To send a friend chocolates after death of her parent.

[starlet14]

I have a friend who doesn't live locally! She's lost a parent and I'd like to send something. She was wonderful when I went through the same. Even came to the funeral. Obviously I can't do the same due to covid.

She's not really into flowers. Would it be okay to send her some chocolates instead? For her and her kids or is it insensitive?? Just to cheer her up!

@gumball37

A sympathy card and a gift card to a restaurant so they don't have to worry about cooking with everything going on.

I would be so offended and upset if i received that. Yes, i guess knowing the recipient is key for those non trad gifts.

@AlwaysLatte

A friend gave me a little french manicure kit when my fiancé died very suddenly. I still remember that now 20 years ago, I was absorbed when I used it and it really diverted my mind from the awfulness for a precious few minutes.

Sorry! That was to this ^

Lakeland.co.uk do some lovely tea and biscuits type gift hampers like the one I have linked below. They usually come in something that can be reused such as a pretty canvas bag, basket, tin, or pot. I received something similar at Christmas. It was a mix of biscuits, teabags, jam, and lemon curd. It came in a beautiful mini canvas shopper with birds on. I think something like this would make a thoughtful, comforting gesture.

www.lakeland.co.uk/61753/Lakeland-Teacup-and-Saucer-Wicker-Hamper

What a lovely friend you are being so thoughtful and conscious of her feelings.

@Beesknees11

Maybe it's different in the US? Money is often given to the family of the deceased... And food taken to their home... But since covid changes the ability to bring a casserole over... A gift card means that's one less thing the family has to worry about🤷

Google... Willow Tree figurines. Theyre beautiful. A real keepsake and good quality.

We are all different !
Having lost both parents recently when I read your question I though ‘god I’d have really hated that’ - for me too chocolates seem celebratory. I can’t imagine licking through and looking at the guide to select etc. Even the thought of the Rustling sound was odd and celebratory !!

BUT thinking about it it could be really lovely - just get the card message right and try to choose some which are quite ‘matter of fact’ - not lots of hearts and glitter and celebration stuff.

Can you imagine a box of ‘celebrations’?!?!? Laughed out loud at that thought.

It’s lovely you are doing something - it’s so important and I bloody loved friends who didn’t go silent or awkward but who got in touch or did helpful thoughtful things, big or small, at the time or a bit later.
You sound a really lovely friend.

‘picking through’ not ‘licking through’.
I have never licked through a box of chocolates, Promise.

Yes, nice idea but definitely don't mention them 'cheering her up'

@runwithme your most struck a chord it's exactly how I feel now as I'm going through it. My fucking in laws are the worst for acting normal I hate it to the core I wish I could go NC

@WhoAmIWhoAreYou

Google... Willow Tree figurines. Theyre beautiful. A real keepsake and good quality.

Definitely no figurines.

I think a couple of cook meals are a good idea idea if she has a freezer along with a small box of chocolates or wine ( as appropriate for your friend) with a message about her taking care of herself and being sorry you can't be there in person for her at the moment . Also after speaking to her if it seems like the cook meals were well received maybe tell her you will send her a couple some every week for a month or something as you can't be there to bring food.

It is really often difficult to think about making food when you are grieving.

Also send a card Or message xx
It’s always massively touching when people
Do this

Agree with food if you are local and it feels appropriate - I lost around 10% of my body weight (and I am pretty slim to start) when my mum died even though I tried to eat enough. Stress and shock and numbness all just meant I didn’t even think to eat a lot of the time.
Support to all who’ve been through this. And to those who help and support.

Not read whole thread yet, but just to say I sent some really lovely chocs to a friend whose parent died during lockdown. In the note I said I wanted them to know I was thinking of them because I couldn’t be there in person. They seemed ok with it, and thanked me and said they had been a very small nice thing to have to hand at horrible time. But it is obviously a gift that could go the other way from these responses.

I would have liked it when my mum died. Could not cope with all the flowers.

My friend sent me chocolates when my Mum died, it was really appreciated. She then sent chocolate brownies a month later. Flowers were a lovely thought but they caused so much extra work when I was trying to function. Chocolates were great for opening in the evening when I was slumped in front of the TV. To be honest, I appreciated all thoughts and gestures, I was touched that people took the time and reached out, unless it had been super inappropriate I had too much else going to be offended by anything.

My mum died during COVID & loads of people still came and stood outside for her funeral which was lovely (they maintained social distancing & there was a speaker so they could hear the service) is that an option? I got lots of flowers which were so kind but I wouldn't have felt up to eating chocolate. I think it is the cards which mean the most- the words in some were so lovely and personal and I felt really supported. I was really touched people had gone out of their way to write something & were thinking of me. X

I think it's lovely to send anything that shows you're thinking of them, and anything with a kind, thoughtful message is fine.

I have never understood people who are incredibly picky about the way other people show sympathy.

Having lost a parent myself, I feel pretty justified in saying: unless you truly believe the person reaching out is actually trying to hurt you rather than offer you comfort, just accept their kindness in the spirit it's intended, FFS.

All this, "no, you're trying to be nice IN THE WRONG WAY" and then people wonder why some end up preferring to just avoid them in times of trouble for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

My Dad passed at the beginning of July and while flowers were beautiful and a lovely thought I used to dread any more arriving. I would have loved chocolates, like a previous poster said you could sit with the family and chat about the flavour etc rather than funeral arrangements. Or munch on them in the middle of the night when you can't sleep. Someone sent me a box of wine and that was very well received.

Everyone is different though and you know your friend best. I would have hated people handing me in meals.

*I just lost my DM a few months ago and friend sent me a large yankie candle with a photo of me and DM on it that she got online. It was such a lovely change from the flowers and something I can keep. When I'm feeling a bit low I light the candle and think of DM’

I’m very sorry to hear about your mum. Hang in there x

Personally, I would have really disliked this gift. Obviously I would have accepted it gracefully though. I can’t understand people saying they would have been angry etc with chocs. People are trying to show they care.

Bold fail.

Had never thought of chocolate.... but why not...along with a wee message saying you wish you were with her to comfort her in person...

People often lack the motivation to think of meals, shop, cook and wash up after the loss of a loved on.
Not necessarily. My family and I were never better meal-planned, fed, clean and organised than after my parent’s death; keeping busy works for some people. Freezer meals would have been put away and ignored in favour of meticulous multi-course homemade dinners to fill the hours. Similarly we appreciated all the flowers for something to do – picking apart the bunches and rearranging them into something more to our taste, finding vases, spreading them around the house, it was all good busy work. But then, we all had very floral houses anyway, so that many bunches didn’t serve as a visual reminder.

Candles, ornaments, keepsakes, anything like that, would have been binned. (I still twitch at the memory of receiving a hamper from a friend containing tuna, spam, a frey bentos pie and other random groceries. Why?!)

Grief is both universal and extremely personal, I think, which is why most of us stick to a standard card/flowers protocol, unless we know the person inside out.

I think nice food to eat is a good idea. I think you often lose your appetite when you‘ve been through something really upsetting/shocking and having something nice to eat can really help tempt it. I’ve bought people chocolate brownies from Gower Cottage brownies before and they’ve been well received (they are delicious!). And I’ve also bought people cheese hampers from the ethical dairy which I’d recommend too.