To send a friend chocolates after death of her parent.

[starlet14]

I have a friend who doesn't live locally! She's lost a parent and I'd like to send something. She was wonderful when I went through the same. Even came to the funeral. Obviously I can't do the same due to covid.

She's not really into flowers. Would it be okay to send her some chocolates instead? For her and her kids or is it insensitive?? Just to cheer her up!

When I lost my parents I massively appreciated any presents. Would have loved chocolates.

I wish people would stop talking about what’s appropriate or etiquette. I hate that there’s “etiquette” around grief. It’s such a fucking horrific thing and people should be allowed to grieve however they want, not feel like they have to live up to some bs standard of etiquette.

If someone loves chocolate, they will likely appreciate chocolate. What people don’t know if they’ve not been through it is how busy and stressful it is. There’s a ton of work and paperwork around death, and anything that helps in practical ways is so useful.

Personally I despise sympathy cards, I found it way too upsetting to read them and then it turned into a big emotional guilt weighing me down that I never read them. I’m not saying don’t send one, just saying that every grieving process is unique.

A hand written card with a separate note inside with a personal memory of her parent might be nice.
Perfect.

Obvs don't say 'these are to cheer you up' - something like 'thinking of you, with love'. I'd think that was quite a warm gesture from a friend.

Flowers are a total pain at these times - anything that needs looking after is absolutely off my list (though obviously people are very well meaning). I think chocolates and an accompanying note to say you’re thinking of her and hoped these brought her a moment of comfort at a horrid time, would be lovely.
I’ve just sent my bereaved friend brownies from her favourite bakery. She loved them.

I wouldn’t send chocolates but as for the PP who said “I would have ended the friendship.”

If someone loves chocolate, they will likely appreciate chocolate.
I love chocolate. I would not have appreciated someone buying it me when my mum died.

I think that's a nice idea, surely anyone that got a present with a kind message in hard times would just be grateful they had people thinking about them

It's the intention that matters. You won't be able to 'cheer her up' but letting her know you are thinking of her is more important than what you actually send. IMHO

When our beloved aunt died her lovely cousin couldn’t come the 700 miles as her husband couldn’t be left. She sent us a lovely letter and a parcel with luxury fudge and a box of delicious chocolate mints. It was greatly appreciated a few days later after the funeral.

Do send them perhaps some she might not buy herself.

I would have loved a box of chocolates when my DM died.

It was such a shitty time that to be honest any kind gesture was massively appreciated.

My friend died recently and her partner has really appreciated people taking meals round. Shopping, meal planning and cooking takes up a lot of time and energy.
Could you get a nice meal delivered from Cook or Cote along with a thoughtful card?

I lost my Mum at the end of April to cancer.

We couldn't do anything really to mark her passing and it sucked.

My cousin who is a hospice nurse supported me at a geographical distance to the end.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, she sent me a nice bottle of red wine to "raise a glass to her" - I intend to keep it until we have a proper wake / memorial - maybe next year, goddess willing.

It was such a lovely gesture, totally tailored to me and my DP and adult son (That makes us sound like alcoholics but honestly we're not really)......

Go with your gut, do what you think would be meaningful based on how well you know her and her family.

Perhaps a parcel/supermarket shop with a selection of ready meals, biscuits, nice soup, fresh pasta, jam, coffee, etc, with your sympathy card. Chocolates would be OK in with a mixed parcel, I think. It’s when they’re given separately that they seem more celebratory. Perhaps a bar, or several, of chocolate, rather than a box of individual ones. I’d stay well clear of candles.

Chocolates are simply not the correct thing in these circumstances, but no doubt opinions differ.

I would absolutely not wish to receive them after a bereavement.

I think it's lovely.
I think anything that shows you are holding someone you care for in your thoughts is lovely (whatever it is)
I find the posts declaring it inappropriate and friendship ending, very strange and quite sad.

When my mum died my best friend sent me a snack package full of crisps,chocs and penny sweets. She even sent a cake and a lovely candle plus a "sorry everything is so shit" card.

It was lovely. I shared it with my sister and was nice just to sit and munch on nice things of an evening and not have to think about anything, especially when were were too tired to go to the shops for a treat.

It was actually something to look forward to. A "what shall we have from the treat box" moment instead of the constant reminder of loss.

Flowers are a pain in the bum as others have said. all the trimming and then they die as well.

You know your friend so send what you think she would like. xx

I lost my DDad last year. I'd have been over the moon to receive chocolates from someone wanting to lift my spirits a little. Many now ex friends didn't even bother with a text or a phone call! You sound like a lovely person. X

Yankee Candles used to do a candle called Angel Wings which I felt was better than flowers when my friends mum died. But depends on the friend.

Personally I would advise against anything overtly memorial. The idea of an angel or something to commemorate the dead person is lovely but better suited for later on, like after the funeral. Not immediately after the death. When a loved one dies most people go through a stage of shock and denial. A gift that screams “hey this person is DEAD DEAD DEAD” isn’t what you need in that immediate shock and denial stage. A few people responded that way to me and I found it a bit shocking - like wow you really accepted their death super quickly! (I realise that’s irrational, but that’s grieving.)

But most people won’t be a dick over a present even if they don’t care for it. I hated the sympathy cards but I didn’t say anything or judge those who sent them.

I don't really see how chocolates could be seen as celebratory in this context - given by a friend after a bereavement, accompanied by a sympathy message. I actually think it's likely that any gift, given in the appropriate spirit (which it sounds as though it would be) would be much appreciated.

Chocolates are simply not the correct thing in these circumstances

The idea that there’s a “correct” way to respond to your parents dying can get in a fucking bin.

I have sent these beautiful little acorns to a couple of dear friends when they were bereaved. My friends were very touched to receive them and I think they're a good alternative when people are likely to be swamped with flowers.

^ The acorn is really lovely.

I sent my friend Chanel waterproof mascara - and a card - when her mum died. I knew she would appreciate it far more than flowers.

I think chocolates are perfect. I say that, because after my DF died, I had to fly long haul alone, and was pretty upset. The lovely steward sat by me, and handed me a box of chocolates saying 'Nothing like 1st class chocolates to make you feel a tiny bit better." it was so kind, and unexpected. I took them and gave them to my DM, and she was delighted. Saw the care with which they were given, and she sat them on her coffee table and all the visitors picked at them, as did she.

You know your friend best. Do what your gut says.