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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are these women a pack of bitches or is it me?

190 replies

Hohohole · 04/09/2020 08:59

I fully understand it could be me. I found out from one of the dad's at school that there is a WhatsApp group for the mum's. I've not been invited. It's been in place for years. I don't know why but it really stung. It's a small school about 30 parents in all. I've also walked by them all in a coffee shop before.
I'm nice and friendly about 5-10 years younger than them if it matters, I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat.
I often get texts from the dad's in the school about stuff but never the mum's. The parents are quiet well off, where as I am not. I don't know why it's bugging me but I feel like a left out child at P.E.
Would you be hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 12:14

There are a lot of sibling groups in the school so the amount of parents is low.

OP posts:
Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 04/09/2020 12:15

My advice would be to not let it get to you.
Yes they seem better off, yes they have friendships with one another.
I tried making friends with the mums at school a few years ago when I moved to the area. They invited me out for breakfast and then didnt turn up and I was sat there like a right plonker. No one even tried to explain something had happened and I was blanked after.

It stung, but DD is now in upper school, and in truth, none of them are people I'd choose to be friends with and singularly as people I feel sorry for them that as a group they coukdnt be kind.
I found a lot of the dads nicer to deal with.

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 12:16

I tried making friends with the mums at school a few years ago when I moved to the area. They invited me out for breakfast and then didnt turn up and I was sat there like a right plonker. No one even tried to explain something had happened and I was blanked after.

Did you ask them what happened?

OLGADEEPOLGA · 04/09/2020 12:17

I would say you've dodged a bullet by not being in a whatsapp group! The ones I've known have been pointless and just a massive pain. Mute notifications has saved me!

Bassettgirl · 04/09/2020 12:18

I get it OP. It is surprising how strongly/childish it can make you feel. It's a reversion to the actual playground I think. It's why there are lots of books and films about this sort of thing!

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 12:19

I just think it's a humans job not to make people feel intentionally excluded.

What do you do to make them feel included? Have you ever asked any of them if they fancy a coffee?

KeepSmiling89 · 04/09/2020 12:22

@OLGADEEPOLGA same here! I have one with girls I work with and when there's a string of messages I have to mute them for 8 hours just so DH and I can watch a movie in peace!

Feagle · 04/09/2020 12:26

I think you're overreacting. I discovered after my child had been at our village school for almost two years that there had been a mother's WhatsApp group from the very first day, and I hadn't been invited to join, and in fact hadn't even known it existed until I happened to sit next to another mother at a school play and glanced down at her phone to see the name of the group she was posting to. I asked her who the admin was and contacted her to ask her to add me. I didn't ask why I hadn't been included -- I'm sure it was a combination of some people being not all that keen on me, me only doing the school run occasionally, and just being overlooked, rather than some personal vendetta.

But it was subsequently useful for checking lost homework, missing school jumpers etc.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 04/09/2020 12:26

A clique is for example a team, and when a new person joins the team nobody will let them in. The team whispers and excludes the new member from general chit chat. Openly blanks them

So in the OP's case does it make it a clique unless EVERY mother in the school is part of it?

Some of you need to grow the fuck up, you're the parents at drop off not the pupils in the playground

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 12:26

@Pumperthepumper I don't do anything to make them feel included, but I'm nice, kind and friendly and haven't done anything to make them feel excluded. I don't want a friendship with them I'm just venting I suppose.

OP posts:
Aridane · 04/09/2020 12:27

YABVU for descri g a group of mother’s as a pack of bitched

GlummyMcGlummerson · 04/09/2020 12:28

nor do I think it's a woman's job to make people feels included, why would i? I just think it's a humans job not to make people feel intentionally excluded.

Yet I presume you aren't finding out wether or not the dads have a group of their own?

It's not "exclusion" if it's an oversight. Which it probably is. If you're so bothered use that big wet thing in your mouth and speak up

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 04/09/2020 12:28

So you've assumed you have intentionally been left out because they don't like you for no discernible reason instead of they just don't realise you're not on the group?

Have you asked to be added? Because it will really help you keep up-to-date with school topics?

Brefugee · 04/09/2020 12:33

we don't come from round here, and when our small children started at kindergarten and then primary school (the one feeds the other) in our rural area, i realised very quickly that everyone was born here, as were their parents and they had all known each other since birth (including most teachers). It was incredibly difficult to attend any of the events because nobody spoke to me (husband worked shifts, i could only do weekend/evening events - turned out i was the only full-time working mum in both DCs classes)

In the end i gave up trying and just sat and watched, interacted with anyone who came my way, and the children but stopped trying to initiate conversations because it was too much like hard work.

At the very last summer event when youngest DC left - i sat and read a book because it was an all day event. I overheard someone remarking how rude i was so i just said "i've been coming to these events for 10 years and yet none of you know anything about me, never speak and never show willing. You're rude." and carried on reading. It was lovely to have got it off my chest and now if i bump into them anywhere i just smile and walk on even if they try to start a convo. life is too short for all that shit.

Islandblue · 04/09/2020 12:38

It may have been set up ages ago and no one really thinks about who is in it. I actually don't have a clue who is on my one and when it started? You are probably overthink this? To be honest I don't worry about making mummy friends. It's not worth the grief!

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 12:40

@GlummyMcGlummerson why are you so cross?
There is no dad's group.
They know I'm not in the group. I was just wanting to see if other people had the same experience as me so I don't feel alone.
Thanks though everyone, I feel less of an outcast with all ye outcasts Grin

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 04/09/2020 12:41

I'm not cross OP I think it's very odd that you're using misogynistic words for women - who you don't want to be friends with anyway - who won't be your friend.

So one of them has confirmed that they've intentionally excluded you have they?

Pinkmakeupbag · 04/09/2020 12:43

@GlummyMcGlummerson I think you're being deliberately obtuse. Op has said she doesn't want to become best of friends with these women, she'd just like to be included.

Usually these groups aren't anything to do with friendships but school gate cliques. Once the dc all go off to secondary none of them bother speaking again and the dc all make their own minds up who to be friends with.

When my dc was in year 6 one of the less popular mums tried to organise a leavers party. Straight away people got on WhatsApp asking who was going/who wasn't, saying it was a rubbish idea.

Anyway one of the more popular women decided to organise her own, better party but excluded about 7 dc out of 30. Also asked people to keep it quiet from the other mum.

CheetasOnFajitas · 04/09/2020 12:45

I'm nice, kind and friendly and haven't done anything to make them feel excluded.

But you are jumping to the conclusion that you have been intentionally excluded, and no amount of logic or reason put forward in this thread will convince you otherwise. Yet you haven’t given us one single compelling reason for why you believe this so strongly.

Try being “nice, kind and friendly” now by giving them the benefit of the doubt.

All you have to do is ask to be added to the group next time you are having your usual “hairdresser” chat at the gates.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/09/2020 12:47

I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat.

So why would they have invited you when you haven't really given them an opportunity to.

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 12:49

But you are jumping to the conclusion that you have been intentionally excluded, and no amount of logic or reason put forward in this thread will convince you otherwise. Yet you haven’t given us one single compelling reason for why you believe this so strongly.

Exactly, and there are so many posters on here who say the same thing. Why would a group of people (although never the dads, obviously) just randomly take against someone on the school run?

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 12:54

I'm not jumping to conclusions I've been told I've been excluded. The dad told me.

OP posts:
Treacletreacle · 04/09/2020 12:55

I always dropped my son off but had to rush off for work and then couldn't always pick him up so was sometimes a friend or grandparents who did this. On the days I would pick him up I would smile and say hello but stand and wait usually on my own. Just before he was leaving to move schools one of the gang of mums, who I always felt excluded from actually spoke to me. (I'm sure she wanted to see why we were leaving the school) It was so funny as after talking she said "your actually ok I always thought you was stuck up" people make assumptions about people so like others have said they may feel your a threat if your more comfortable talking to the dads. I remember being told the only thing you have in common with some other parents is you have sex in the same year as they did

Haworthia · 04/09/2020 13:00

Why are so many people criticising the OP? If the WhatsApp group was intended for the entire class/school, then the OP would have been approached and asked if she wanted to join.

She hasn’t been asked. Therefore she’s been left out deliberately. This kind of behaviour is really very common.

Don’t blame the OP for not being chatty enough, when it’s basic school WhatsApp etiquette for the organiser(s) to try and invite as many people as possible.

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 13:01

@Hohohole

I'm not jumping to conclusions I've been told I've been excluded. The dad told me.
He actually said ‘you have been excluded on purpose from the WhatsApp group’? Did you ask him why?