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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are these women a pack of bitches or is it me?

190 replies

Hohohole · 04/09/2020 08:59

I fully understand it could be me. I found out from one of the dad's at school that there is a WhatsApp group for the mum's. I've not been invited. It's been in place for years. I don't know why but it really stung. It's a small school about 30 parents in all. I've also walked by them all in a coffee shop before.
I'm nice and friendly about 5-10 years younger than them if it matters, I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat.
I often get texts from the dad's in the school about stuff but never the mum's. The parents are quiet well off, where as I am not. I don't know why it's bugging me but I feel like a left out child at P.E.
Would you be hurt?

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 04/09/2020 13:42

I'd be miffed to hear I was left out it wouldn't take me long to see how pathetic they were acting like DC.

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 13:45

Aw, I hope you still don’t think you were excluded on purpose, I bet that’s not true.

I’d definitely watch your one who messaged you though, he seems odd.

Aridane · 04/09/2020 13:48

He said I see you're not part of the group with all the mum's and wanted my opinion on something they were discussing. He sent screenshots and I could see all of the people that were in the group

He sounds more of a dick than the group of bitches

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 13:50

He is actually really nice I don't think he thought he was stiring anything. Maybe he thinks I'm much cooler than I actually am.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 13:51

@Hohohole

He is actually really nice I don't think he thought he was stiring anything. Maybe he thinks I'm much cooler than I actually am.
Is he older than you too?
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 04/09/2020 13:53

I'd say YANBU if you're sure you have been intentionally excluded from what is meant to be a whole school group, but YABU if it isn't intentional (they just don't realise that you're not on it, or don't want to add you without permission, or assume someone else is doing it etc) or if it is a group for friends.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 04/09/2020 13:55

OP you've said that you weren't looking to make friends and never hang around to chat, that may be part of the reason, if there is a deliberate reason which there might not be. You may have made it clear you didn't want to be social with them.

If you want to be social with them on a whatsapp group then chat with them. It works both ways.

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 14:00

But it's not a social group. It's a group to discuss school related matters. I'd fully understand if it was a social group and wouldn't expect to be included.

OP posts:
Feagle · 04/09/2020 14:01

He sounds more of a dick than the group of bitches

That sounds like an equally wilful overreaction to the OP jumping to the conclusion that she has been consciously left out of the group. It sounds to me perfectly possible she's been overlooked/it's assumed for some reason she's not interested/the admin isn't keen on her and hasn't bothered asking her, and that the dad in question was just asking her opinion on something because he'd noticed she wasn't on the group debate.

It's perfectly possible no one is the bad guy here.

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 14:04

@Hohohole

But it's not a social group. It's a group to discuss school related matters. I'd fully understand if it was a social group and wouldn't expect to be included.
Again, in that case, much more likely you’ve been forgotten about rather than deliberately excluded.
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 04/09/2020 14:04

OK then I would not assume I was intentionally excluded, I would assume it is an oversight, and if I wanted to be included I would approach someone and request it not bitch about it on mumsnet

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 14:05

Actually, really easy to clear up too - just say to one of them ‘oh, Sarah’s husband sent me fifteen screenshots of chat from the whatsapp group I’m not on, could you add me to it please?’ Done!

Iggly · 04/09/2020 14:06

It might be a social group and they chat about school stuff.

I’m in such a WhatsApp group - it’s a group of mums who socialise and we also chat about school stuff as well.

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 14:07

I saw the names of all the other mothers. There isn't a lot, as I've said before. All of the other mothers were taking part of the conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 14:12

I've already said I've been feeling a bit shitty and that's why it hurt. If I were on top form it wouldn't have occurred to me to think about it, but I'm not.

I just wanted a bit of comfort that I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 14:13

I don’t think you’ve got anything to feel shitty about though Flowers

nevertakethechillpill · 04/09/2020 14:14

Have you specifically asked to be included?

If you haven't asked no-one will be thinking that you want to be on the group. My son was an in-year transfer and I only found out about the mum's whatsapp group by accident and then had to ask to be put on it.

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 14:16

Oh I do, it's just got nothing to do with this situation. Thanks though. I'll try to be friendlier, maybe Grin.

OP posts:
Namechanged · 04/09/2020 14:20

@Haworthia

I had NO IDEA, when my first child started school, that the school mums would start off lovely but that it would rapidly descend into cliques and arse kissing and popularity contests.

I was also not privy to the WhatsApp group Grin And it was a deliberate exclusion on their part. The group was for their “popular” group only.

My second child starts this month and I am wise to this shit now. I am going to be friendly and chat to people but that is all.

Rise above it.

I was shocked about this when my children started school.

Rise above it as @Hapworthia says!

If you really want to be included in their WhatsApp group, ask them directly. Although if they don't add you, you may end up feeling worse.

Personally I would steer well clear from small minded people who like to set up exclusive groups. It is a toxic environment that you're best out of. Instead I would focus on the lovely relationships you already have like your new DP, baby and existing friendships. Far better to have a couple of very close trusted friends than a gang of fake friends where the only common thing you may have is that you happened to have children at the same time.

TitianaTitsling · 04/09/2020 14:21

@Aridane

He said I see you're not part of the group with all the mum's and wanted my opinion on something they were discussing. He sent screenshots and I could see all of the people that were in the group

He sounds more of a dick than the group of bitches

What did he want an opinion on? So he has your number and you his, how did you swap numbers and why couldn't you do the same with any of the mums in the group? Or if he's on the group, why not ask him to add you?
Othering · 04/09/2020 14:21

@Hohohole

Ah it was more of a headline to grab people's attention, I don't think they are all bitches, and I've apologised for calling them this. I was just hurt. The big bunch of meanies Grin.
Vile misogynistic choice of language op. Stop buying in to the narrative of thinking of women in this way.
raddledoldmisanthropist · 04/09/2020 14:23

I just wanted a bit of comfort that I'm not alone.

Is it not more comforting to know that your thought process might not be entirely rational and that it's unlikely they dislike you?

We are all vulnerable to catastrophising when we are unhappy- surely better to know that's happening than to think you are right in your worries?

Do you actually want to join the group? If so, just ask them.

ClumsyAnnabel · 04/09/2020 14:26

You're better off out of it tbh!

I was part of one and then saw a picture on facebook of literally EVERYONE ELSE FROM THE GROUP at a restaurant together having a lovely night out (pre lockdown). Not a whisper of it on the group chat. Or at least not in the one I was on! It made me laugh actually!

I left the group at that point! I didn't actually take it that personally, I know people may well click or make friends or make arrangements without me and tbh I don't really click with them past being parents of children in same class.

If you'd like to be invited just ask, they'd probably add you - I bet you're not the only one not added, there's no way to know that for sure.

TrickyD · 04/09/2020 14:31

Vile misogynistic choice of language op

I never understand this MN thing about the use of ‘ Bitch’, while calling women cows or cunts seems perfectly acceptable.

BranchAndPoppy · 04/09/2020 14:31

Ah you're better off out of it op. Honestly, before you know it, they'll all be at each other's throats.

Our big parents one is fucking batshit. I've muted it and never look at it, but DH does. He is a lot more passive than I am, but even he is like WTAF? at some of...in fact, most of, the stuff on there.

Don't get me wrong, the school parents are all lovely in person, but WhatsApp is such a shit medium for parenting groups imho. It means only the vocal minority of drama llamas say much and the quiet ones ignore it all. And the drama they come out with on there, they would never say IRL. It's not a good way of mixing with school parents at all for me. Obviously some people like it, but it absolutely isn't for me. Glad I decided that early on!