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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel christmas

409 replies

amms36 · 05/09/2020 00:46

This year has been absolutely awful. I am not convinced that it is going to improve over the next few months either.

I have tentatively told family members that I am cancelling Christmas this year. By this I mean I won't be putting up a tree, I won't be doing any 'festive' shopping, and I won't be doing anything special for Christmas Day.

Likewise, I don't expect any gifts, or anything related to Christmas.

DH thinks this is extreme and I am being unreasonable. My point is that I have never particularly loved Christmas, and feel this year especially it feels like more trouble than it will be worth. Who knows what restrictions will even be in place come December?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/09/2020 01:48

If your DH wants to put up decorations then I don't think it's fair to stop him, but there's no reason YOU have to put them up
If you don't want to visit anytime, do presents, have a special meal theme no one can force you, but similarly you shouldn't force DH not to, and as you're not celebrating then it's not unreasonable for him to go elsewhere on the day

Lavanderrose · 05/09/2020 01:50

All this terribleness won’t suddenly disappear on the Stroke of midnight the 1st Jan 2021. So I think we shouldn’t deprive ourself s of fun and happiness, nor wait until life is back up “normal”.

But fair enough you don’t enjoy Christmas, and your concerned about money. You could have a more relaxed, less indulgent Christmas instead?

cancelculturemeinyellow · 05/09/2020 01:58

I'm a really really Christmassy person and the 1st September I usually find lovely as it's back to school and the run up to a lot of birthdays (in our family) and then Christmas.

But this year I'm really holding off being too excited about it. I still need to buy presents - I honestly wouldn't get away with not. But we had a bereavement earlier in the year which means that on top if covid we really aren't feeling like a knees up.

As a change we're going out for Christmas dinner, will do a nice walk (weather permitting), and home with no washing up to watch a few films and eat chocolate no doubt. So still "doing Christmas" but just not overthinking and going all out as normal.

I appreciate going out for Xmas dinner is expensive if you've had a big drop in income but a few nice M&S oven things and a couple of nice bottles of wine would be nice. Just tell people you aren't doing presents this year and be honest why - that you've had a lean year due to covid. Everyone will understand. Whack up some nice fairylights and pick out a couple of lovely candles for the evenings. I suppose it's nice to think of it more as brightening up the darkest part of winter rather than "doing Christmas".

There's no rules and you're allowed to feel any kind of way about it.

lborgia · 05/09/2020 02:05

Interested in your language here. If Christmas is going to happen, is it only because YOU cook, YOU put up the decorations etc etc?

I would suggest to DH that you will be fine if he wants to put up the tree, decorate to his heart’s content, and bung some supermarket christmas food in the oven.

Then you can be happy that you are sitting eating a decent meal with him/whoever lives in your house, and you can swap “thank god that year is over” presents.

I’ve had several christmases where I honestly felt shite, but it’s not fair to cancel it completely.

I do understand emailing and saying “your kids will get a voucher from us but that’s it”, and not do the whole merry-go-round.

Hope you can find a decent compromise.

Original poster
amms36 · 05/09/2020 02:30

Yes, if Christmas is to happen, it will be me who does the cooking, does the organising etc etc.

The suggestions of a compromise are fair. The reason I am thinking about it now is because I know I am days away from a full on pressurising from family members.

OP posts:
Timekeeper2 · 05/09/2020 02:36

I think Christmas is mainly for kids anyway, unless you are religious. If you don't have any kids, you can just ignore the day and consider it as just another day. So if Christmas really doesn't impact you and you have no kids, no YANBU to cancel Christmas - or basically just treat it as any other day.

Pixxie7 · 05/09/2020 02:37

Good on you I think a lot of people feel the same way but do it out of a sense of obligation.

Timekeeper2 · 05/09/2020 02:38

Really, it's just another day, really, anyway. The only difference is if you add importance to a religious occasion. Other than that, is not different to any other day.

ddl1 · 05/09/2020 02:41

If there are children involved, I think it's unfair to them. Otherwise, YANBU.

SqidgeBum · 05/09/2020 02:46

I think this is quite unreasonable. Christmas doesnt have to be about money or a tree or decorations which you put up to impress others like some sort of show. Its about being grateful for the little things like your health and the health of your loved ones (which this year we just take as 'we are alive'), seeing what family we can and being grateful for them, and finding some semblance of niceness and normality, even if it is just through your relatives awful baking skills.

I really think you are purposely trying to focus on only the negative here. There are always going to be rubbish times, pandemic aside, but that doesnt mean you go into some sort of morbid hiding and demand all smiles are banned. Also, its not just about you. Your loved ones deserve to have some happiness and not just misery all the time. If anything, this year we should have even more reason to cling to Christmas. We dont get much opportunity for nice things these days.

I for one will be doing the best for my kids, despite the fact that I have zero idea if DH will have a job come January, and I probably wont be able see my family at all. We will have zoom calls, maybe send token presents but in reality we have all been hit financially so it wont matter, we will cook a nice meal, I will put up my gaudy, cheap tree, make my 2 year old craft some awful looking decorations, make my FIL dress up as santa since the kids probably wont be going this year, and I will eat my after eights and watch movies with DH and be thankful that we are all healthy.

eveningfalls · 05/09/2020 02:52

what a selfish person you are.

HeIenaDove · 05/09/2020 02:58

Ive always been a Christmassy person but ive had it knocked out of me this year. I dont shop online and cant face Christmas shopping in a mask. The run up to Xmas can be quite stressful and this year has been like that X a million. Doing the grocery shop every week in a mask feels as stressful as doing an Xmas shop every week. HA decided to put us through an eleven week roof renewal during a pandemic so more stress and yet i still hear the "all in this together" shit. Nah Ive had enough.

HeIenaDove · 05/09/2020 02:59

DH has never been keen on it and we have no DC.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 05/09/2020 02:59

@eveningfalls you appear to be struggling with either reading or understanding, do you need some help? OP doesn’t like Christmas, has had a bad year, has financial worried and if she ‘takes part’ in Christmas what that actually means is she will have to do everything because her partner/husband wants ‘Christmas’ but doesn’t want to put any effort into making it actually happen. What part of that makes her selfish?

Timekeeper2 · 05/09/2020 03:00

@eveningfalls I disagree, I think one can just as easily say the husband is being selfish for not considering his wife might just want to skip it this year. What about her rights, her needs? Forcing something on someone who will be the one doing all the cooking is actually the height of selfishness. If DH wants Christmas, let him do it all himself, with zero input from OP. Doing it all himself may just make him realise what work OP puts into it each year, and he just might appreciate her more instead of taking her for granted.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2020 03:00

If your DH wants Christmas, let him do all the work, from A - Z. If he's not willing to do the decorations up and decorations down and everything in-between (and that includes gifts and all that's involved with them) then that's his problem. Or if he feels like traveling to family and celebrating there, that's fine too. You do what feels right to you. And DH can do the same.

Just out of curiosity, do you have children? If so, are they included in the no Xmas edict?

Inkpaperstars · 05/09/2020 03:04

I think you should do what you want OP, Christmas celebration is not to be forced on people. It should be a choice.

FortunesFave · 05/09/2020 03:19

If you have children YABU. If you don't...meh. If your DH wants a tree, he can get one. It's not up to you to say if Christmas is in your house or not.

RightYesButNo · 05/09/2020 03:20

@eveningfalls What an incredibly bitchy thing to say. Did you read OP’s follow-up comments, that she is stressed by all the “stuff,” and has to think about it now because she is days away from receiving pressurising from family members?

@amms36 I think 2020, as miserable as maybe it’s been, is a great excuse to reprioritize things. If you realize that a lot of the Christmas things are stressing you, then I don’t think you should do them whether you have 25% of your income or 150%. All the “extra shite” isn’t supposed to be what Christmas is centered on, or make you unhappy (it’s supposed to add to the experience), and if DP insists on it, he can sort it. People have Christmas in war zones, and some of them are probably happier than some people here, who end the day in absolute tears from family pressures and fights and traveling and just too. much. stuff.

So please don’t feel that you need to cancel Christmas to have the Christmas that you want. Cut out whatever parts don’t make you happy, or stress you, and let that be Christmas, this year and forever, if you want.

BlackSwan · 05/09/2020 03:23

I think we've gone soft. We're not exactly riding out a world war here.

here's a video of a Christmas tree on a tube platform in WWII...
True Grit

I may have had religion forced down my throat for too long (and long discarded now) but surely celebrating Christmas is more important when times are tough. A time to remember the importance of family and a reminder to be grateful for what you have.

rottiemum88 · 05/09/2020 03:25

DH thinks it is extreme which is why I am seeking other opinions

Who else's opinion matters, your DH is the one who has to spend it with you and he thinks abandoning Christmas altogether is a bit extreme Confused

Seems to me you're a glass half empty person and throwing your toys out the pram because this year has turned out a bit shit, therefore Christmas will be too. Ultimately it'll have no impact on the world whether you do or don't celebrate it, so ultimately do what you like, but you sound like a very selfish person to me.

WhoAmIWhoAreYou · 05/09/2020 03:26

I think if anything Christmas is worth celebrating this year. Its not all about the exchanging gifts/putting up a tree. Its about the company you'll have. The family members that you'll get to spend the day with.

There are a lot of people this year that won't get to see their relatives this year due to dying of covid. This is a good enough reason to not take a celebration like this for granted.

LEELULUMPKIN · 05/09/2020 03:50

I think this year more than ever we should be making an effort, a two fingered salute to the shitshow that has been 2020.

I feel that we owe it to those no longer with us to make the most of every single second.

One of the many things that 2020 has taught us is not to take even a minute of our lives and freedoms for granted.

As far as we know we only get one crack at this life, so I for one will be doing my best to give Thanks and celebrate what we DO have and not what we don't.

Staringpoodleplottingrottie · 05/09/2020 04:54

YANBU but I don’t like Christmas anyway and don’t really do it. Too many people do things out of obligation. If your DH wants Christmas he can organise it

1000mangoesinabirthdaycake · 05/09/2020 05:52

I think it would be unreasonable to ignore Christmas completely if your DH isn't on board, but I think if you want to opt out of travelling to family and extended family gift giving then you really have to let people know that now, so that they aren't buying for you too. TBH I think planning your Christmas this year around travelling to family would be nuts, given possible local lockdowns.

Spend Christmas at home, in your pyjamas with nice food and a couple of cheap gifts - or whatever you and your DH's version of that is.