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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are these women a pack of bitches or is it me?

190 replies

Hohohole · 04/09/2020 08:59

I fully understand it could be me. I found out from one of the dad's at school that there is a WhatsApp group for the mum's. I've not been invited. It's been in place for years. I don't know why but it really stung. It's a small school about 30 parents in all. I've also walked by them all in a coffee shop before.
I'm nice and friendly about 5-10 years younger than them if it matters, I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat.
I often get texts from the dad's in the school about stuff but never the mum's. The parents are quiet well off, where as I am not. I don't know why it's bugging me but I feel like a left out child at P.E.
Would you be hurt?

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 04/09/2020 10:00

I doubt anyone has the time or inclination to cross check that all parents are actually on the whatsapp group. These things tend to grow organically and with no one in particular overseeing the process. If you don't speak with the other parents very much then it is unlikely to come up. I would not worry, if you want to join ask another mother to add you, if not stay well away and enjoy the peace!

What you should not do is take it personally. I am sure it is not intentional.

LEELULUMPKIN · 04/09/2020 10:00

@Billben That surprised me too! There is no way my DS's school would even think of doing this.

On the odd occasion I have wanted to get in touch with another parent I have had to contact the school who then contact them on my behalf.

That is right I think, I wouldn't want my details bandied about to all and sundry either

tinybuddha · 04/09/2020 10:01

Honestly I deal with this type of crap from school mums on a daily basis. I wouldn’t honestly give it a second thought, because they are not worth it!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 04/09/2020 10:02

That sounds horrible when it's such a small school. My DC also used to be in an Irish Prod national school and my experience of the parents was that everyone was keen to be seen as 'reasonable' and community minded. So they were careful about making sure that nobody was excluded, even me when one of my children was 'that child'. There was always a WhatsApp group set up named as the class name and everyone was added to it. I'm sure there were friendship WhatsApp groups with subsets of the same people.

On the other hand it was a much bigger school than yours, around 200, and there was a clear distinction between school, church, families and friendships even though there was a lot of overlap. You must live in a much smaller parish so the lines between all the different categories are likely to be more blurred. I suspect in your case that, as it's so small, something that started out as a few friends in a WhatsApp group has gradually added other friends and it has become a whole school group (except you) without them thinking of it as a school group. You could suggest setting up a school WhatsApp group which would be handy for passing on information. They will either go along with it and keep their other group as a friendship one or someone will suggest adding you to the other group.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/09/2020 10:03

They have made a group with the people they hang around and chat with I guess. You're not interested in doing that, so they didn't add you, which is great for you because you don't want to socialise with them anyway.

I couldn't get worked up about this at all.

Original poster
Hohohole · 04/09/2020 10:03

I do chat at the gates, how are the kids, chat about holidays mainly chats you'd have with your hairdresser. I just don't arrive 20 minutes early and stay after to chat.
I've never text the dad's they have texted me first. It's too small a school for it to be an oversight.
It's not a social WhatsApp group, it about things happening within the school.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:04

@Hohohole
Anti-social media?
But they may not realise you are missing from it as others have said.

SpaceOP · 04/09/2020 10:04

It totally depends what it's for. If it's a group to discuss what day PE kit needs to come in and is a handy resource for tracking down jumpers that have gone to the wrong home, then yes, you should be on it and should just ask. if it's a group of women who are actively friends and using it to arrange meet ups etc, then it's just a group of friends.

If your DD is still invited to stuff etc, it sounds like your'e not being excluded form school related activity so I'd be inclined not to worry about it if it's the latter.

PutThemInTheIronMaiden · 04/09/2020 10:05

No.

Cacacoisfarraige · 04/09/2020 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:05

It HAS to be an oversight if it isn't a social thing.
Ask the Head teacher to be added.

RhubarbGnT · 04/09/2020 10:08

I was one of the "young mums" that felt excluded with my first dc. I was at least 10-15 years younger than vast majority of the other mums. 20 with some. Most were quite well off too. I certainly wasn't and felt this was another barrier.

When I look back now, I do wonder if it was literally just a case of them assuming that we wouldn't have anything in common, so perhaps nothing personal (?) It still bloody hurt though and knocked my already dented confidence.

Now at 36, considering another, but being reminded of all the school gate politics on here is perhaps making me reconsider Grin

But anyway OP, as someone who's been there, try not to let it take up any more of your headspace. It almost certainly isn't anything personal.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 04/09/2020 10:08

Giving out numbers is a common thing in Ireland I think, the parents sign something to allow the information to be disseminated to other parents in the class so it's optional. My DD's secondary school also does it, we have a massive WhatsApp group for the whole of first year already and we're only a week in. Although my DS's secondary school (Catholic) didn't do it, so perhaps it's a Protestant thing.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/09/2020 10:08

It may just be one or two that set up the group and left you off intentionally and the others may have assumed or been told you didn’t want to join.

I wouldn’t assume they are all awful.

Equally being a whole school thing, does that mean they have to add and remove people each year? Or has it just got bigger and bigger? What happens when the group admins kids leave?

Odd being a whole school thing.

LuckyAmy1986 · 04/09/2020 10:09

Voted YABU because you are better off out of all that!

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:10

@mklanch

trust me i was in a watsapp group. (i live in a village and the school has about 60 children so very small). you are missing out on nothing. when i messaged on there i was always ignored. if i missed 1 event i was not considered in the circle anymore. one day i got so pissed with being ignored i exited the group. then they started mocking me in the group ( i had a friend who was to scared to quit the group and she send me a screenshot). after that i didnt speak to them anymore and keep myself to myself and its the most stress free ive felt.
Ugh ugh ugh. So many 'groups' are Hellacious. They often degenerate into there dreaded SS {Screen Shot} that is gleefully shared... I came off FB and don't miss the `drama' at all.
raddledoldmisanthropist · 04/09/2020 10:10

If you want to be on the group, just ask to be added.

Presumably only one person set up the group, so the whole lot of them are not bitches.

I would just assume they either missed you off or it isn't a group for the whole school. There is one for our year (I'm not on for all the reasons given above) set up by a keen parent, I have no clue whether the people not on it didn't want to or got missed at the start.

Some MNers love to tell you that every tiny slight is deliberate malice and every friendship group you aren't in is a snobby clique. I don't think this is a healthy way to go through life.

oakleaffy · 04/09/2020 10:11

Edit ''The dreaded Screen Shot''..Why no edit button..

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2020 10:16

I wonder if they're all in their late 30s and you're more 20s etc, and given you don't stay and talk of they just think you wouldn't want to be on it? Or they assume you are and just never comment.

It seems fairly pointed to have a group Watts app of 29 mother's and leave 1 out. So the other option is is there one you get on sightly better with to make a comment too about should you take it personally you're the only one note on the group and see what she says

Mittens030869 · 04/09/2020 10:16

I understand why it stings, OP, it will feel as if they're excluding you. But I agree with PPs that you're best off out of it.

notso · 04/09/2020 10:18

Just ask to be added to it.
You've know way of knowing at this stage why you weren't added so you might as well assume it's an innocent reason rather than find a drama.

Pumperthepumper · 04/09/2020 10:20

I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them

That’s probably why they didn’t invite you then. If you don’t want to be friends with them then why would you want to be asked to coffee?

BogRollBOGOF · 04/09/2020 10:24

The social scene of my DC's two year groups/ classes are quite different. Y5 is much more fragmented. There was a cluster who already knew each other through siblings. A cluster that bonded over nursery, then quite a few "independents" who either work full time or just don't mix. As I worked FT until DS1 was in y1, I've never fallen in closely with any but can pleasantly small talk with most other than the really awkward personalities. There's never been a whatsapp group to cover them all, even when the PTA tried to get in touch more easily, at least a third aren't on there, and conversation is sparse on it. That's the only one I'm on. I am aware that friends do have their own chats which will carry a lot of the functional chat.

The y3 class are more networked. There clearly are friendship groups but less cliquey and they tried to plug the gaps in the group so everyone is included. When they organise socials, they create sub-chats when it's established who is interested and that keeps the main chat more focused on the core business of PE kits and dinner money.

If it is a cliquey, friendship based one with people stategically missed off, you've dodged a bullet anyway.

Chickenkatsu · 04/09/2020 10:38

In my experience, the odd balls, by which I mean single mums, dads and quirky or unusual parents are by far the most interesting group of people to chat to anyway

munzero · 04/09/2020 10:42

I'd feel a bit left out but you said 'I'm not particularly looking to make friends with them and don't hang around after school to chat.'

Maybe they've picked up on that?

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