To be upset Alcoholics Anonymous helpline just laughed at me

[bellini891]

Feeling pretty upset - called them to see if they could offer any advise I could pass on to my husband and if they think it would be useful for him to call them when he finishes work tonight - for what I would say is problematic drinking ie: bingeing / not drinking daily or having a dependency.
I gave a brief summary of what's been happening - The guy asked me is he dependant and drinking everyday - which I said no he isn't so he laughed and said what are you calling Alcoholics Anonymous for ?! Lol
I said I didn't think someone had to drink daily to have a problem - so feeling pretty stupid for even calling them now - as I'm writing this my husband has just called and said he rang the number I've sent him and they said they can't help him ☹️ he's not an alcoholic -just when I felt like husband was going to address his issues around alcohol - does anyone have any suggestions of who can offer some advise on this ?

@bellini891

It’s very difficult for anyone here to really be able to say whether your Dh has a problem or not, or whether you have conflicting lifestyles.
Like lots of others have said, you don’t have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. You don’t even have to be dependant on alcohol (have a chemical addiction) to have a problem - if it causes problematic behaviour and escalates into creating problems in other areas of your life, then you have an alcohol problem.

If he can’t control himself once he starts, if he really can’t stop himself from binging after 2,3,4 pints then... that’s probably a problem. It’s more of a problem that it’s causing problems in his relationships. Does it affect his kids, parents, friends, job? His hobbies? Other responsibilities?

Tbh although you seem to think you’ve got him to admit he has a problem, there are a LOT of steps following this. He has to want to get sober and want to get help himself to get the coping mechanisms to deal with his lack of control. He has to do this of his own accord. He also has to recognise that you cannot control drink, it controls you - if he cannot stop drinking when he starts now, what makes him think he can do it in the future? Most people don’t cut down, they stop completely. The temptation is far too strong if you are an addict to be around drink, put yourself in a drinking environment, and then keep stopping yourself from wanting more. Can you see why that wouldn’t work for the vast majority of problematic drinkers?

I am lucky I am not an addict but I do live with one. I am surprised you got that response from AA, I’ve found them very helpful, but they only help people who want to get totally clean. It’s not for people cutting down. It’s only run by a lot of volunteers. It’s possible you got a volunteer who is very new to the programme, and therefore may not recognise “alcohol problems” as well as alcoholics.

There are groups, by the way, for Al Anon friends and family, to help you. Google search exactly that and you’ll find the details.

Your dh will need to either join AA if he wants to quit or find another programme that suits him. AA works for a lot of people but it is a lifelong commitment.

Good luck.

Does he take drugs as well?? The UK Nar Anon friends and family meeting is tomorrow night if you want to join. I can Pm you the details. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. You’re not alone - there’s lots of us supporting each other who have relatives, spouse or friends who are addicted.

You can buy home test kits, if drugs are a dealbreaker for you, then this might speed up your decision process. www.amazon.co.uk/Single-Urine-Testing-Crack-Cocaine/dp/B002Z8DZM0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I think when he does this he is 'trying to get away from real life' (no reflection on you), but his inability to cope with it. Of course what he does just compounds whatever perceived problem he thinks he has. Counselling might be good call if he is serious about stopping.

@bellini891

Hi again -I have the details for local drink and drug services . To be honest having just spoken to him about it again -he doesn't think he has a problem and unless it's him wanting to change then my efforts are pretty pointless . He's a liability when he's been drinking - leaving doors open , disappearing , generally making bad choices. And then the next day good for nothing , I don't want to feel like I did the other night ever again so if he won't make changes I'll have to

Stop doing his homework for him. If he wanted to contact drug and alcohol services, he would. He doesn't.

The very first rule of dealing with someone you think has an issue with substances Ishtar you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

He needs to want to do something himself. You decide your behaviour, he decides his.

I started from the beginning of this, and thought - I don’t think he does agree he has a problem, I think he’s “admitting” it because you’ve reached the point where you’ve told him you’re prepared to leave him. Then got to your part post 😕 he’s not even pretending he wants to fix a problem now.

There are alcoholics.
There are problem drinkers.
And there are selfish arseholes who simply want to go on an all night bender once a month which then “allows” then to recover all weekend and opt out of parenting and marriage.

I think you have the latter 😕

OP, from the sounds of it, your DH doesn't have a problem with alcohol. The problem is that he occasionally stays out all day and night, and you don't want him to.

This is a relationship problem regarding trust, communication, needs, wants, responsibilities and other stuff. It's not an addiction. AA cant help you, but Relate might be able to.

This sounds miserable for you and weird and unhealthy for him. I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to say I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Regularly staying out until 7am drinking with strangers for hours after all your friends have gone home is not normal, it’s quite sad and it would really bother me too. I think he’s being disrespectful of your feelings if he’s promising to stop but doesn’t actually mean it.

Love over addiction podcast by michelle. Anderson is worth a listen if you are concerned about alcohol or drug abuse. Literally if he doesnt think theres anything to change then thats the end of it unfortunately. Either you stick it out knowing he is going to have his once a month bender or you have to leave before you become more unhappy.

Why are you calling AA if your husband is not an Alcoholic?

AA only helps Alcoholics,not people who just drink to much.

I have been sober in AA over 17years and manned the phone lines for many of those years.We are just volunteers.

@user1471565182,over 2 million people in the World are currently members of AA,it makes no difference whether it is 1960’s or 2020’s Alcoholism is the same it hasn’t changed.You are a bit out of touch dear.

It is the ONLY thing that works for the real Alcoholic.

sorry you had that response it’s worth saying AA is a peer support group, and as with all groups there are people who may not act in appropriate ways. There are 12 questions on the A.A. website that your husband can look at for ideas about what his drinking amounts to. he can go to physical meetings now depending on where you live, and zoom meetings are available all over the country so he can choose to zoom into one and then ask to just listen not talk.
only he can decide if he wants to stop, and whether he’s an alcoholic or just needs some help with his drinking ( counselling, smart groups etc). there are loads and loads of resources out there these days
one thing I will say as a former binge drinker who developed into an alcoholic is that i relied on my family enabling me and listening to my excuses. Al anon also do zoom, maybe try it in confidence. my mum who is a very strong and successful woman thought al anon wasn’t for her now she relies on it, in a good way. she’s got peace of mind and freedom. nobody should tell you or your husband what to do- the only requirement for membership of AA is a desire to stop drinking
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/download/1/PDFs/Who%20me.pdf

@480Widdio I called them because I was looking for advise or to be pointed in the right direction with regards to my husbands problematic drinking - what an idiot I was thinking alcoholism and problems with alcohol were at all associated

@bellini891, no point in having a go at *Widdio, they're just telling you what AA do and that they're not appropriate for your needs.

Al Anon offer support to the families of alcoholics. You could try them, but I think the problem is more a lack of respect and recognition than addiction.

Everything that @DioneTheDiabolist said.

This isn’t a drink problem, this is a relationship problem, he’s doesn’t view his behaviour as an issue and you do.

For what it’s worth I’m incredibly surprised at the response from AA, whenever I’ve spoken to them they’ve been brilliant - I have an alcoholic relative and they were very good at listening to me vent and reiterating that there wasn’t anything I could do to change/cause the relatives behaviour. I suppose they’re not really there to sign post you to other services - They are staffed by volunteers though so I guess it depends on the volunteer you get.

Good for you OP, it seems like whatever the cause of his behaviour is, he needs to realise it has consequences. Don't cover for him, be honest with people if they ask what has caused any division between you.

I hope things work out one way or another x

Is it only me who thinks that maybe cocaine is involved with this?
I don't want to be flamed but for an irregular drinker to drink for that long? Coke keeps the drinking going for those hours IME

No, I thought the same as soon as I read "more recently coming home 7am after staying out with people he'd just met." Booze alone doesn't make you extra friendly with strangers and stay up til morning (not past 30 anyway), definitely sounds like cocaine might be involved.

OP YANBU, I'd be pulling my hair out in your situation. Yes adults should be able to go out and have a good time, but when they've got two small children at home then they can't be staying out like that without prior discussion with their partner.

Honestly I'd be tempted to tell him you're going out for drinks with friends one night and that you'll be back later on that night. Then book yourself a hotel room (without telling him), turn off your phone, and rock up at home at noon, see how he likes it when you go totally AWOL with no prior discussion. Probably not the most mature approach, but fuck it.

@480Widdio Did you just call someone "dear" in your last post? I'm starting to see why @bellini891 found the experience on the phone line so patronising and rude.

You're off the drink for 17 years but you've obviously replaced it with another addiction instead. The AA doctrine. It's the ONLY thing that works for the real alcoholic????

I guess it's pure luck that this alcoholic hasn't had a drink in 19 years. And am I real alcoholic? Yes. I decide every day not to drink. And it's on me. Not on a higher power me. ME. My responsibility to chose not to drink and have other things in my life instead.

I'm really glad AA works for you. Until now, I have always recommended it to everyone. But know that in your post you have managed to single handedly destroy my confidence in it for fear that every there thinks like you

Literally if he doesnt think theres anything to change then thats the end of it unfortunately. Either you stick it out knowing he is going to have his once a month bender or you have to leave before you become more unhappy.

Shaniac speaks the truth here.

The only person you can work on with any hope of success here is you. Working on someone else is called co-dependence.

So you called because you have a problem with his drinking but he has no problems (according to him) but then he called the number so he must have a problem with his drinking? so if he thinks he has a problem then how do you determine or not who needs AA then?

I presumed AA was for people who think they have a problem with alcohol as in binge drinking, can't stop drinking, can't get through the day without a drink etc.

But who decides who has a problem the person drinking or another person who does not agree with the drinker?

@bellini891 I'm a substance misuse practitioner if you want to personal message me for advice you are wElcome to.

I'm afraid I agree with bluntless, he just likes drinking and going out so he is doing it. If your main problem is that he isn't participating in family life on the weekend and stays in bed, well that's the issue. The alcohol is a red herring really. He could just as easily be avoiding family life if he didn't drink. Also, he could still get up and parent even if he feels like absolute shit, like mothers do when they have older kids plus a non sleeping baby/morning sickness/illness/etc.

I get why the man chuckled on the phone. Basically, if your DH rocked up to an AA meeting and said that he goes out and gets plastered once a month and his wife is going mental about it, every one in the room would be wishing that they could drink like that.

Counselling would be better for you so that he realises how his partying once a month negatively affects you.

I don't think he is an alcoholic.

First step in AA is something like: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

He is far from that.

There are many people who drink like your partner and have no issue with alcohol. Christmas party, work drinks, stag dos, hen nights, nights out with the lads, girls etc. You lose the run of yourself and get caught up in the partay!!

His only problem is that he has a wife and children at home and really should try to be more responsible. Perhaps set some ground rules. A time to be home by. An agreement on communication every couple of hours. Therefore the next day isn't totally written off and you're not worrying.

Every month is a lot for someone in their 40s with family & responsibilities.

What is he trying to do? Re live his youth? Was this something he feels he missed out on when younger?

Drinking himself to a standstill let alone the possibility of drugs as well is putting himself and therefore his family at huge risk. He risks being mugged, beaten up, getting caught in someone else's fight, just falling over and getting a bang on the head. A colleague did this, claimed he had been punched but in fact CCTV showed he had simply fallen over and fractured his skull hitting the curb. Weeks off work on minimum income.

I dont know what the answer is. I used to be a binge drinker. A couple of seriously horrific hangovers (they got worse as I got older) plus a moment of insight have put me off drinking to that extent.

The moment of insight was perhaps the most helpful. I was at a work event where people were getting bladdered but for one reason and another I wasnt drinking at the same pace. I wasnt stoney cold sober but I could see people getting absolutely hammered. I was on the outside looking in and it wasnt pretty. People were doing things, saying things which sober they wouldnt have dreamed of.

@bellini891 do you think your DH would be up for a sober big night out? Just for the experiment, to be on the outside looking in. He might find it revelatory to see how people look, how they behave when absolutely hammered.

Counselling would be better for you so that he realises how his partying once a month negatively affects you

I agree with this actually. But I also think that unless he's willing to consider giving alcohol up altogether, you're never going to achieve the outcome you want. If he genuinely finds it impossible to stop once he's started, how are you planning to create the impulse control in a person who's under the influence of alcohol that will make him decide to go home after he's had a few drinks? Hypnotherapy? Magic?

Alcoholics/problem drinkers can't just learn to drink in moderation. Whether your DH is one or not is questionable, but if the drinking is problematic for your relationship then he either needs to go tee-total or you go your separate ways

@480Widdio really patronising post. Many think AA is pretty outdated and I really suspect it’s not the only approach that works. Why do you think all this new sober literature has sprung up? In large part, it’s written by WOMEN who, for one reason or another, felt AA just wasn’t for them. People like Catherine Gray, Clare Pooley, Annie Grace. And these women weren’t “just” binge drinkers like the OP’s husband - they were drinking every day and it had got totally out of hand.

I would say you’re the one who’s out of touch.

@AlrightTreacle I would love to book myself into a hotel room and do that , I've not had a break from the kids 24/7 since March apart from going back to work last week. Truth is though I can't , my child with additional needs won't be settled by husband and would be up all night in a state if I was unavailable. Yes we do have issues in our relationship that need work, especially when it comes to having responsibilities and me feeling unsupported -going out pulling all-nighters and sleeping all weekend isn't doing anything to help that