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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

how to stop my toddler swearing

155 replies

Chocice79 · 04/09/2020 01:58

my dd is 3 and in the past couple or wks she has sworn 3 times either saying fcking hell or tonight was fcking idiot it not said in anger more like to get a reaction so really worried when she goes back to nursery next wk she is going to do it there! how to u stop? everytime she has sworn she had a small punishment but she 3 and she all bout testing the boundaries.

OP posts:
Mammaaof · 04/09/2020 02:05

Ignore! And stop swearing in front of your 3 year old! Or tell other people to! Hmm

rosiejaune · 04/09/2020 02:06

Just ignore it then. The bigger deal you make of it, the more she will test the boundaries (if that is even the reason).

And don't swear in front of her if you don't want her to repeat it.

HarryHarry1 · 04/09/2020 02:06

My MIL told me not to react in any way, just ignore it. My 2 year old liked to say “Fuck’s sake!” Luckily we live in a non-English-speaking country so nobody knew what he was saying! We ignored it and he got bored of saying it though it sometimes makes a comeback now and then!

Anordinarymum · 04/09/2020 02:09

Easy answer is for you to stop swearing and then she will stop. Simples

Cupcakegirl13 · 04/09/2020 02:15

How does she even know the word in the first place ?!!!! My 7 yr old Would have no idea that was even a word , whoever is swearing around her needs to stop immediately and then you need to ignore it and over time it will stop. I’m amazed this has not occurred to you 🤷🏻‍♀️

seayork2020 · 04/09/2020 02:16

she must have learnt it from somewhere so no I would not be punishing her, how on earth does she know she is doing anything wrong? it is just words like any other to her at that age.

Yes my son heard swearing in shops the odd occasion on tv maybe but no one around him regularly swore so he has not sworn, so I would 'remove' the source of the swearing

OhTheTrees · 04/09/2020 02:26

I work in a nursery - any kid that hears bad language will repeat bad language. Maybe because they think it's a regular word, maybe because they realise it is an expression of anger, maybe just to try it out.... but generally, kids of nursery age don't get the concept of "words you aren't allowed to use". They're too young to understand why some words aren't for them.

And punishing them for repeating what they've heard is a little harsh - that's how kids learn to talk! They all repeat language!

The best success we've seen with kids who were using swear words in nursery, is when the parents just totally stopped using bad language around their kid. They soon forget words if they don't hear them regularly.

When a kid at nursery swears, I tend to start with a puzzled look and say "oh, I don't know that word, it doesn't make any sense to me, maybe you meant 'this funny toy isn't working'...? THAT makes sense to me - what a frustrating toy it is!" And give them an alternative word to use, pretending they must've mis-heard and mis-repeated. For kids that don't hear swearing often, this is usually the quickest approach to stopping it.

If it is persistently used bad language, we still wouldn't punish usually, as again it's not their fault they're exposed to it, and developmentally they do parrot new language to learn, but I would say "that's not a very good word choice. Sometimes adults use that word if they're cross, but I don't like to hear it, so maybe you could say 'xxxx' instead. (Eg 'stinky') How about we call that toy a stinky toy instead?"

I realise this is still not the desired end goal, as you don't really want kids shouting about stinky toys etc (!), but giving them an alternative word that they find funny/rude, but that is more harmless will help them forget the swear word. And giving them permission to use the new word makes it less appealing, so they tend to opt for using neither once the novelty of calling something "stinky" has worn off ;) so long as they stop hearing the swear word at home.

I've never yet had a kid turn round and say "nah, I'm not going to call it a stinky toy car, I'm gonna keep calling it a f**king toy car"...! They are fairly easy to suggest new and different language to, so choose the words you are happy with, and get them to repeat their sentence using your chosen replacement instead.

Teach her how to be frustrated in an appropriate way, rather than punish her for repeating bad language when she thinks that's how it's meant to be used.

locked2020 · 04/09/2020 02:28

What oh the trees said.

Chefwifelife · 04/09/2020 02:48

@OhTheTrees I just wanted to say that this is one of the most constructive replies I’ve ever read on MN; good on you.

@Chocice79 I also have a 3 year old and have never heard him mutter a swear word; we try our best to never ever swear in front of him and even if the odd profanity has slipped out he’s not repeated it.

titnomatani · 04/09/2020 03:08

@OhTheTrees

I work in a nursery - any kid that hears bad language will repeat bad language. Maybe because they think it's a regular word, maybe because they realise it is an expression of anger, maybe just to try it out.... but generally, kids of nursery age don't get the concept of "words you aren't allowed to use". They're too young to understand why some words aren't for them.

And punishing them for repeating what they've heard is a little harsh - that's how kids learn to talk! They all repeat language!

The best success we've seen with kids who were using swear words in nursery, is when the parents just totally stopped using bad language around their kid. They soon forget words if they don't hear them regularly.

When a kid at nursery swears, I tend to start with a puzzled look and say "oh, I don't know that word, it doesn't make any sense to me, maybe you meant 'this funny toy isn't working'...? THAT makes sense to me - what a frustrating toy it is!" And give them an alternative word to use, pretending they must've mis-heard and mis-repeated. For kids that don't hear swearing often, this is usually the quickest approach to stopping it.

If it is persistently used bad language, we still wouldn't punish usually, as again it's not their fault they're exposed to it, and developmentally they do parrot new language to learn, but I would say "that's not a very good word choice. Sometimes adults use that word if they're cross, but I don't like to hear it, so maybe you could say 'xxxx' instead. (Eg 'stinky') How about we call that toy a stinky toy instead?"

I realise this is still not the desired end goal, as you don't really want kids shouting about stinky toys etc (!), but giving them an alternative word that they find funny/rude, but that is more harmless will help them forget the swear word. And giving them permission to use the new word makes it less appealing, so they tend to opt for using neither once the novelty of calling something "stinky" has worn off ;) so long as they stop hearing the swear word at home.

I've never yet had a kid turn round and say "nah, I'm not going to call it a stinky toy car, I'm gonna keep calling it a f**king toy car"...! They are fairly easy to suggest new and different language to, so choose the words you are happy with, and get them to repeat their sentence using your chosen replacement instead.

Teach her how to be frustrated in an appropriate way, rather than punish her for repeating bad language when she thinks that's how it's meant to be used.

Well said. Totally agree.

NameChange84 · 04/09/2020 03:52

Stop exposing your child to swearing. They learned it somewhere. If it was from you or your partner...stop.

Aria999 · 04/09/2020 03:54

DS says 'drat' a lot recently. I am clearly managing to swear like a maiden aunt in front of him 🤣

Chocice79 · 04/09/2020 08:47

firstly no she didnt hear it from me and 2nd it isnt such a regular thing she hears as she would be swearing all the time.

OP posts:
2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 04/09/2020 08:52

If you react every time she’ll do it more. She’s too young to understand why swear words are considered worse than other words, and if you’re reacting every time she does it she’ll keep doing it for the reaction. At most I’d be saying ‘that’s not a very nice thing to say’ and leaving it at that.

Where did she pick it up if not from you?

JKRsHandmaiden · 04/09/2020 08:52

My DC used to shout 'fucking thake!' when frustrated (terrible lisp). We just made sure there was never any swearing in the house and totally ignored it and it stopped quickly. They do overhear it elsewhere (some very colourful language at the playpark recently Hmm) but if it's not regular they probably won't pick it up.

Chocice79 · 04/09/2020 08:53

and each time she has said it or has not been in anger it's been walking off she like I could of pretended i didnt hear it but I didnt want her to think it fine to say.

OP posts:
AranciaRosso · 04/09/2020 08:55

So if she's not hearing it from you (which she is, by the way) what's your explanation as to where she's picking it up?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/09/2020 08:59

OP shes hearing it somewhere round the home if shes saying it at all.

She won't be hearing it in a childcare setting, and she won't be anywhere else enough to pick it up.

So it's either you or another family, or you've got some terribly inappropriate tv on when your child is around.

VictoriaBun · 04/09/2020 09:00

It is heard from someone who has regular contact with her. End of.

AranciaRosso · 04/09/2020 09:00

Maybe OP has The Thick of It playing on a loop? Grin

Beamur · 04/09/2020 09:02

DD was quite fond of shouting 'bugger' every time she heard her Dad clattering about in the kitchen. Mostly because that's what he said a lot!
OP your child has heard it somewhere. It won't have spontaneously appeared in their vocabulary.

Elletine · 04/09/2020 09:04

@OhTheTrees amazing response and really useful to read this, thank you for sharing!

Chocice79 · 04/09/2020 09:04

she has picked it up from my husband who I have been telling since she could talk he need to stop swearing and he has a lot but yeah she still hear it

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 04/09/2020 09:05

How on earth has she heard someone say that? Which she must have done to repeat it.

Ignore and give no reaction.

Make sure that there is no possibility that she can hear those sort of words, eg no tv, no radio and no contact

Dishwashersaurous · 04/09/2020 09:06

With anyone who swears around a toddler. None. No excuse