Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are these women a pack of bitches or is it me?

190 replies

Hohohole · 04/09/2020 08:59

I fully understand it could be me. I found out from one of the dad's at school that there is a WhatsApp group for the mum's. I've not been invited. It's been in place for years. I don't know why but it really stung. It's a small school about 30 parents in all. I've also walked by them all in a coffee shop before.
I'm nice and friendly about 5-10 years younger than them if it matters, I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat.
I often get texts from the dad's in the school about stuff but never the mum's. The parents are quiet well off, where as I am not. I don't know why it's bugging me but I feel like a left out child at P.E.
Would you be hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 09:32

It a school in a big town of 20,000 people. It's a protestant school in Ireland so the numbers aren't big.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 04/09/2020 09:32

I doubt the women are a pack of bitches and I doubt it's you.

Probably somewhere in the middle. A bit of thoughtlessness most likely.

DeliciouslyFemale · 04/09/2020 09:32

On the face of it, it does sound horrible, but you’ve already said, I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat. Maybe they’re on it because they do hang around and chat, so think you’re not interested. If you’ve no interest in becoming friends, then they’ve maybe picked up on that. It’s maybe not a case if being excluded, but a case of you not making the effort to befriend them? If you want to be included, try sticking around after school. Personally I can’t be arsed with groups, as I feel like it puts pressure on me to comment or worry that I’m being rude if I don’t.

LocksMyth · 04/09/2020 09:33

Be grateful you're not on it because you are automatically exempt from the toxic drama these groups invariably create. I really wouldn't worry about it.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/09/2020 09:33

You're missing nothing OP.
Put your energies elsewhere.
There's a few of these threads cropping up, you can tell it's back to school time!

RedskyAtnight · 04/09/2020 09:36

Well, they might have deliberately excluded you.

But it's probably more likely that the group got set up and no one has particularly paid attention to who is in it, so they don't realise that you're not a member and just a silent reader of messages.

Why not assume it's the second case, and ask to be added?

Stay123 · 04/09/2020 09:36

Surely it’s more about her child not being included in trips to park, etc, which will probably be what they use it for. Therefore other children will be making better friends, bonding more and your child will always feel a bit not right. As they get older they will catch conversations like didn’t we have a great time at the park last night, etc, and feel left out. The mothers are horrible. They choose who they want to leave out and love it.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 04/09/2020 09:41

But you said you don't hang around to chat. You can't signal a lack of interest in making connections and then moan when people don't include you.

Also, why did this man tell you about it. It sounds like he's stirring a bit...

RedskyAtnight · 04/09/2020 09:42

Surely it’s more about her child not being included in trips to park, etc, which will probably be what they use it for.

OP has said her DD is invited to everything. and as she's not a member of the group she has no idea what it's used for. If it's anything like our school FB group it's mostly parents complaining that they haven't received a letter about xyz, other parents reacting in horror, and then the original parent either finding the letter at the bottom of their child's bag or realising that they didn't get a letter about xyz because it actually was only relevant for Year 4 and their child is in Year 5. There is no socialising type discussion on it!

CheetasOnFajitas · 04/09/2020 09:43

@DeliciouslyFemale

On the face of it, it does sound horrible, but you’ve already said, I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat. Maybe they’re on it because they do hang around and chat, so think you’re not interested. If you’ve no interest in becoming friends, then they’ve maybe picked up on that. It’s maybe not a case if being excluded, but a case of you not making the effort to befriend them? If you want to be included, try sticking around after school. Personally I can’t be arsed with groups, as I feel like it puts pressure on me to comment or worry that I’m being rude if I don’t.
I agree with this. Why don’t you want to chat in person, but you do want to be on the WhatsApp group?

They have possibly picked up on your vibe and thought that you would get annoyed by WhatsApp chatter. It doesn’t sound like the group is needed to arrange things like parties as your DD is still getting invited. If they were bitching about you behind your back the Dad who was in it would have known that and not mentioned the group to you. I suspect it started off amongst some parents who do chat at the gates, people were added over time by others that they were friendly with in person and you missed out because of not having those chatty relationships. Unlikely to be sinister. Just ask them to add you.

ChikiTIKI · 04/09/2020 09:43

YANBU to be hurt.

But from what I've heard on MN, you're avoiding a whole load of bother by not being in it.

Those who have realised you're not in it are a bit unkind to stay in something that's excluding one person, in my opinion.

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 04/09/2020 09:44

if you know about it, talk to the mum's and just ask to be added.
no biggy.
have you missed any events, that you know of?
and are the men excluded?

GameSetMatch · 04/09/2020 09:45

Count your lucky stars! Don’t be upset by it be happy you don’t need to get into all the falling out and nastiness! As long as your child is happy at school don’t worry, in a few years when your child has left school you won’t ever see these mums again, they are just people you see for two minutes a day, like a seeing the same shop assistant often or seeing the same people at the bus stop, they mean nothing!

CheetasOnFajitas · 04/09/2020 09:47

Also, the NI people I know are very much like us Scots and everyone chats all the time so maybe you not being chatty does stand out quite a lot from the norm? Just a thought.

starlet14 · 04/09/2020 09:49

Be relieved. Best not to get involved. I had similar last year. There is a fb group. Vast majority of parents were on it. Funnily enough a selected few (me being one) not involved. Somebody did eventually add me to it and at first I was appalled I was never invited for years but now I hide it from my timeline 🤣 the parents in DD's class are a bitchy lot. Thankfully the parents in DS's class are opposite and lovely!

LEELULUMPKIN · 04/09/2020 09:51

You are dodging a speeding bullet OP.

Often being part of these cliques is like being back at school yourself.

Be grateful you are under their radar.

KrabbyPatties · 04/09/2020 09:52

Bet you anything it’s an oversight

I was missed out when we schools and blatantly asked to be added

Franklyfrost · 04/09/2020 09:54

No one will know you’re not in the WhatsApp group. There’s not a roll call. There’ll be a lot of inactive members so you not messaging won’t have come to anyone’s attention.

If you want to hang out with people either online or irl you have to put in the time. If you’re not interested in doing that then you will be excluded from somethings but don’t take it personally.

HM1984 · 04/09/2020 09:54

Very cliquey on playgrounds. My DDs class, maybe 4 groups. One group of white women that (and I dont mean to sound rude here) don't converse with any ethnic parents (as in those that are British as well as non Brits). I remain friendly with all bar that group (as I fall into the ethnic category). There is a lot of bitching and Ive heard first hand from one of their children some of the racist comments they have made about "brown people".

Remain friendly, hi / bye but don't feel excluded. They are doing you a favour!

Aridane · 04/09/2020 09:55

Either an oversight

Or they don’t like you

Or your stand offisnhe S vi e and only messaging the dads has been picked up on

Speak with me of the mothers

Billben · 04/09/2020 09:56

@Hohohole

Oh and they all have my number the school gives out a sheet every year with our details on it.
WTF😱 There is no way I’d ever consent to that.
HannahStern · 04/09/2020 09:56

I suspect these mums have been all part of the same small community for years. I wouldn't be surprised if this group all know each other well since they themselves went to the same small primary school.
If your child is mixing well, I wouldn't worry about it. Like you said, you don't like to hang around and chat.

AntiHop · 04/09/2020 09:57

They are really mean not to include you op.

MeridaTheBold · 04/09/2020 09:58

You're better off not being in it and at least the other parents have shown you what they're like ie cliquey.

mklanch · 04/09/2020 09:59

trust me i was in a watsapp group. (i live in a village and the school has about 60 children so very small). you are missing out on nothing.
when i messaged on there i was always ignored. if i missed 1 event i was not considered in the circle anymore. one day i got so pissed with being ignored i exited the group. then they started mocking me in the group ( i had a friend who was to scared to quit the group and she send me a screenshot). after that i didnt speak to them anymore and keep myself to myself and its the most stress free ive felt.