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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would I be unreasonable to ask bride to reconsider mixed up seating plan?

531 replies

LockdownDowner · 03/09/2020 11:44

Just found out that a family wedding I will be attending is going to have a seating plan where everyone is being mixed up to sit next to people they don't know. I have been to a few weddings like this and they have all been really hard going and resulted in people moving around anyway to talk to their own friends and family groups. One of my children has special needs and I had assumed we would be sat with our close family so that dc would be more settled and family could help manage them.
DC not good with strangers or change, sitting with strangers is going to be a nightmare and not fair on the others on the table who may be uncomfortable with dc who has poor social skills and boundaries.
Bride is a close relative and very understanding of dc and their needs but seems to have overlooked the seating issue.
WIBU to mention it to her, I would normally go along with whatever the bride wants but this has the potentiol to disrupt her reception and mean us having to take dc out. Wedding is still in the early planning stages, venue has just been booked, tables are for 8 and we will be travelling to the wedding with four close relatives so could easily be accommodated together on one table.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 04/09/2020 22:21

I suppose it’s a year away but I don’t know - I’d feel a bit uncomfortable now that she felt the need to point out that she didn’t want to do it!

I thought the same. It's a shame.

notapizzaeater · 04/09/2020 22:21

It's good news, but agree she's not happy about it. I totally get why you want to sit with people you know, my Ds has autism and we always say if you really want to know if your bum looks big in this you'd ask his opinion !

Morgysmum · 04/09/2020 22:46

We had a horrible time, when this happened to us, we were attending my partners, cousins wedding. I don't many people, just my partners family. But for some reason they decided to sit us at the table with other parents. All total strangers to me and my partner, my partner, does not strangers, plus for some odd reason, we were nearly the last table to get good, I had our young son, under 1 with us. By the time, we got food, my partner was pretty drunk.
Because he was surrounded by strangers, so was dealing with through drink. Pretty much after the food, I said my son was tired and got a lift back to the hotel. I don't get how they thought it would help, sitting us with a load of strangers, who's kids were older and not attending the wedding. It was the worst wedding do I have ever attended. I would definitely, say that this will be too stressful to your daughter, plus on you too. Good luck, if she says no, then just be straight with her and sorry I cannot go.

Tunnocks34 · 04/09/2020 22:55

I understand your fears and I’m glad it’s worked out for you. I don’t think your niece was particularly wrong either, perhaps slightly thoughtless.

As a side note though this wedding sounds like my idea of hell. I hate meeting new people, and I probably wouldn’t go to a wedding which had this sort of seating plan (although I wouldn’t say the reason why)

unmarkedbythat · 04/09/2020 22:56

@cuddlymunchkin what an excellent parody of Donald Trump!

Ginfordinner · 04/09/2020 23:03

@cuddlymunchkin

Your dc would be with you and you immediate family. Surely that's enough? It's HER wedding. You are disrupting all of this by talking and bitching about the table plans with all of your extended family. You want everything your own way. And oh look, when it's slightly not your own way (so your group of 4 all sitting together but not your extra extended family members) you dramatically refuse to go and encourage other family not to go either. Nasty.
What a nasty post Hmm
ShouldIStaySelfIsolated · 04/09/2020 23:23

The lack of empathy/understanding of disability on this thread is astounding!

Not RTFT but seen enough to be horrified by some posters. If OP had said that they have a physically disabled DC and would not be able to attend a venue without reasonable adjustments/access, I'm sure there would be much more sympathy, but the usual trite "suggestions" come out.

When you are a parent, the needs of your child should come before the wishes of others, as demonstrated by the OP. Glad is worked out in the end (even with the snide "but I didn't want to" from the bride to be)

ddl1 · 04/09/2020 23:55

'Your dc would be with you and you immediate family. Surely that's enough? It's HER wedding. You are disrupting all of this by talking and bitching about the table plans with all of your extended family. You want everything your own way. And oh look, when it's slightly not your own way (so your group of 4 all sitting together but not your extra extended family members) you dramatically refuse to go and encourage other family not to go either. Nasty.'

FFS, this is about accommodating a disability, not about 'getting your own way' for fun. Would you say the same if it was about a wheelchair user needing to be seated somewhere where there is space for his wheelchair? OP is not 'bitching'; she is desperate. And she is not 'encouraging' other people not to go - her elderly aunt is considering not going because the bride is also not accommodating her.

ddl1 · 05/09/2020 00:00

'The rethink was most likely prompted by the realisation that we wouldn't come and the knock on effect that would have on my parents and aunt. They are really shocked at her lack of understanding and probably wouldn't have gone either.
She has said that seating us all together isn't what she wanted but she will have to do it!'

How charming of her! (not). It's not even as though the request had been made at the last minute with all the arrangements already made. She begrudges the need to be flexible enough to change plans slightly a YEAR in advance, to accommodate a genuine disability? I would be tempted to just not go, except that this might have a negative effect on other members of the family. But what a bridezilla!

cbt944 · 05/09/2020 00:34

Well, that's a nice update. The poor rest of the guests though, sitting in their awkward clusters...

firsttimeoptimist · 05/09/2020 00:43

I am glad that you have found a way forward that accommodates you but allow the bride to be miffed -you got what you needed and that is enough. The bride has a dream for her wedding and will I am sure be miffed about other things that dont go to plan in the coming months. We did this mixed seating at our wedding (but sat parents with small children together). It is very common in other cultures and we had good reason for it as there were lots of discussions about which were the "important tables" and this way there were none (whilst keeping certain family members apart. It worked really well -we are a gregarious lot but people all move around anyway after the food!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2020 04:44

@LockdownDowner - well thank goodness she's agreed to be sensible with your family, even if it was so ungraciously done!

Honestly, I can't think why she would have ever considered that seating your recently widowed aunt away from all her family would ever have been a good idea - what an utterly insensitive and fuckwitted thing to have tried on!

The first wedding I went to after my split with my own fiancé (his doing) was incredibly tough, and if I'd been seated with strangers I would probably have left. As it was, I was with all my friend who were all very understanding and kept an eye on me. And that's not NEARLY as bad as losing one's loved husband forever!!

I'm still heavily shocked at some of the fuckwittery on this thread too - never mind all the lack of comprehension of the needs of your son, but the fact that YOU are expected to have a complete nervous wreck of a time keeping him in check, just to accommodate your niece's braindead "concept" - with your family seated all around, you have a chance to relax and perhaps enjoy some of the wedding yourself, rather than being constantly on hot coals waiting for the inevitable.
Some people seem to think you should just completely martyr yourself to the bridezilla's whims - I disagree entirely.

At least now you can relax and hopefully the wedding will be an enjoyable event for all of you!

I'd still get the bride's mother to check the seating plan the morning of the wedding though, in case she goes rogue and fucks you over at the last minute, knowing that you're coming so can't get out of it.

Someone asked why people who wouldn't like mixed tables feel that way - well personally it's because I also like to catch up with friends whom I may not have seen for some time, ditto family. I don't want to be making boring small talk - I HATE making small talk anyway - with people who likely couldn't care less about me. But even that would be marginally better than just being ignored completely, which has also happened to me before. I'm one of those people who seem to fly under others' radars - they just don't notice me.

At our wedding, we had a table plan with people who knew each other on each table, except for the "outliers" - but even then, they all knew someone else, so they were on a table with the people they did know. What I didn't do was arrange seating - I left that to them to decide on each table. And you know what, if they'd decided to change table, that would have been ok with me - honestly, who could summon the energy to care about that?? (thinking about the Christeningzilla here)

Madness.

Thisismytimetoshine · 05/09/2020 08:22

She has said that seating us all together isn't what she wanted but she will have to do it!'
What a charmless halfwit she sounds. I'd seriously wonder if it was worth the effort, if it were me.

Ginfordinner · 05/09/2020 08:32

Wouldn't it be great if everyone who went to the wedding paid no attention to the seating plan and sat with the people they wanted to (wicked Grin)

LioneIRichTea · 05/09/2020 08:34

Wouldn't it be great if everyone who went to the wedding paid no attention to the seating plan and sat with the people they wanted to (wicked grin)

I’m considering long medieval banquet type tables for mine and no seating plan Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 05/09/2020 08:41

I'm glad your family are going to be on the same table. She might end up giving up the mixed seating plan. I think in the early stages of wedding planning these out there ideas seem so original and dynamic you are really impressed but then later on you see the flaws.

swelchphr · 05/09/2020 08:44

I was going to say YABU, but considering the situation with your son AND you said you were very close to the bride I don’t think it would hurt to mention it.

Ginfordinner · 05/09/2020 08:48

Cancel the cheque Grin

swelchphr · 05/09/2020 09:00

Sorry I hadn’t originally read through the first 19 pages, but I’ve caught up now. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this anxiety and drama. It’s a bit crazy that she already has a seating chart planned a year in advance (so much so that she got all in a huff of making this accommodation), but I’m glad she has reconsidered your situation even if it seems she did it begrudgingly. I hope she won’t have any hard feeling moving forward in the planning or beyond. Good luck to you all!

BogRollBOGOF · 05/09/2020 09:05

I'm glad she had a rethink. It would have been very unpleasant and awkward for all if you'd been in the position of being on tenterhooks of DS having a meltdown or offending someone who doesn't understand him on top of the usual upheaval of being in a different place, different routines and all the sensory input that involves.

At least being a year away, there is plenty of time for any disgruntlement to fade. I hope it's a great day when it comes and something to look forwards to.

Pandacub7 · 05/09/2020 09:15

@ArnoJambonsBike I didn’t think I was offensive, or at least didn’t mean to come off like that. Sorry if you were offended. I was just coming up with a suggestion to make everyone happy, playing Devil’s Advocate.

BikeTyson · 05/09/2020 09:16

It’s good news she’s seen sense changed her mind but she’s still being a dick about it.

itsgettingweird · 05/09/2020 09:25

No I don't - that is life when you have a severely autistic child - everything has to be planned. Would you honestly want to find yourself sitting next to an unknown severely autistic at a wedding?

Personally I wouldn't mind.

My own ds is autistic and I work with severely autistic children.

I don't drink and so not interested in this and would love a refreshingly honest conversation with someone who asks random questions that's trying to make small talk with another stranger!

But I realise I'm probably in the minority!

I do think if a close family member knew how difficult it would be they'd be accommodating.
Mine would never knowingly put ds in a situation they knew he found hard.

And if they did it unintentionally and I asked for adaptions pointing out the challenges they would happily rearrange.

itsgettingweird · 05/09/2020 09:28

Glad she's realised she was cutting off her nose to spite her face though!

LockdownDowner · 05/09/2020 09:36

As others have pointed out she hasn't exactly been gracious but I have decided to ignore that for the sake of my parents!

There is plenty of time for the dust to settle before the wedding, we are lucky that she did tell us about the mixed seating plan now as this would have been much worse if we had found out close to or on the day!

OP posts:
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