To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

@bellini891

Unfortunately it has to be your husband that seeks help and engages with the services. You contacting services, finding help groups etc is very much leading the horse to water, but its him that has to take the next step

Lots of people here have suggested abstinence based programmes which presumably your husband wont engage with as you've said he doesnt want to stop completely. Presumably this means he thinks that he is able to stop after a few?

I agree with others that it sounds like your dh is telling you that he aknowledges the problem as a way of absolving blame without actually then believing it (hence he doesnt think he needs to be abstinent)

The difficulty you will have is that you will have is he will be downplaying his alcohol use in conversations with professionals, and think that you are exaggerating. If you asked him what the impact of his alcohol use and why he wanted to stop, what would he say? Does he truly believe it causes the impact that you do? Or would he just say it upsets my wife?

@Gatr the latter , upsets the wife 😔

@bellini891
Obviously none of us here know whether you're exaggerating, if he has an alcohol issue etc, and to a certain extent it doesnt matter really.

You are telling him that something is an issue, and he doesnt think it is. He thinks that the problem caused by what he is doing is that it annoys you, thus is looking for a way of you not being annoyed. He isnt looking for help because he is worried about the things you are, eg dangerous behaviour, time out with family. Hes just looking to placate you

That conversation is the same no matter if its alcohol or spending too much time in the gym or not putting the toilet seat down.

Unfortunately this means in every conversation he has about alcohol he will be portraying (and believing it to be about) it as his wife being worried he is coming home late. It sounds like the actual implications havent "clicked" yet, and theres nothing you can say that will make this happen for him, and nothing that he will do until it does

Its worth noting that if he thinks he doesnt need to stop totally, then he thinks he still has an element of control and that theres a point where he is choosing to drink more/ stay on in a pub.

I think, irrespective of whether he is an alcoholic or not, it really comes down to him making a choice. If you’ve had a full and frank discussion and explained to him about the impact his current choices are having on you and the children then, unfortunately the responsibility to change or not lies with him. It’s worrying that you are doing all the leg work - trying to find him support to control the binging, but he is sort of just nodding and going along without making any effort to take control of the situation.

If he feels he doesn’t want to give up the binging and staying out then I’m afraid you need to consider if this is something you can live with. He chooses to stay out when his friends leave, he chooses not to keep in touch and he chooses to get so drunk the whole weekend is a right off.

If he is fully aware of the impact then he needs to decide if he wants to either take control and make changes himself, or get help to change. Or he needs to decide he’s happy with the situation and live with the consequences. Unfortunately that consequence might be the end of your relationship. You need to really think about what you want to happen - does he stop drinking all together? Reduce the crazy nights down to once/twice a year and stays in contact? Because he’s obviously not doing anything to reduce the impact at all other than giving you lip service. I would put time in for you to have a final conversation about it. Put all this on him and ask him to make a choice. Then be honest about if you are willing to continue, knowing he has made a fully informed choice or not.

I posted before that I didn’t think your husband had an alcohol problem, but was choosing to go on regular benders, escaping responsibility - an arsehole, not an alcoholic.

Now I’ve read that he can’t settle his child with additional needs.

So - arsehole.

My nephew with additional needs is very hard to settle, and 100% prefers his mother. His father can settle him though - it takes longer, sure. It’s stressful. But he has persevered and can do it - mum goes out to a neighbour once a fortnight while he does, to keep the “habit” for nephew - because he’s not an arsehole.

Ok I feel unfair for what I've said -he can settle him eventually but with a lot of tears and I just can't do it to my child , so it's me at fault here

The kids are mad about him and think he's the best thing since sliced bread -when he's present he's a good dad , when he's in bed all day with a stinking hangover knowing I'm on my own with them struggling I feel like he's a shit dad

Latest conversation with him he says he won't go out drinking again , that me and the kids are his priority- we've been there before and he has eventually gone back out and done it again so I just don't know what to do now , what I do know is that I feel different this time

If he’s making the commitment to not go out drinking then your only choice is to take him at his word. But if he goes back on that you’re back to square one. Can you live with him repeating the binging?

I can't go back to the stress and worry and not knowing where my husband is at 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning but unless he gives up drink completely the threat of it happening is always there so right now I'm just at a bit of a stale mate

I feel like by not taking action and just sweeping it under the carpet as usual I'm doing a disservice to the kids -they deserve better . He has put himself in danger time and time again and been totally selfish -he has no respect

Ok so he’s said he won’t go out drinking again, but, as you’ve said, he’s promised as much before but then gone back on it. It’s a very disheartening situation to be in OP. I really feel for you as my ExH was very similar to this. What do you feel you want him to do? With my ex I tried lots of compromise but it essentially fell on deaf ears as he thought I was the problem for being boring!

I don't really know what the answer is or what I want him to do. All I know is that if it was me and I'd caused the problems he has in our relationship through drinking I'd try and go teetotal , if there was the chance I'd loose him and the kids I'd be falling over myself to get sorted and stop drinking

I'm really surprised that you received this response from the helpline. The people I know that offer service would never react like this or laugh. I'm really sorry you have obviously got through to a dud. Would you consider calling back? Alcoholism has nothing to do with drinking daily. I used to drink a bit like your husband. Could go a few days but then completely out of control. I have been a member of Aa for 10 years now. I would urge you to call back and hope to get through to someone else. We are lovely, supportive people. There will always be the odd bad apple.

I think Bluntness has proved they know nothing about addiction. Bluntness also recently posted on a thread about a dad doing 5% of the parenting of his own child as fair enough because it’s boring, so probably isn’t the best poster to listen to.

Maybe yesterday was one of bluntness's drinking nights.

I'd agree with posters who say he's not alcohol dependant bug he is a "problem drinker", has a problem with alcohol, however you want to put it.

But I think that problem with alcohol might just reflect a problem with his personality/character. That shows up most clearly in the.scenario with alcohol.

My partner has been. (v rarely now) a binge drinker, and I'd say it is actually a reflection of his character. You either stay with such s character or you don't.

In my case I've been "lucky" in that regard in that the behaviour hugely lessened over time and if he ever does it now, it's not ax extreme as this.

Op I think you're completely as utterly reasonable to expect him to moderate his drinking do as not to pull all nighters, hang out with potentially dodgy strangers on potentially dodgy situations, and trash the entire next day in terms of family time. That would be the case even if you didn't have a child with special needs who you can't easily take out alone, or if you weren't the full-time parent all week.

I think you probably realise that he’s not really prepared to do that. Honestly OP my heart goes out to you as I could have written a very similar post myself 4 years ago. It’s very painful to feel you would give your all for your partner and family but they wouldn’t do the same. In my circumstances it wasn’t that that was the final nail in the coffin, but on reflection I wish it had been as I would have saved us all a lot of upset in the long run. It’s hard because you see it as just a minor thing to give up to protect everyone’s happiness, but he won’t even do that minor thing. Have you told him you will leave if he binges again?

Sorry if this has already been suggested but The Temper - thetemper.com - would never respond in such a crass way. It’s an online resource for people struggling with alcohol in whatever way. There are also courses/schools/support to sign up to should he wish.

Good luck.

I feel for you OP, your DH does have problems with drinking. I don’t understand many of the harsh replies you have received here.
I am shocked AA were so unhelpful, surely they could have at least been understanding and suggest other support groups which might be more suitable.

My DH was like this for years, with exactly the same behaviours as you describe. In the end it nearly broke us up. I’m not sure if any one thing stopped him doing it apart from as he got older the appeal has worn off. He rarely goes out drinking now and tends to have a few drinks at home and is very content with that. However he still has the drinking problem in that if he does go out on the odd occasion he is likely to stay out and keep drinking until he is legless. But it doesn’t cause the issues it used to because it’s quite rare now thankfully.

I wonder if counselling might be helpful for your DH and/or maybe couples counselling?
The other thing is do you think his friends would be interested in doing other activities with DH instead of drinking? Not all the time but as an alternative, I daren’t mention golf as this can become an all consuming hobby in itself. Whether it’s walking or whatever, something healthy that doesn’t involve drinking. He needs to change his habits and mindset but it’s got to be something he wants to do otherwise it just won’t work.

I wish you luck OP, I hope this can be resolved in some way so that you can stay together. But I understand how stressful it must be for you especially coping with anxiety and the DC’s too.

If he says he'll stop acting like that but keeps returning to it sooner or later, I suppose you have three options;

• Suggest he stops drinking altogetherbabd gets support in doing so if needed, so he won't do this (which I suppose rules out these types of nights out). He may not stick to it, there's s good chance he won't.

• live with it once a month and make sure you get reciprocal days off for those he gets the day after a binge.

• end the marriage.

As others have already said; awful for you to be committed to and doing your best for your marriage and family while he won't stop (monthly?) and stay stopped irresponsible, inconsiderate, disrespectful, foolish etc behaviour to save it.

As I said we can focus on alcohol but i think it's a symptom rather than a cause, and that his character is the cause. I know my partner's character is the root cause of his (mostly) past behaviour around alcohol, and even though he's almost entirely stopped his binge drinking and stupid, rash, irresponsible, inconsiderate behaviour; it shows in other ways that will likely end our relationship sooner or later anyway.

wonder if counselling might be helpful for your DH and/or maybe couples counselling?

That kind of implies (not saying you are implying it) that they both have problems; but she doesn't. She's not doing anything damaging to the relationship/family, he is. So he should get counselling himself.

He knows she's (understandably) angry, hurt, frustrated etc about his behaviour, he's agreed to stop it but hasn't stayed stopped. It's up to him, she can't do it for him.

@GilbertMarkham

wonder if counselling might be helpful for your DH and/or maybe couples counselling?

That kind of implies (not saying you are implying it) that they both have problems; but she doesn't. She's not doing anything damaging to the relationship/family, he is. So he should get counselling himself.

He knows she's (understandably) angry, hurt, frustrated etc about his behaviour, he's agreed to stop it but hasn't stayed stopped. It's up to him, she can't do it for him.

When I mentioned counselling as a couple I didn’t mean OP has the problem, I meant more in the sense that they could talk through things together with someone neutral. I agree that the DH needs counselling but because their relationship is at stake here that’s why I thought couples counselling should be considered too. OP is the one who is being greatly impacted by these behaviours and also needs support.

OP is the one who is being greatly impacted by these behaviours and also needs support.

Then op could get her own individual counselling.

Op has explained (not that she should have to have) her problems with her he behaviour to him clearly (and it sounds like more than once), he had said he'd stop and has but apparently returns to it. That's his issue to sort out. Couples counseling is not going to tell him anything he doesn't already know.

*his behaviour

It's once a month. There are many golf widows about. Before I mention the cycling widows. It's far from an alcohol issue.
The OP sounds controlling (i.e. father can settle his son but she doesn't allow it as it takes too long, DH goes out on a bender once a month and she wants to end the marriage/rings AA on his behalf).
AA probably don't want wives ringing either - another reason why she might not have been treated sympathetically. Everything in AA is confidential, so if I had been manning the phone line the only thing I would have done was to recite the tenets of AA and advise her to suggest her DH rang. They really are peer support, and since the OP is the wife, they are not equipped to deal with that sort of support.