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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
Washimal · 04/09/2020 18:59

Maybe OP could focus most of her attention on her autistic DC to reassure them?

No Mother of a child with this level of SEN needs the be told to "focus most her her attention on her autistic DC".

Unbelievable.

Maybe trust that OP is the expert in her own child and knows what works for him and what doesn't.

Washimal · 04/09/2020 19:05

I just find this thread desperately sad.

I completely agree. You can see why some parents of children with disabilities end up being socially isolated based on some of these responses. When they request the most minor of adjustments they are accused of being rude, precious or get people who have no clue what looking after a child with SEN actually entails insisting that they know best and it'll all be fine.

CowCuddler · 04/09/2020 19:06

Mixed up seating us such a stupid thing to do. Why would you? What is the reason people do this!?!

Todaywewilldobetter · 04/09/2020 19:09

Why do people get so ridiculous about their weddings? Lose the point of celebration and family and loved ones. A guest in my party will be made to feel comfortable- that's kinda the point. Not the insta photos or the ludicrous complexity.
I'm so sorry, OP. I wouldn't go if I were you either.

I8toys · 04/09/2020 19:17

Why do people do this - no one is going to make friends. Just put people who know each other together. Its not rocket science.

SuperSue77 · 04/09/2020 19:23

The thing everyone will remember about her wedding is how shit it was not being able to enjoy it with their loved ones!

Yes it’s their wedding but that doesn't give them license to cause everyone to have a shit time.

Itisbetter · 04/09/2020 19:25

What is the reason people do this!?!
Because traditionally the guests would be carefully mixed and only the wedding service is one side grooms, one side brides family.

ArnoJambonsBike · 04/09/2020 19:30

@Pandacub7 I have reported your 1806 post. I can see only three options for you posting that:

You havent read all the OPs posts and are lying about it.
You are being obtuse.
You are being deliberately goady.

Whichever it is, you are not helping the OP.

BubblyBarbara · 04/09/2020 19:37

@ArnoJambonsBike Oh no, I'm sure Pandacub is quivering in their slippers. Why even bother telling everyone this.. unless you're just virtue signalling?

CareBearFan · 04/09/2020 19:42

I'd be sorely tempted to say 'OK, thanks anyway', turn up on the day with DH/DC and then politely ask the person sitting next to your DC if they can swap with you (explaining why). Chances the bride will notice are low at best, and if she does notice then the words 'I am sitting here because DC will not cope otherwise' accompanied by a hard stare, will hopefully be sufficient to make your point. That way you dont have a complete rift but also your DC is accommodated.

PenguinBarnotBird · 04/09/2020 19:44

It is so fucking painful when brides and grooms do this. YANBU to ask but don’t expect much. If course you always have the option not to attend

TroysMammy · 04/09/2020 19:45

Ugh being forced to make friends and make small talk with strangers. I couldn't do that.

MargotsBumpyNight · 04/09/2020 19:48

I'm so sorry OP. You sound incredibly hurt. It is sad that someone you are close to is being so ableist. I hope you can work it out as a family once your niece has time to think it through properly Flowers

jacks11 · 04/09/2020 19:52

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask, given the circumstances. It’s a shame she will not make adjustments for you DC.

As to her place- it would not be my choice a d I can see why others are not keen. I have been to one wedding where this was done and it did work ok. No idea why, but it was a really fun wedding. So it can work. Not that is relevant to you specific request, which is for other reasons.

However, as someone who has to make a lot of compromises on what I wanted to suit various family members‘ (both sides) demands, I can sort of see why she might be resistant to making changes (though I think, given the issues are related to a child’s SEN, she should be more accommodating of OP’s request). Once you make changes for one person.... it’s harder to say no to the next. I wish I’d said no more often. It was quite stressful trying to be “fair” to everyone.

jacks11 · 04/09/2020 19:53

Place= plan

Abouttimemum · 04/09/2020 19:56

People act absolutely ridiculous over one day. Who the fuck wants to sit with people they don’t know? Stupid. I feel so sorry for the OP and her son.

Ginger1982 · 04/09/2020 19:58

There are some utter twats on this thread! I assume that those of you chastising the OP don't have severely disabled children. I don't, and yet I can well empathise!

OP, your niece is being a twat not seeing the bigger picture here. I hope she changes her mind before the big day.

angelfacecuti75 · 04/09/2020 20:05

Having special needs myself , albeit not autism (I've a sister with it though which is why I think you are referring to asd). I would ask bride to reconsider saying that you aren't trying to disregard/disrupt her wedding,quite the opposite- you are trying to prevent her wedding being ruined and had hoped you could sit near family so they can help you manage the situation. Or just say you might not be able to come otherwise, that you wish her well etc etc.

SusanneLinder · 04/09/2020 20:07

I am not a huge fan of weddings anyway, however to be stuck with people I don't know is a nightmare, and I am a reasonably sociable person. DH just hates it as he takes time to speak to people. With a severely autistic child, it would be awful. I really feel for you OP and how sad that your niece won't accommodate you. I wouldn't be going either.

Mothership4two · 04/09/2020 20:08

Sorry to hear how this has been handled OP. Hope the bride will come round after getting advice from other family members.

I have only been to one "mingle" wedding and it was not enjoyable. What other situation would you put a group of strangers together for an hour or so? Interview situation? As soon as the speeches were over everyone got up and moved to where they wanted to be anyway.

Someone made a comment about meeting new people at parties (so basically what's the big deal?). At parties you can move away, at a wedding you are stuck with them throughout the meal and speeches.

Having to make polite conversation is just not much fun

Monkeynuts18 · 04/09/2020 20:14

I don’t understand the mentality of someone who wouldn’t do what they can to try and accommodate the needs of a disabled child.

Is there any chance your niece actually wants to exclude you or your family from the wedding for some reason? That’s the only explanation I can think of.

Grobagsforever · 04/09/2020 20:15

Bride is being a wanker thinking mixing ppl up will be 'fun'- self indulgent bullshit.

Just ask her to sort it. Unless she's an actual dick she'll understand. If she doesn't then her wedding probably isn't worth the bother.

Urgh weddings. Turning normal ppl into tits since the dawn of time.

angelfacecuti75 · 04/09/2020 20:16

Ps my son has adhd & asd & a complex condition called nf1, my partner does too, apologies that I've not read the thread, I think I would send a present so there is no bad blood, say sorry but you just don't want to ruin her day, that your door is always open .

niugboo · 04/09/2020 20:24

@Pandacub7 don’t be ridiculous.

ipswichwitch · 04/09/2020 20:28

I completely agree. You can see why some parents of children with disabilities end up being socially isolated based on some of these responses. When they request the most minor of adjustments they are accused of being rude, precious or get people who have no clue what looking after a child with SEN actually entails insisting that they know best and it'll all be fine.

Absolutely this Washimal. The number of times people have told me to stop worrying, he’ll be fine, why can’t we just turn up and hope for the best. Thing is, it’s the worst that we have to plan for. I don’t know why some folk have such a hard time grasping that as parents, we know our child best and what they’ll cope with. And before anyone starts with “have you tried...?” I can pretty much guarantee that yes we have bloody well tried it. DS can’t just cope with getting on buses/going to the pictures so these are things we don’t do - prior experience tell us it ends badly!

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