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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much? (On holiday with teen)

268 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2020 07:48

Am on holiday with my 17 yo daughter, just the two of us. Very lovely 5* hotel which I paid a lot for. I've rearranged this holiday several times due to Covid and we were very much looking forward to the break.

But I'm feeling a bit unappreciated as she doesn't seem to want to make the most of it. Complains she's not getting enough sleep and keeps disappearing for half the day to nap in the room. Is very moody if she hasn't had enough sleep. Wants to go up to bed at 10.30 most nights when there are bars and activities on til 1am.

I was meant to take her for a final blow-out holiday next year after A levels but I feel like sacking it off now and telling her to make (and pay for) her own plans with her friends as she doesn't seem to appreciate time spent with me or be grateful for the wonderful holiday I've arranged for her. Would that be unreasonable?

We usually get on very well so I thought this would be really fun. Left my husband at home (not her dad) so that we could have quality time together.

OP posts:

Friendsoftheearth · 03/09/2020 12:21

You sound bitter and angry because your dd is not sufficiently grateful, but to be honest comments like this:

What makes me more frustrated is that I forfeited a holiday with my husband for her, and I know he'd love it if he were here

and

I'll now be making my own holiday plans for next year and if hers don't come off for whatever reason (I worry her friends will be crap at planning) then she can't throw back in my face the fact that she didn't get a holiday

Really gives the impression that you believe yourself to be superior to her, your holidays and planning are better than hers, and she will be on her own if she doesn't get it organised properly. No wonder the poor girl is hiding in her room all day every day, you sound horrible.

It sounds like you can't wait to see her fail.

Friendsoftheearth · 03/09/2020 12:22

You are bloody rude op.

TheVanguardSix · 03/09/2020 12:25

This isn't a great age to have a holiday with your DD. She probably doesn't really want to hang out with you (no offense. It's just the age she's at). When she's in her early 20s, try again. DS is 18 (no holiday this year) and the past three holidays (15, 16, 17) have all been a bit 'family plus spare guy wearing headphones in the background who occasionally gets involved'. We've given him lots of his own time and space. We still have a brilliant time with him and such a laugh, but he is very much in his own time zone. Teens and their sleep is just something else entirely. I think, just roll with it, eat well, let her sleep, sunbathe, just chill. It's not an easy age. Dial it way back and use this time to just be close and hang out. It doesn't have to be all bells, whistles, and activities.
Sharing a room is a bit bonkers. Don't get me wrong, it is totally sensible and the more affordable option. But I remember sharing rooms with my own mother at that age and it drove me a bit batshit. Fast forward a few years later and we were inseparable when I was in my 20s and 30s. Sadly, we don't speak now (that's for another thread). But my point is, in my own experience and going by the experience of friends with daughters now in their 20s, the late teens is definitely a period where you sort of go your separate ways for a while, then come back to each other.
Let her holiday with friends next summer. You and DH do your thing and enjoy! Try and just relax for the rest of this holiday.

TatianaBis · 03/09/2020 12:26

And ab fab style clubbing? Haha very funny. I couldn't think of anything worse.

Good Lord I wasn’t implying parents went clubbing! 😂

Why would you think that? Like expecting to sit in the hotel bar with 17 year old? Of course she doesn’t want to do that!

TheVanguardSix · 03/09/2020 12:26

Just to add, reading some of your comments though OP... you sound like you really resent your DD. Deeper shit going on here, I reckon.

lyralalala · 03/09/2020 12:28

What makes me more frustrated is that I forfeited a holiday with my husband for her

What a bizarre turn of phrase to use when talking about taking a holiday with your daughter

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/09/2020 12:29

It seems you’re treating her as if she were your friend! She has access to all the alcohol she needs (?!) and you think she should be hanging around with you after 10.30pm to enjoy the night life.

BlueDream · 03/09/2020 12:30

Bless you OP.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but as a very light sleeper, it is absolutely horrible being sleep deprived. It becomes all you think about and you can't function.

I could absolutely not go on holiday in a shared room, I just wouldn't sleep. I need complete silence. I've had a couple of lovely luxury holidays paid for by ILs where we've shared an apt, and FILs snoring drove me mad to the point I was getting 3 hours sleep a night and spending points in tears from sheer tiredness and no sleep. I acted like a complete fruitcake from being so tired.

Being a teen on top of that, her behaviour could be part tiredness and part teen arsiness.

Aridane · 03/09/2020 12:34

OP - I totally get your frustration at having squandered valuable time and money with a sullen daughter / after all, might have stayed at home. Next time, focus on a holiday for you and DH and leave the privileged little madam to her own devices with friends (and, goodness, a holiday find!!)

Aridane · 03/09/2020 12:35

)holiday FUND(

BeansMeansWines · 03/09/2020 12:35

I don’t see why you’re getting a hard time.

DD can learn to use earplugs.

In future I’d book a beach hut with separate rooms or an air bnb. It’s not the same as being catered for in a resort but you might have some shared experiences like finding cute restaurants or whatever.

But really, she’s at the wrong age for this and should be off with her mates.

Also, you’re giving her a holiday fund. And taking her to 5* hotels. My parents never did that for me! More than generous.

user1471590586 · 03/09/2020 12:41

Perhaps it would have been better if your husband had also gone and your daughter had invited a friend. That way they could have done their own thing and had their own room.

Upstartcrones · 03/09/2020 12:52

I lost my virginity on holiday at 17 if you're motivated enough you can find ways to enjoy yourself on holiday, even with a snoring mum.

Ah the good old 1990s those were the days

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2020 13:00

People are being really rude to me and I'm not supposed to say anything back?! Ok then...

OP posts:

1WildTeaParty · 03/09/2020 13:02

Hope you enjoy the last few days OP - a luxury stay sounds great even if you are largely alone.

Your intentions sound good - and you have been generous with your time and money. You deserve to enjoy this.

I am glad that you are being kind and tolerant with your daughter over this. She doesn't sound to be spoiling things on purpose. I guess that this has been disappointing for her too. She can't sleep through your snoring just as you can't stop snoring. Being constantly tired does take the fun out of life.

matildawormwoood · 03/09/2020 13:03

I can see both sides. I understand it must be frustrating for you as the holiday isn't what you expected, and I don't blame you for not wanting to go on another holiday with her.

On the other hand, you've slept and she hasn't so you can't know how it feels to be in her shoes. My partner used to snore and I literally could not function after spending the night with him as I was so tired and grouchy. Even if I thought I'd slept okay I found I was still tired as I'd had broken sleep. It's so hard to be in a normal state of mind when you're sleep deprived as you don't care about anything but how tired you are. I also understand about ear plugs hurting her, as I have quite small ears and I wake up in physical ear ache like pain if I wear ear plugs, so that doesn't really help either.

I just think you're not compatible to share a room, and nobody can be blamed for that!

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2020 13:08

What a bizarre turn of phrase to use when talking about taking a holiday with your daughter

I don't see how this is a bizarre turn of phrase. I had a choice between holidaying with my husband, or with my daughter. I chose my daughter. And now I'm sad that she's not enjoying it.

I have also had broken sleep. She pokes me awake so I end up having a series of naps. Just tried to sleep on the beach (she's in her room) and some fucker decides to conduct his loud phone call whilst walking up and down behind my sunbed so I'm a tad grumpy!

OP posts:

rookiemere · 03/09/2020 13:23

Are you sharing a bed OP ?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 03/09/2020 13:25

No, single beds.

OP posts:

LemonPeonies · 03/09/2020 13:30

Teenagers need more sleep, I learned about it in an early on biology class in my nursing degree. Their brains are literally being rewired during these years and the energy required for the Synapses etc takes it out of them I used to sleep for 12 hours between the ages of 17 to 18 and there was nothing "wrong" with me. Try and help her get as much sleep as possible when you can, let her nap etc if she needs it. I don't think it makes her ungrateful, I think at that age it's probably difficult for her to Express appreciation on the same way adults would.

Scbchl · 03/09/2020 13:36

My eldest is almost 16 and said she wont be coming away with us again now. She would do my head in if I was away with just her as shed be CONSTANTLY on her snapchat she is so antisocial unless she is with her friends. I wouldnt waste your money next year.

nosswith · 03/09/2020 13:43

I'd cancel next year, given her inability to sleep soundly in a room with another person. That's not blaming either of you, just one of those facts of life.

Alicatz66 · 03/09/2020 13:54

Did she really want to go ? I never went on holiday with my parents after I was 16 .. I had way more fun staying home while they went !!!!

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 03/09/2020 13:57

I have also had broken sleep. She pokes me awake so I end up having a series of naps.
You’ve said you snore and she’s a light sleeper. It’s frustrating as fuck to sleep in a room with a snorer. SHE is also having a series of naps as she is being woken up by your snoring too.

Just tried to sleep on the beach (she's in her room) and some fucker decides to conduct his loud phone call whilst walking up and down behind my sunbed so I'm a tad grumpy!
And can you not relate this to your daughter? She’s grumpy because YOU’RE the fucker disturbing her sleep.

She can probably sense she is pissing you off as you’re dripping with contempt for her. Separate holidays sound better for next year. Just let her do her own thing for the next few days and you might enjoy things a bit more doing what you want to do.

lyralalala · 03/09/2020 14:03

@chocolatesaltyballs22

What a bizarre turn of phrase to use when talking about taking a holiday with your daughter

I don't see how this is a bizarre turn of phrase. I had a choice between holidaying with my husband, or with my daughter. I chose my daughter. And now I'm sad that she's not enjoying it.

You didn't forfeit a holiday with your husband. You chose a holiday with your daughter. It's such a negative way of phrasing it, it's bizarre.

So you are grumpy because your sleep is disturbed yet you're pissed off with your daughter for being grumpy due to disturbed sleep....

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