you not enjoy an old fashioned Christmas? Concentrate on making a lovely festive atmosphere, put the tree and decs up, write and send cards, buy or make gifts that are affordable, even set a very small budget per gift. Make or get in some delicious food and drink and enjoy a relaxed day of lounging in pyjamas watching movies.

I think it’s a good idea to steer away from an expensive pressure filled Christmas, scale it back and don’t make plans with others that can’t easily be changed. It would be a shame for you and those you live with to let Corona ruin a special time. Who knows what restrictions there will be, who really ever knows what lies ahead at any time?

Ditheringdooley · 05/09/2020 01:08

You don’t want to do Xmas, don’t do it. I would love to skip it (I find it a tiresome day of entertaining people I don’t like and hassle- but it’s my MIL who I don’t get on with and her friend, my family don’t celebrate it) but I do it for my DH.

If it’s a way that you can feel some agency and control in this nightmare of a year, do it.

It sounds like it’s just you and DH so not having much of an impact on anyone else. As you get closer to the time you might find you don’t want a tree but still want a pretty poinsettia or something - no need to be absolutist with yourself.

Do what you need to. Opting out of a particular cultural celebration isn’t extreme, it’s your time, your money, your energy. Do Xmas exactly as you wish or not at all.

Pimmsypimms · 05/09/2020 01:09

I'm usually the sort of person that starts to feel festive on the 24th of December, however, with the shitshow of a year it's been, We'll definitely be celebrating.
It's something that we as a family can look forward to and it won't be cancelled.
Even with the uncertainty of the next few months, we'll still be putting up a tree and the stockings for the dcs, talking about Santa with the youngest dc and I'll go the extra mile (not talking about financially, but effort wise) because we need a goal, something to look forward to cause everything else has been shit this year!

yolio · 05/09/2020 01:10

Christmas is a commercial construct.

I know for many it has a religious aspect, but generally it is commercially inspired with an added bit of guilt travelling to see people too.

We (up to Covid) saw each other regularly and people knew why.

Cannot get the Christmas vibe at all Sorry now. Sounds false to me.

But I do realise that families these days are not always within an easy journey either. Don't get me wrong.

Ditheringdooley · 05/09/2020 01:11

Ps - I enjoyed Xmas as a kid, even in a family that didn’t celebrate it. Holiday where you didn’t have to do anything, enjoyed films on telly, we still had things like Stilton, mince pies and Quality street because the shops were full of them and often on promotion. We were together as a family with all the obligation and hassle stripped out (presents, visitors, big meal). It is funny that whatever version of Xmas you had as a child you tend to prefer - so I prefer my non Xmas Xmas!!

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 05/09/2020 01:15

Who made you Christmas dictator?

I don't think you're being very fair on your husband if he disagrees....... I don't particularly like Christmas either. It just reminds me how small and crap my family is outside of dp and the dcs. But I make the effort for those who enjoy and tbh I usually end up enjoying myself too.

ViciousJackdaw · 05/09/2020 01:17

I understand. I cannot be bothered with Christmas myself. Seems pointless to me. It's supposed to be about the birth of JC (and yes, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me that it's actually predated by some Wiccan thing...) yet many people behave in the most unchristlike manner possible. I'm not even religious but I'm pretty sure Jeez would be outraged at people celebrating his birthday by stuffing themselves with food, producing tons of waste and spending money they can ill afford. Also. my Dad died at Christmas so I'm sure you can understand that I get quite sad.

However, you live with at least one other person and it would be unfair to disregard their feelings. DH always wants a tree and deccys. That's fine by me but it's HIS job, not mine. He's happy with that. We don't bother with fancy gifts either. Instead, we have a set amount (£5 or £10 each) and look for the most tacky present for each other we can find in the charity shop. I do not buy for anyone else and insist that nobody else buys for me (I have an issue with gift receiving anyway but that's for another thread).

I do cook a full-on roast - this is no skin off my nose though, I like to cook and roast dinners need no special skill - it's all in the timing.

So my advice would be to try and find a compromise. He wants a tree? Fine but he puts it up. Could you exchange small gifts? You don't need to buy a ton of food but would either of you perhaps cook a roast chicken with spuds, stuffing, veg and PIB? Also, even if you are the biggest non-believer on Earth, try and do something nice/helpful for someone else in the 'proper' spirit of Christmas. Even if you can only afford a quids worth of tins for the food bank, it'll help you feel a little better.

CJsGoldfish · 05/09/2020 01:18

As long as your DH is free to, even encouraged to, escape the misery of your house and celebrate with family or friends, I see no issue. You can have a nice non Christmas day doing whatever it is you are choosing to do instead and your DH can spend it with loved ones in a less miserable way

FlumpetCrumpet · 05/09/2020 01:20

Congratulations on being the first mumsnetter to cancel Christmas this year! I can't believe we got to Septemeber, but as you say coronavirus has kind of put things on hold in 2020 Wink

If you feel you are doing things out of duty then it probably will do you good to break the cycle this year and do something different. It frees you for subsequent years then to do what makes you happy as it gets rid of expectations. You will probably find more people are relieved than annoyed.

Original poster
amms36 · 05/09/2020 01:22

I am not trying to be a dictator. I am trying to have a conversation about how I'm feeling regarding Christmas. As I have said, DH thinks it is extreme which is why I am seeking other opinions.

I could consider just having a very informal day with some inexpensive but more special food.I just don't feel in the mood to be going to a huge level of stress for what is, essentially, one day out of 365.

I also don't want to be pressured into feeling like I need to travel to family members, put up elaborate decorations etc, when I don't feel like I am in the mood for it this year. I'd rather be honest about that than pretend and be miserable anyway.

OP posts:
Ditheringdooley · 05/09/2020 01:28

@amms36 don’t do what you feel is a burden.

If DH wants to have some elements of Xmas, let him organise and sort it. You could say ‘I don’t want to visit anyone but i’ll Go along with what you decide for our day together. And let him take charge of whatever he wants to do - and you sit back. But maybe agree spending limits so he doesn’t go bonkers.

That would be respectful of both your needs and feelings. I think you are well within your rights to not want to visit people or make plans in that direction given we have no idea where we will be in terms of covid restrictions or second wave then.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 05/09/2020 01:39

Then just tell people you're having Christmas at home.

We don't see anyone over Christmas, it's always a small affair. People who build up Christmas into this big thing full of pressure and stress do so out of choice. There's absolutely no need to do it and it's no more enjoyable than my type of Christmas where I might spend an extra £50 on food getting some treats in and the only tradition is that we stay in our pj's all day and eat so much chocolate for breakfast there's no room for dinner.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/09/2020 01:42

I agree with @Ditheringdooley. Your DH should be able to enjoy Christmas if he wants to, e.g. if he wants to get a tree he can, but you don’t need to plan family visits or spend a lot.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/09/2020 01:42

Don’t celebrate if you don’t want to, your husband can still celebrate with his family or whoever he wants.

If I were you I’d just celebrate in a different way. If there’s anything you enjoy baking or making I’d give that as gifts if not I just wouldn’t do gifts. I would write cards with nice personal messages for anyone I cared about. Don’t have a traditional Christmas dinner, have your favourite meal or takeaway, don’t watch Christmas films watch your favourite films, don’t get Christmas decorations have something else you like - so no tree but lots of candles or make paper cranes etc. Make it a day that’s your and your husbands ideal day, it doesn’t have to fit in with what the majority do.