Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

[LockdownDowner]

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

I think the fact that she’s said she’ll change the plans but grudgingly is likely to cause long-lasting ill-will on both sides now.

It’s a shame she couldn’t have got her head out her arse.

I hope you don’t arrive to a nasty surprise of a mixed seating plan on the day. She may spring it on you all despite what she’s saying now.

I'm glad it worked out for you but very disheartening to read some of the clueless posts on here. Whatever anyone's views about a 'mixed' seating plan that is a separate issue; this is about a reasonable adjustment for a disabled person, one that can easily be achieved.

I have a disabled DS myself and I frequently ask for reasonable accommodations for him to enable him to attend. I cant really understand why family of all people would not want to make it as easy as possible for a disabled family member to attend family events. I don't understand the mentality of the bride here or that of the posters supporting her.

I’m glad she’s had a rethink about the seating.

In the original seating plan, it wouldn’t have been fair on your DS for you to go and put him in a situation that you know he’ll struggle to cope with.

Sitting him on a table with people he’s comfortable with is a very simple and reasonable adjustment to make for his disability, and it’s good that the bride has agreed to it, even if she has agreed grudgingly. Hopefully when she’s had a bit more time to think she’ll realise just how unworkable her original seating plan would have been for your DS.

I’m glad it’s been changed, it’s the right thing to do for your circumstances.

It might have been grudgingly changed but hopefully she will get over it soon and realize that it’s the right thing to do.

OP I’m seriously horrified at how rude people have been to you, and I haven’t even read all the comments. Wonderful to know that my kids are growing up in a world where so many people have zero sympathy for someone like yourself who has a really tough time every single day. I thought empathy and sympathy were pretty basic human emotions. Apparently not 😢 Glad it’s all worked out. I hope you have a lovely time!!

Apparently saying something that you disagree with is “rude” nowadays. Children, disabled or not, should be occasionally pushed out of their comfort zone. That’s how they grow and progress. Making an autistic child spontaneously give a speech or be left on their own, not a gentle push. Sitting at a table with immediate family and maybe a few people more distant family, not quite the same is it.

So glad to hear she's had a change of heart - try to forget what's just gone on and enjoy the wedding planning. Likely it was temporary wedding-madness and nothing more (hopefully!)

OP - please ask. Your child needs to be sat with people they know and trust to ensure the day goes smoothly for all of you, and the strangers you don't know.

Regards this whole mixed up seating:

So you go to a wedding with your family, or partner, and then don't get to sit next to them at the meals?

And people really do this to their guests?

It sounds horrific and tbh I'd be really questioning whether I would even attend under those circumstances.

Dh would be fine. He's naturally incredibly sociable and loves meeting and talking to new people. I would find it really stressful and hate it. I'm naturally shy - something I have tried to work on but it is still incredibly difficult and doesn't make for a happy carefree day.

If I go to a wedding or such event with my Dh and my family I'd expect to be day with them.

I'd be interested if they do split couples up - who do they leave the child/children with? Which parent gets them, or so they separate more than one child so a parent gets one each?

Or do they keep a family household together and then seat them with another family household?

Gosh, I'd much rather sit with the people o know.

I don't attend someone's wedding as a networking event or to make new friends.

What’s the fun in just sitting with people you know already?

Lots of people actually enjoy being with the people they know. They get on well and like to spend time together.

For many people a wedding is also a chance to catch up with one another, especially if family live distanced from one another.

I have family I enjoy spending time with but the only real chance we all get together are weddings, christenings and funerals.

As said before - for many people the idea of having to make small talk with strangers isn't conducive to a relaxed happy stress free day.

Why on earth do people do this?! I went to wedding like this. My partner was sat really far away from me. Why would I want that? I find it a bit controlling really. Like the bride and groom were trying to force us to talk to other people rather than letting people be themselves and let things evolve naturally. Not to mention how awful this much be for a shy or socially anxious person! You have my sympathies!

Glad your niece has had a rethink, albeit ungraciously.

Hopefully things will settle by the time it arrives.

To be honest in these Covid times mixed seating plans aren't really a good idea regardless. And I can't imagine the virus will be disappeared by next year - though least restrictions should be lifted by then.

And those saying 'it's only for the meal' - have you been to a wedding? The meals go on forever at many. Practically half the day at times.

@BubblyBarbara

Apparently saying something that you disagree with is “rude” nowadays. Children, disabled or not, should be occasionally pushed out of their comfort zone. That’s how they grow and progress. Making an autistic child spontaneously give a speech or be left on their own, not a gentle push. Sitting at a table with immediate family and maybe a few people more distant family, not quite the same is it.

So if the OPs DS has a disability which gave him limited use of his legs would you be all for chucking him out of his wheelchair and letting him drag himself to his place at the table, even if there was a perfectly reasonable adjustment like a ramp available? Or is it only certain types of disabled people who should be pushed out of their comfort zones?

Part of the reason for mixing people up at weddings is so that everyone gets to sit with someone they know, within the limitations of the available table size options.

If you've got a group of 10 friends and a max table size of 8, do you dump one couple with people they don't know so they have what everyone has just said will be a rubbish time so that the favoured 8 can have fun catching up, or do you split the group up into 2 or 3 sub groups and put them with compatible other groups of the right size so everyone has a bit of a chance to catch up at the meal then can regroup later. If you do dump 1 or 2 people from the group, how do you choose? Do they get to choose in advance if they'd rather skip the reception?

In the OP's situation I'd absolutely sit their whole group together, but unless luck in RSVPs leaves you with groups of 7 and 8 having 10 tables of good mates and 2 tables of odds and sods with "leftovers" is really shit for those on the random tables, so it's better to split groups a bit so that everyone is with someone (as well as their partner/kids) that they know fairly well!

@LockdownDowner

Update.

Bride has had a rethink and agreed we will all be sat together.

That’s good news, sounds like you’ve handled it well and like you say there’s plenty of time for any bad feeling to wear off before the event. I think you are being completely reasonable and people saying you aren’t haven’t grasped the reality of your situation. Well done for sticking up for your son.

I would just ask, it’s for their benefit. I know exactly how disruptive it can be. Worst case they say no then you can make a call on attendance or not

Glad to see it’s sorted!

Seem to be against the majority, but I prefer a mixed seating plan. I think there's nothing worse than a wedding with the two families separated and not mixing. The point of a wedding is uniting the families as well as the bride and groom.
I have been to a wedding and was sat on a table with just the bride's side. Really boring and disappointing! The bride's side didn't mix with the groom's at all and this led to the evening do staying separate as well.
Whereas when mixed, you get everyone mingling. You don't need to become best friends or learn their life story, but it's nice to meet the others side.'
I do however, think that you should ensure you and your partner are with your son.

'Children, disabled or not, should be occasionally pushed out of their comfort zone'

For a child with severe autism, all of life is being 'pushed out of their comfort zone'! Being in the unfamiliar environment of a wedding is already a considerable push out of their comfort zone. Forcing them to interact with strangers, who may be intolerant of their idiosyncracies especially in the context of a formal occasion, may be the last straw that causes a complete meltdown.

@WhenAWrenVisits - totally agree. I can’t stand forced conversation. I bet the bride and groom are sitting with people they know and together as a couple!!

Ah yes let’s push an autistic child out of their comfort zone so they can have a meltdown later in their safe environment. Great!

FFS.

@inappropriateraspberry - Seem to be against the majority, but I prefer a mixed seating plan. I think there's nothing worse than a wedding with the two families separated and not mixing.

There's a big difference between completely segregated seating and completely mixed seating. The couple in this instance planned on putting the recently widowed aunt at a table where she knew no one. That is really inconsiderate.

I think a bit of mixing is fine, and often inevitable. So maybe 4 who know one another with another 4 who know one another or a 5 and a 3. But organising it so nobody, or hardly anyone, knows the person beside them is horrible.

OP - glad it's sorted. Hopefully she will be a bit more gracious about it once she's had time to think.

Great you can be together. It’s fine to have asked.

A bit of mixing is fine. What I don’t expect is to be sat on my own with no one I knew with my DH sitting on another table. That’s fucking shit. We have little time together just the two of us, so why would I want to spend it talking to strangers who I don’t care about and will never see again.