School runs when husband wfh

[cornflowerblue30]

Hi I'm just wondering if I'm BU or not. My husband is working from home due to covid and will be working from home for the foreseeable. He has a lot of flexibility in his job in terms of what hours he works can start earlier/later ect unless he has meetings.
I'm still working outside the home part time but I mainly do weekends.
In the morning I leave the house at 8:30 for one school run get home by 9 and then have another school run at 9:30. The afternoon is first pick up 12:30 and second pick up 2:30. I feel I'm only home some days and have to leave again. Next year il have 3 drop offs at different times when my youngest starts and 3 pick ups at different times.
Now my aibu is my husband often goes out for a run during his lunch break and I prepare food for lunch for when he gets back as I'm making stuff for myself and my youngest but I really feel he should be doing at least one of the pick ups or drop offs for me or even minding the younger ones whilst I run down myself especially if it's raining. I feel I could get a good run of housework or laundry instead of stopping and starting the whole time. I totally understand if he has something lined up in work but on the days he doesn't. Even one or two days a week would be nice. Aibu

WaxOnFeckOff my approach is the same as other managers in my (generally flexible, but within limits) organisation.

A one off late start or nipping out for 30 mins during a working day as you describe, is simply a one off and would be fine.

Permanently changing your working pattern on a daily or weekly basis is rather different and would require a formal flex working request.

Your colleague who would normally start late after dropping her DC off - presumably that late start is a flexible or part time working arrangement; why would she not now have returned to that (which is what staff in our company are doing now schools have returned) rather starting early, logging out to drop DC off and then logging back on. Surely returning to the previously agreed times makes more sense?

Any role which involves telephone use (not a call centre, but anyone dealing with other 9-5 businesses) will need employees working fully or mostly between those core hours not, as one person I have heard of tried to negotiate, working a split of 6-8.30am and 4-9pm.

I appreciate the OP is only talking about morning/ lunch pickups not such a drastic change of hours. But as had been said without knowing the ins and outs of his role and his employer's approach, it's impossible to say if it could be accomodated.

For example, a drop off could enable him to start at 9. But if he currently works 8-4 rather than 9-5, his employers may well require a flex working request to change those hours on certain days to reflect his availability. Again this is something we would do - the request would be approved without difficulty, but it would be important for staffing levels and HR responsibilities that it was formally logged.

I think as the SAHP it is your responsibility but he should offer to do it on an ad hoc basis if he’s quiet, has no meeting clashes etc. He doesn’t need to commit to a set pick up / drop off at the expense of his work. It’s not ideal to decline meetings because you’re doing the school run when there is a SAHP IMO.

My personal situation is that I am wfh & DH is not working & he’s doing (almost) all the school runs.

And this is not a woman vs man issue!
FWIW last week I was WFH while DH was off work with the DC. I had my meals prepared, DC being taken care of, house tidied etc. I didn't take any time out of my work day to do things I wouldn't do if I were in the office.

This week we both WFH and the DC are still not at school: we both take some time from our work day to either look after them or do house work / cook.

He should be doing both drop offs and all pick ups, it has to be his turn.
Just tell him that's what's happening.
Sometimes they think you are fine with what you are doing, just tell him starting on monday it's his responsibility.
He can hardly refuse and leave kids at home

At a population level, it absolutely is a male/female issue.

He should be able to help out at lunchtime. I run most days now, but I go out at 6am so I’m back to help with breakfast and do the school run. DH does pick up. We both work full time, although I have always worked from home and DH has been since March although is back in the office some days now.

If running is that important to him he’ll do it early or late so he can still help out.

No one would give a monkey's where I work @Malikka

And @NoSleepInTheHeat - it absolutely is a man vs woman issue. It may not be in your household but it is very well documented that women have far less free time than men in families and take the bulk of the wifework even if both parents work full time.

During lockdown, women working from home took on the vast burden of childcare. Again, well documented

@Chewbecca

I think as the SAHP it is your responsibility but he should offer to do it on an ad hoc basis if he’s quiet, has no meeting clashes etc. He doesn’t need to commit to a set pick up / drop off at the expense of his work. It’s not ideal to decline meetings because you’re doing the school run when there is a SAHP IMO.

My personal situation is that I am wfh & DH is not working & he’s doing (almost) all the school runs.

This

@Malikka

The colleague in question is already on flexi time. Her DC is in now in High school so it's not like she is actually doing anything other than nipping out to drive them which she then just deducts the time from her lunch break. She doesn't want to return to what she was doing before as starting earlier and no commute now means she can be there to make dinner etc rather than arriving home at 6.30/7pm.

I do see what you are saying re contracts but the nature of our work and the people in the team means that this isn't an issue. Small team/specailist role. I don't have my phone number on my email anymore as it's a personal mobile so I don't get unexpected work calls from anyone other than my team.

Appreciate it doesn't work for all jobs but OP says that her DHs copmpany is flexible.

He doesn’t need to commit to a set pick up / drop off at the expense of his work.

It's not at the expense of his work it's at the expense of his run.

The morning and lunchtime run yes he could do those a couple times pw, keep it flexible around meetings so some days you may have to do them all. Both DH and I wfh this is exactly what we do between us. Did he never do any drop off even when he worked in an office? it's nice time to spend with his kids. The 2 30PM is probably not possible as its right in the middle of the working afternoon

different scenario, but I remember when my children started going to different schools and I realized that due to the heavy traffic, I just couldn’t get them both to school on time ( buses are terrible here).
So I had to ask DH if he could drop DS off on his way to work....it was as if it had never occurred to him!

Granted, I work flexible hours so can usually do the school runs, but this made far more sense . We were leaving so early and still barely making it on time. You need to ask him directly, OP. It makes sense for your family atm, but it’s probably not occurred to him.

We’re still knee deep in covid rules. Which is why your DH is working from home and why the children have different pickup times. Everyone has to give a little, employers, employees, parents etc. It’s not for one person (the SAHM) to pick up all the extra work and hassle associated with it all.

I work a 40 hour week from home, DH does not work, and I do atleast 50% of drop offs, pick ups and clubs. So I see no problem with your husband pulling his weight.

he should be doing at least one of the pick ups or drop offs for me

And there is the problem, you’ve encouraged him to believe child rearing is ‘woman’s work’. For pities sake, it’s not for you it’s for his children!

Try telling him you want a change, you’re overwhelmed with the routine, he can do one drop off and one pick up daily to allow you time to crack on with housework.

Get your child to ask him to do it. Then tell him his kids are desperate for daddy time.

Don't make it about helping you, make it about fathering them.

@blackberryjelly

Its funny isn't it, how the daily admin of life so often falls to the woman, while the man is rendered incapable of doing anything other than his paid work. Said paid work often only takes up 8 hours of the 24 hours in a day (with contractual breaks)... but still, the poor working man is technically full time employed and shouldn't be bothered with extra curricular tasks such as the school run.

The woman however should be perfectly well able to pick up the extra tasks associated with him working from home (extra cooking, cleaning etc) without question. No one should even suggest to him that he has to manage to get his own lunch when he is out at work all day, so should manage exactly the same when at home.

It's crap isn't it. Laughably so. But still women come on here and defend utterly useless men who are happy to have families so long as their lives do not have to change to accommodate them.

Fact is, if his work is flexible then he can fit in a school run, enabling you to get some of your other work done. The increased efficiency of this routine would be beneficial to both of you. If you aren't doing chores later he could take a run then, or you could, or perhaps you could tag team and both fit in some exercise. Win win. It's a complete no brainer.....

..... to the logical mind.

Absolutely spot on [clap]

YANBU at all to ask him to share the drop offs/pickups. I find most men would not even have clocked on that it is crap for you doing this every weekday but here you are OP tying yourself in knots trying to be absolutely sure what you would like is not too much to ask for. And we get the usual (mostly women I would assume) telling you to let the man work in peace. This is how I've always seen it in life and on here.

It may be that he can't take the time off for school runs, but if he is a reasonable person he would try to see what he can do to help with the issue. And as you say his work is flexible then he should take some of the drops or pickups.

I used to do it pre-covid, less times than you; drop my oldest (with my youngest in tow) then drop the younger to nursery 3 hours later and then pick them both up at home time and it is tiring. You barely get anything done by the time you get home. And yours is even harder.

Have a chat with him, make him aware how tiring and ineffective its making you. He may end up suggesting doing more than you hoped for.

@Malikka does it really matter or is it just a tightly controlled regime?

No one cares where I work as long as someone is in.

I guess it depends how flexible the work is. I'm expected to be at my computer for 8.5hrs except for scheduled breaks so I couldn't just log off
A less scheduled workplace and it might be ok

All those drops and pick ups, what a pita having to take your other kids with you every time, whatever the weather. Do you need to drive or can you walk? I'd be timing some telly time for the kids at home to coincide with the second morning drop off / one of the afternoon pick ups, and leaving the youngest at home with h. Or can h do one of the school pick ups integrated into his lunchtime run. Or the first drop off which is before 9am.

if he was working in an office I'd have to just get on with it.
But he isn't, so you don't. Certainly not if he has flexibility and it's not difficult for him to do so.

@QueenPaws is says in op that it is very flexible, so flexible in fact that he can go off for a run in his lunchbreak.

He doesn’t need to commit to a set pick up / drop off at the expense of his work.

It's not at the expense of his work it's at the expense of his run.

I would hope / imagine that the run is also ad hoc, i.e. fitted in around his calendar, not a fixed commitment.

[quote positivelynegative]@Malikka does it really matter or is it just a tightly controlled regime?

No one cares where I work as long as someone is in.[/quote]
I wouldn't describe the company I work for as a tightly controlled regime at all, but it is a very large multi national, household name type business, and whilst there are many employees who have flexible working arrangements (working shorter hours, different hours on different days etc, which are agreed to largely as a formality provided they cover core hours and can be accommodated) these are all documented for HR reasons, to protect both employee and employer, and also to ensure appropriate staffing levels throughout the day; our dept for example has around 500 staff, but if everyone decided to start work at 9.30 or later, who would be dealing with any calls (or urgent email enquiries) received at 9am?

I suppose if you are in a role and don't make/ receive calls or those kind of enquiries, or have to support or manage staff who do then working hours become less critical.