To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

The issues as I see them are twofold. 1. A husband who likes to blow off steam once a month and 2. A controlling wife.
So yes, I do think marriage counselling is the solution. The wife may not BE the problem - she could be the perfect wife, but she's the one who HAS the problem with the DH's behaviour.

OP try telling him how it makes you feel when he goes out to party.

E.g. I feel alone
I feel worried etc. etc.

Btw - i think it's reasonable for a partner to have a day and night a month to let off steam, to relax, to party, to forget their responsibilities.
The OP wants the DH with her at all times out of work and that is controlling and unreasonable. Probably why he goes mental when he is let out.

@Howallergic Where has the OP suggested she wants her husband with her at all times? When has she even said he can’t go out? The issue is his binge drinking. There’s nothing wrong with letting off steam, but he doesn’t need to drink to the point where he puts himself in danger. I’m not sure how you read it any other way?

Call it intuition.

She's not controlling and her expectations are not unreasonable.

A bender a month with your partner and dad of your kids out who knows where with who knows whom til the morning, like proper morning, not early hours - then too fucked to do family stuff (which you're doing the bulk of all week, with a child with additional needs) all day.

Fuck no.

Well Gilbert, if a man told me that I couldn't go on the lash once a month because I needed to be home, I'd dump him.

My h and I are free to go on nights out, nights in, men's/women's holidays, breaks away, ski holidays etc etc separately with a little bit of notice given the only requirement.. and I wouldn't be ok with what ops dh is doing.

When your mates have stopped drinking and gone to bed, that's generally a sign it's time to stop drinking and go to bed. There has to be something really .. desperate about you, for lack of a better word to keep on (in my locality they say "there's a want in you" and it's not a compliment) .. with people you don't know, in places you're not familiar with, til the sun is up etc.

If you didn't do it in your teens, twenties, thirties etc., that's your problem.

People like this I know if usually end up with a head injury or worse .. no wonder op is stressed.

Well Gilbert, if a man told me that I couldn't go on the lash once a month because I needed to be home, I'd dump him.

I'd dump a man who told me I couldn't go on the lash once a month.

I would not dump a man who told me "I don't mind you going on the lash with your mates but could you not make it til 7 or 8 am the next day, having left your mates so I worry about if you're ok, and then you're fucked for the entire day so I have to look after the kids, one of whom has sn and ideally needs help to go out with, on my own all day at the weekend .. which is my time off as well as yours".

Big difference.

When I worked in A&E we used to dread the people who came in on a bender. Lots of slips and falls, punch ups, etc. The injuries were often fairly serious and they're nightmare patients. And there's a difference between getting drunk and getting black out drunk.

Getting blind drunk is also not kind to your body. It's called being intoxicated because alcohol is a toxin.

Call it intuition

Call it rather projection and/or assumption.

There is absolutely nothing in anything op has said to suggest she wants her DH to spend all time outside work with her, that is frankly a ridiculous assumption.

And if she were so controlling, she'd have objected to the nights out with his mates full stop. She hasn't, she's objected to his all nighters with strangers that make her worry about risk, and in too if that make her bear the burden of childcare and not have quality family time every weekend he does it.

*on top of that

When I worked in A&E we used to dread the people who came in on a bender. Lots of slips and falls, punch ups, etc. The injuries were often fairly serious and they're nightmare patients

I'm not a medical professional but I know of several men (and a few women) who are the all nighter, won't stop drinking, don't call it a bnught when their mates do, latch o to "new best mate" drinking buddy types;

One was killed in a holiday resort from injuries during a mugging, he was found with serious head injuries in the morning in an alley and was taken to hospital but didn't survive.

The other, a relative, was also mugged and sustained a head injury but survived. I was amazed nothing had happened to him sooner. His wife was put through hell. The former man's family obviously lost him and are still dealing with that.

This ops dh is male so not as relevant but the women I know like this ended up being rape victims. Nothing sexual predators like more than a drunk woman away from people looking out for her.

Op's concerns and stress are illogical
And that's before getting onto the write-off of a family day and making her do all the work on her own.

that should have been aren't* illogical, obviously.

If it's a dealbreaker, the best option might be a separation where they both get alone time. DH could take the dc at weekends, or one week night, one weekend night. Op gets a break.

@Howallergic

Btw - i think it's reasonable for a partner to have a day and night a month to let off steam, to relax, to party, to forget their responsibilities. The OP wants the DH with her at all times out of work and that is controlling and unreasonable. Probably why he goes mental when he is let out.

I don't want him with me at all times -where have I said that ? What I don't want is him out til the next morning with complete strangers , totally inebriated and then checking out of parenthood for the rest of the weekend. Sometimes it's more than once a month , I've said once a month if you average it out -during the week he's normally back in time for a play before bed (if he's not stopped for a quick 'pint' after work) and leaves first thing in the morning - I work too btw . Weekends should be the time he's here to help out and help us go out . If he went for a few drinks and came home at a reasonable time -he'd be up by 9am and ready to spend the day with us . As for me not letting him put child to bed -if I can avoid a full blown meltdown that can last for hours then I will , my child has complex needs -is non verbal and incontinent. @Howallergic that's not me being controlling that's me trying to keep my child calm and happy.

We've had a blazing row over the phone today , he's said I'm like a dog with a bone that won't let go. That I'm victimising him and making life hell for us both -when actually I've not had a lot to do with him since the weekend and have been quiet and getting in with dealing with the kids. I've said that I'm not sure I can get past it this time -17hour benders are not acceptable to me -that's up to me and he knew this already, he knew it would cause a fall out but did it anyway. Maybe he is just an asshole then and I'm clutching at straws thinking anyone can 'help' him

Or he could just stop getting so drunk that he becomes a liability?

Every time he's gone out in the last year he's got progressively worse each time , more wasted and home later and stayed in bed longer each day following . If he had any respect for me he'd have made an effort to drink less and come home earlier -I'm not being a doormat anymore .
Just to add , a couple of weekends ago I went for Drinks with a friend after I'd got youngest to sleep , first time since Xmas . I was home at 11-we'd shared a bottle of wine and some cocktails so not gone mad but I didn't feel great the next morning when the kids got up at 6am (I came on too so think this made me feel much worse than I would have done)
I did their breakfast and went up at 7 to ask him if he'd get up and watch them so I could go back to bed for an hour , he didn't -I went back to him at 8 & 9 asking him to get up coz I felt rough -he slept in u til 11-zero F's given
I was so upset he couldn't just cut me some slack

@OfTheNight yes of course he could , but he doesn't

Don't worry about responding to ridiculous accusations like the above op. Anyone reading this thread properly knows they're ridiculous.

So you're victimising him? Right.

I think the reverse is true.

My DH doesn't do this anymore but I can say that it was a reflection of his character and that the same character has caused lots of other problems too.
Maybe you'll find the same if you think about.

I don't think it would solve things but at this point I would honestly arrange reciprocal nights out for you (get him to practice settling your child in the meantime, it may take longer but ... It has to be done. It hopefully won't with regular practice or just wait til your son's settled ..). Then go out and stay out all night, even if you just go to a nice b&b or inexpensive hotel (with a bath!) and when you go back take your bed ("hungover", tired whatever) bed and make him do the day you've been doing. He'll no doubt start complaining a d trying to get you out of the bed very quickly. Your a deer to everything is "no, you did this (whenever), this is my night out, my time. Why can you do it, but I can't". If he says he works outside the home, you say you do more hours in the home.

I think it will enlighten you even further as to how he sees you and your marriage.

*answer

I imagine he'd let the kids constantly go into the bedroom if you tried to lie in bed all day like he's been doing .. while no doubt you're expected to keep them out when he's in bed.

Do perhaps don't go back home, stay as long as you can at the hotel or elsewhere and say you're hung over, can't drive or you know the kids won't stay out like they do with him so you can't sleep at home.

Bet it's unimaginable doing this ... Because he's got things set up exactly how they suit him, hadn't he.

And now he's a victim for you objecting to him pulling all nighters and sleeping the next day away while you look after your children on your own.

I fractured my ankle at the start of lockdown -we were both furloughed . He cooked for the kids once and fell asleep on the sofa the only time I left him to watch them -so don't think I'd have the confidence to leave them overnight

Sorry OP my reply was to Howallergic, I was just slow!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know you must be at the end of your rope.

Well you've never allowed him to be responsible, so how would you know? This is why I sense you're controlling!

I think this is the end of your marriage. You're totally incompatible.