To send a friend chocolates after death of her parent.

[starlet14]

I have a friend who doesn't live locally! She's lost a parent and I'd like to send something. She was wonderful when I went through the same. Even came to the funeral. Obviously I can't do the same due to covid.

She's not really into flowers. Would it be okay to send her some chocolates instead? For her and her kids or is it insensitive?? Just to cheer her up!

People often lack the motivation to think of meals, shop, cook and wash up after the loss of a loved on. They are also extremely busy dealing with organising the funeral and sorting an estate. What about a voucher for Ocado or Cook! When my FIL passed away we ordered a load of nice ready meals for MIL from Cook! delivered to her house....she was really pleased, it lightened her load.

@Nomorepies it depends on the person though. I really appreciated things like chocolates when my sister died and others on the thread have said they did too. Some have said they wouldn't but it's about the individual and what the OP thinks they would like.

Op please hire that many saying that they’re inappropriate don’t seem to have first hand experience of grief.
Honestly when your world is turned upside down by a death - anyone offering some comfort is well received

Do you know if she really likes chocolate? I do and I think if I was in your friends situation and someone sent me chocolates, I think it would make me smile to know that you were thinking of me

Nomorepies Fri 04-Sep-20 22:59:54

No chocolates are inappropriate in my opinion.

Just corrected that for you.

My Dad died in June and I got flowers but I'd have preferred chocolate! I can't imagine getting upset or angry with anyone for doing a nice thing - even if someone wrote 'to cheer you up'! Yes I might've thought the wording was off but I wouldn't have dwelled on it. Someone at work actually said to me 'chin up!' when my dad was in his final days of life (they knew this). It's a bloke with limited social skills (being kind) so even though I was a bit I didn't get angry. I think as soon as he said it he thought 'oh god what am I saying'.

My friend bought me a lovely box of chocs when my dad died - it just felt nice to know someone was thinking about me. Send them with a nice card x

A work friend dropped in to visit me after my brother died, she brought me chocolates, to be honest i was shocked that anyone would think that was appropriate!
I did not appreciate it at all and was actually really hurt that she thought at a time like that i would be even thinking about eating chocolates!!

Booze

A little care package with chocolate and stuff would be great. I think your friend would appreciate that.

Chocolates are NOT inappropriate. There is no one single way people are allowed to grieve and to dictate grief is awful.

It’s gross that people care more about following some arbitrary etiquette rules than comforting a friend.

She is not going to feel "cheered up" after her parent has died.

I did...

When my dad died, there were a lot of letters saying how sad this or that person was, remembering my dad's character traits, telling a particular memory..... I didn't care how well or badly those letters and cards were written; I just loved reading how people remembered him and all those little vignettes.....

When my brother died someone set up a memorial FB page for him. I read those people's memories of him every single day at least once. I still remember them with sadness but also with great gladness. I think there were about 400 messages in all.

@Inaseagull

How about a candle that they could light in memory?

That’s a lovely idea

@SanJunipero

Chocolates aren't the obvious choice, but a friend sent me a big box of chocolates after my wife died and, actually, it was really nice. She put a note in saying that if I didn't feel like eating meals (which I didn't for a while) then I could just pick at chocolate, and I did just that. She sent me a few more random boxes in the following months too, just to let me know she was thinking of me. She's a good egg!

I love your username! Best piece of TV ever. I’m so sorry you lost your wife 💕

I don't see how chocolate is inappropriate. It's chocolate not a own in a jack in the box telling you to get on with it! Any gift is kind and those who didn't appreciate it clearly have too much to worry about as when my gparents died (I was their carer) I would have just appreciated anything whether a kind word, flowers, card, chocolate or whatever. It's the though that counts. No one sending the chocolate is doing it for laughs.... They are doing it to be kind.

@starlet14
When Dad died, mum found messages of support from his clients really touching.

But when someone lost a marriage partner far too young ..I wanted to send a card...and was advised ''Don't!...they don't want ''That sh&t''........
I was glad I asked, but surely a kind card {not a depressing 'Sympathy' one} is not a bad thing?..

Just a 'Thinking of you'..

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago. Believe me, me and my sister have eaten a shot load of chocolate and at times had to go out late to the corner shop to get some. In our case, a gift of chocolate with a nice message would have been amazing.

In fact, we both felt that food in general was really welcome. The last thing we felt like in the few days afterwards was thinking about what to eat/cook. The best thing one of our close friends did was come round with 2 bags full of good quality Cook frozen meals, nice crisps, soup and fresh bread and cakes. Just brilliant. Something we didn't know we needed until she brought it.

As has been similarly suggested how about making a small chill out hamper/bag perhaps a magazine, small wine or can of gin and tonic small chocs, some nice bubble bath and a candle. . Put a note to say have a chill.

@madmumofteens yes my friend sent biscuiteers, which were very much appreciated when my mum died. I still think of it when I use the tin

A friend gave me a little french manicure kit when my fiancé died very suddenly. I still remember that now 20 years ago, I was absorbed when I used it and it really diverted my mind from the awfulness for a precious few minutes.

I would send a in sympathy card and write a nice personal message in it.

A sympathy card and a gift card to a restaurant so they don't have to worry about cooking with everything going on.

I believe you know your friend best. If she does not like flowers then something like chocolates, luxury biscuits or a treat of some kind would be nice. As others have said the note (possibly in a card) is key to making it clear that you are not trying to cheer her up, Rather that you are thinking of her because you cannot be with her right now. This is a small gift sent with love to let her know you are with her in your thoughts. Maybe follow it up with a phone call.

Well my friend gave me a huge dairy milk bar and a card recently when I lost my father I was so touched that rather than just buy the usual flowers she actually thought of me as a person because she knew if nothing else I would eat the chocolate so yes if your friend likes chocolate it shows you have thought of them

When my grandfather died a friend had a weeks worth of a dinner service (frozen and fresh meals) delivered with a card saying that I needed to look after myself so I can look after others and this was her looking after me.

It was the most thoughtful kindest gift I think I’ve ever been given.
(It’s also now what I give new parents)